Friday, June 11, 2010

Let's call the whole thing off.

Phhhhheeeeeewwwww... Hello again, dear readers.

I've only semi-dropped off the face of the earth. As I mentioned before, these 2 weeks are CrAZy! Working from 7am-11pm every day, plus family coming from out of town...

and, oh, yeah... Jedi & I set a wedding date.

August 2011.

I felt good about it for a few days... and now I'm totally freaking out.

Frankly, I'd be good with the status quo forever, but a wedding is important to Jedi. Not just a wedding, (e.g. we can' t just elope), but the whole she-bang with reception & flowers and stuff.

Ok, ok. I'm going with it. Frankly it took me about 2 days to plan it.

Reception hall- Set
Church - Set
Rehearsal dinner- Set
Hotels for out of towners- set
Caterer- Set
Band - (semi-set)
Minister- set

I finally decided to do it where I work -- which I originally wanted to avoid because that made it seem like this wedding would be a work-related event. But, eventually, I decided it was stupid not to take advantage of the resources here. I really wouldn't be able to this for less than I can do it here. I already have relationships with the various vendors because of my job... and, again, this means that I was able to plan the whole damn thing in 2 days.

Done & Done, right?

Well, sorta.

Jedi & I got into... well, not a fight precisely... last night, but I did a lot of yelling and stomping around.

My mother, rather shockingly enough, offered out of the blue to contribute $1500 to the wedding. I admit, we were going to make the pitch, but she offered it before we could do the asking. My dad (parents divorced) is matching it. Jedi & I had planned to each put in $1000. We had planned to ask his parents to match what my parents put it.

Well, last night Jedi told me that his dad told him that all they're planning on paying for is the rehearsal dinner. And this is after the fact that I had told his family that I had planned on the rehearsal dinner being hamburgers/hot dogs at a local campsite. (Call me classless, but frankly I think a fireside cook out with smores & stuff near a lake would be fun and economical.) So, let's see... even on the EXPENSIVE side, that type of rehearsal dinner would prob. be less than $300.

His dad said, "Well, it's the responsibility of the bride's family to pay for the wedding."

So, tell me dear readers, was I wrong to stomp and yell?

Ok, I was wrong to stomp and yell at Jedi as if this was somehow his fault (and I did apologize for it)... but, oooooo! I got so steamed up! I had to leave the house to get some air.

It took talking it over with my therapist today to really get to the depths of why this made me so mad.

I mean, it's a little bridezilla-ish of me to be expecting them to pay for anything I suppose, isn't it? I suppose I should say, "Thanks for paying for the rehearsal dinner" and STFU about it. But I just can't.

Mostly for 2 reasons:

#1) That whole "The bride's family pays" is such an archaic bullshit holdover from a time in which women were such worthless commodities that families literally had to pay some schmoe to take her off their hands.

#2) Jedi has a 16 year old sister. Basically what his dad is saying is, "We'll pay for your sister's wedding, but not for yours." Given how much preferential treatment his sister is given in general (Jedi is the product of his mother's first marriage. His "dad" is his mom's husband. Jedi doesn't have any contact with his biological father.) I was so pissed on his behalf.

#3) I was perfectly happy to either-- not have a wedding, or -- to elope. Jedi's family strongly objected to both options. (And, well, so did Jedi.) For them to then decide not to contribute just felt like such a shitty thing to do.

#4) I've had a good relationship with his parents, but this really felt like a slap in the face. It felt like them saying, "well, we don't REALLY support this."

(ok, so that was more than 2 reasons... whatever.)

Now, I know $1000 is a lot of money, and no one on either side really has any. However, when one considers that this is more than a YEAR away, it does seem like it's pretty crappy to be like, "It's too much trouble to put $75/month away." I mean, yeah, no one is rich, no one is destitute either.

So, what say you interwebs? Am I a heinous bitch for expecting his parents to pony up $1000? (Please bear in mind that they're getting off CHEAP! I'm getting $1500 from EACH of my parents... to be even we should technically be asking his parents to match that and give us $3000. Additionally, my mom is working a second job to help pay for my relatives to fly in for the wedding.)

Anyhoo-- this may all be a mountain out of a molehill since his mom and I had a talk this afternoon and she said that Jedi's dad is totally old-fashioned and she would talk to him and that she thinks they'll be able to give us $1000.

We shall see how this all shakes out, but frankly the whole bruhaha just made me want to call the whole thing off.


Anonymous said...

Okay, first of all, since Jedi's family and Jedi are the ones who really want the wedding, and since your job is providing a lot of what you wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise--or what would have been more difficult to secure--it is totally not out of line to expect them to contribute. $1000, in wedding terms and in whatever terms, is very, very little money. Seriously. You aren't bridezilla-ing this and asking for a $4000 cake. It's a modest amount of money, and since they are the big wedding folks, they should happily chip in.

Second of all, you took Jedi off their hands! He was living with them; now he's living with you. You're helping him get his life in order. Dang, if Jedi were my kid, I'd be funding the whole thing. :)

Granted, I am pretty much the farthest thing from traditional when it comes to weddings, so maybe this is outside my understanding. But you sound to me like you're being completely reasonable.

Drama aside, congrats on setting a date!

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Something She Dated said...

Well...I don't think you're being a bridezilla per say but...well...

1. You can't really use the argument that the "bride's parent's paying" is archaic...when the very notion of parental contribution would fall under the same concept.

2. I know friends whose prents would contributed to their wedding. However, long ago (somewhere in between the $40,000 of student-accrued debt was forgiven by my parents) parents mentioned to both my brother and I that we were on our own for our weddings. But then again. They did it at city hall. And honestly I would probably do the same.

3. All that being said, it does seem like his parents are being a bit douchey (but that is their right, afterall, it's not their wedding).

However, (don't worry this is where I get back on your side ;) the fact that THEY pushed for the wedding...makes me think a talk is necesssary. And honestly I'd use those words. we thought about eloping but you pushed for a big wedding. We feel confused and hurt then by your offer of contribution. Is there a reason you feel that $300 is an acceptable amount? (If the conversation goes nowhere...perhaps suggesting that while your parents' $3000 will allow for inviting 20 fam. members on your side...their $300 will only allow for 2 family members and that they may select who gets to come themselves...sure it'll be petty but it would get the point across)...sorry I'm probably not much help...but good luck :)

雅信 said...
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博行 said...
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Anonymous said...

I don't think you can expect any money from anyone. For them to throw this on the "it's the bride's family's responsibility," though, is ridiculous! If they don't want to/can't help pay for the wedding, they should say so, not try to pass that BS off as legit.

I'm very curious as to how much of Jedi's wishes are his own thoughts and how much of it is not wanting to argue with his parents. If a larger wedding is actually his wish, then do it - and then spitefully leave off anyone his parents care about because of budget constraints. (KIDDING)

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Hypatia said...

Sorry to get back to all of you so late! eeek!

Perpetua- Thank you for agreeing with me! That's what I like in an invisible friend! ;-p

Something- Yup. That talk was had! And it all went well! Thanks.

Christine- Jedi is all for it. He was all upset at the idea of even a destination wedding (though he tried to hide it) but even more upset at the thought of eloping. He would have done it to placate me but he would have regretted not having a traditional type wedding. Whereas I probably would not regret NOT eloping (though, we'll see about that next August... ha.)