Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Death by 1000 papercuts

**Big Sigh**

March has been kicking my butt. Here is a list of things that are not really all that bad in and of themselves... but are adding up to a whole lot of suck.

Here they are, in no particular order-

1) found out totally incompetent former co-worker who has less experience than I do is applying to be my boss
2) found out many marginally competent  people are applying to be my boss

(ok, there seem to be some somewhat competent people in the pool, but not nearly as many as I think there should be in order to make it competitive. And I worry that one of the nincompoops is going to slip through the cracks.

Also, it annoys me that so many people applied for the job who basically have the same qualifications that I do. (Despite the ad posting which stipulates a terminal degree.)  I've had numerous colleagues approach me to urge me to apply for the director position but given that my immediate boss and one of my reccommenders to grad school are co-chairing the committee I feel like if they considered me even a halfway decent candidate they would have mentioned it.  Given that I was only appointed to my current position a few months ago I think it would be seen as grasping to apply for the director position.  And I really am fine with someone else getting the job... I'm just not really fine with someone who is less experienced and doesn't even have a masters getting the job. So, well, that's pissing me off at the moment.)

3) My great grandmother (98) had a stroke 3 weeks ago.  (She'll be as ok as you can be for 98... ) but...
4) It's putting a huge strain on my grandmother (73) who is taking care of her
5) I live 3 hours away... close enough to visit and see the stress, but not enough to do anything substantial.
6) my great aunt (who had been helping my grandma take care of their mother) has suddenly gone blind
7) my great aunt's daughter, who is a nurse and who has been helping to take care of my great grandmother, was just diagnosed with lung cancer (not a smoker, though her father was), and has to have a lung removed
8) my favorite aunt (on the other side) just went in for back surgery because she's lost all feeling in her legs (and old injury) and she may be permanently disabled.

9) I have a 2 day program that's coming up for work-- which I ostensibly have organized-- but I'm not hearing back from people that I need info from in order to get the schedule up... and I was supposed to have that schedule to the printers today.
8) I have to do a presentation to students in 2 weeks about a complex gender issue... and I have to co-present with someone who does a lot of 'mansplaining'... (Oh, and did I mention that the mansplainer is one of the people applying for a job in my office. *sigh*)

10) I fell off the diet wagon and put the 14lbs I'd lost in January all back on

11) Jedi is making a ton of simple mistakes (e.g. assistants vs assistance) at work which are worrying me regarding his continued employment in his office.  He's also making some questionable choices regarding calling out sick or going in late. (He would protest this, I know, but frankly right now he's been acting like a little kid who doesn't want to go to school and praying for snow days.)

12) My mother is driving me nuts regarding wedding stuff. (Did I mention that she's picked out a white floor length ball gown to wear to the wedding?)

13) My least-favorite smarmy religious "earth Jesus" type millionaire uncle is maybe/probably coming to my wedding. Ugh. And bringing his real housewife with him. Ugh.  I only invited them because I wanted to invite my aunt (his sister), whom I like, to the wedding and you know that whole--can't invite one without the other thing. Big mistake. Can't retract it now!

14) My mother thinks it would be awesome to have earth Jesus sing at my wedding.  I'm all like, "I hate the guy! I don't even want him to come!" and she's all like, "What does that matter? He has a beautiful voice. You're so unreasonable."

15) I'm sick of people asking me what I'm going to do for music... or flowers... or food... or anything else... when I don't know the answer to the question and it stresses me to think about it. (I think it's somewhat akin to being a senior in college and being asked for the millionth time by your smarmy uncle, "So, theater huh? No really, what are you going to do with your life? Heh. heh. heh.)

16) I'm currently taking a course in victim advocacy... and two other women (in this class of 10) are total dipshit dingbats who are more worried about working out their own emotional issues than in learning. They constantly derail the sessions with, "Well, when this happened to me..." when we've been specifically told numerous times that we're not supposed to talk about ourselves in this work as the focus is supposed to be entirely on the victims.  I'm all for people working out their issues (these two women are currently training to be therapists, which makes me want to bang my head against a wall), but when I'm trapped in a room for 4 hours/week with you is NOT the time or the place to be doing it!

17) I'm applying to grad school again. I haven't told one of my good friends about it because I know she won't be supportive-- which makes me sad because I could really use her support. But right now she's going through issues of her own and I know she would think I'm going back to grad school for the wrong reasons.

18) I'm going back to grad school for the wrong reasons. That is, if you assume the "right reasons" include such things as being passionate about the subject matter and a love of learning.  I just want to make more money and this particular program is the fastest and cheapest way to do it. (No, it's not a for-profit/diploma mill place... don't worry)

(17a).... 5 transcripts... 3 rec letters... fees...personal statement... resume... translations... to pull together before April 1.

19) I can't get a good night's sleep to save my life. I need a new mattress. But, I also need money for that. Damn those catch-22s

20) I wonder what happened to my creative self. I used to paint, do photography, write, garden (ok, that one is on hold for another few months)... now all I do is go to work and watch trash tv. Trash tv is sucking out my soul and I'm letting it? Why am I letting it? I would say it's a mystery but the truth is simply that my passion for life just seems to have waned somehow.

21) News and internet.  I debated getting an ipad on impulse this weekend (no, not that I have money for that either...) and I didn't get it.  Not because I didn't have the money, which would have been the logical reason, but because I'm at least able to recognize that constant connection to the internet is part of my problem and is bringing on this sense of general malaise to a large degree.

I'm a huge news junkie. I'm a prolific reader. Put those together and 6 hours can be spent on the internet that would have been better spent doing just about anything else. I notice that I come away tense and irritable after I spend time reading blogs and I know it's because I'm usually filled with lots of righteous anger and no way to expend it.

I'm considering making April (my birthday month!) an internet-news/blog-reader free month. (Just typing that makes me feel like I'm gasping for air, which means I probably should do it.)

Isn't it sad that I feel like I have a 100% greater chance of sticking to my food-diet than my internet-diet?

So, internets, there is my not-so-very-great tale of woe. Don't worry, I won't ask  you to feel sorry for me. But could you please pass the excedrin?

1 comment:

mmeperpetua said...

That is a lot of stuff. A LOT a lot. It made me super-nervous just reading it.

Try to slow down, take care, take stock, watch some Bravo, or do whatever you can to make it a little easier.