THE dress.

Npapaya was kind enough to go dress shopping with me last weekend. While down in the "Big City" I had 3 appointments with three different shops.

Well, let me just say how totally depressing it would have been had I not found THE dress in the very first store we went to. Not only that, it was also the very first dress. Thank God! The saleswoman was actually nice-- she was like an angel sent from heaven,-- tragically that was also her last day. (Probably because she was too nice. The store owner was a horrible bitch to her while we were there.)

This is THE dress. I'm not posting a pic on here because Jedi doesn't want to see it... and since he sometimes checks the blog... well... Better that it be a link.

I was SO happy to find that dress. When I put it on I just KNEW that was the dress. I felt gorgeous in it, it has everything I was looking for, it's the right color, it has straps, it is "different" -- it's old-fashioned yet not fuddy-duddy... I just LOVE IT!

Ok, it's a little out of my price range... ahem... by, um, about $700... But, in the grand scheme of things that's actually not so much, I think.

I do have to tell you about the rest of the day though. Ugh! It was so depressing! At the first store I did actually find a couple other dresses that were pretty, but they weren't a "wow." At the second store they only had two fairly fugly dresses and at the last store they had 3 dresses in my size and only one looked halfway decent... and it was really nothing special.

I can't even tell you how excited I am about this dress. First of all, I never thought I would find something that really was "me"... I was pretty sure I'd have to settle for something that was simply ok. Second of all, I feel really pretty in it. Even if I didn't lose a single pound I'd still be thrilled to get married in that dress and I'd feel like the prettiest girl in the room. (Funny thing is-- I actually looked up the dress online and I feel like the dress on the model is totally fugly! I think it's because the model is stick thin and this dress requires curves! If I had just seen the dress in the ad there's no way I would have wanted to try it on.)

Speaking of women with curves, am I the only one who finds "Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss" completely offensive? I mean, why do "big girls" have their own show? Are they a separate species or something? Why aren't they integrated into the "normal" show? Are "big" girls not normal? Cause that seems to be what they're implying. Additionally, the women in the ads seem to be exhibiting the worst kind of stereotypical "big girl/diva" behaviour, saying things like, "Mmmm... my curves are so juicy... Girl, if you've got it, work it, etc." (I'm paraphrasing.) Um. Ew. Look, I'm all on board for women who are larger than average having good self-esteem and for being able to find pretty things to wear... but that kind of stuff not only seems to be all about overcompensating but it also is very off-putting. The brides are described as, "Sassy" and "Confident"... doesn't that seem to be code for... I don't know... in romantic comedies the heroine always has a "sassy" best friend-- and often times that's what "big" girls relegated to in real life as well-- as though they're not the heroines of their own lives. That's what this offshoot show sort of feels like-- You're not good enough to be on the show with the "real" heroines... everyone knows you're "different."

Anyhoo-- that's how I sort of felt about that.

But yea! I found my dress! Yippee! (Now I live in fear of them discontinuing it! I'm going to put a deposit down now, but they won't actually do my measurements until March... that's a long time!)

Amazing blog

Any mommy bloggers out there? I know some of you used to stop by.

I wanted to share the most AMAZING blog I've come across in awhile. It's a kid's craft blog and the woman who runs it is obviously a freaking crafty wizard... and her kids are filthy wizards... hee...

http://www.filthwizardry.com

I'm going to make Jedi take note. When he's a stay-at-home dad there won't be any slacking off! I expect one project a day! ha!

I can't get no satisfaction...

I just quit-- I should be happy, right?

I mean... I am... I guess. I just don't feel happy. Does that make sense?

I'm sure it doesn't, actually.

*sigh*

You know how scientists say people have a natural "set point" for happiness? Well, maybe this is mine. Maybe I'm just inclined to always feel a bit of malaise. Maybe I'm just a big whiny baby. I don't know.

I was actually feeling fine up until a few minutes ago when I got an email from my soon-to-be boss' boss. There was NOTHING bad in the email... but she pointed out that I should have maybe waited to ask my soon-to-be-boss for permission to do something so that it didn't seem like I was going over her head.

*sigh*

Why that should trigger a downward spiral, I'm not sure-- Maybe because I'm so used to being micro-managed where I am? Maybe because I'm used to my ideas and initiatives being shot down where I am? It just left me doubting my decision-- have I moved from one untenable situation to another?

Logically I know that's not the case. This woman responded perfectly nicely and was sure to couch her mild rebuke in between lots of flowering praise for taking initiative. That's worlds away from the situation I'm in now, so I know it's not the same thing.

I can't help feeling as though it is though.

I'm also a bit disappointed and hurt that my future MIL isn't going with me on the latest dress shopping excursion. I know that's stupid since she's been shopping with me 2x now, so I know it's not personal... again... it still feels that way though.

I have to say, I'm damned lucky that I have Jedi and that he is as constant and effusive in is praise, love, and admiration for me (to a nauseating degree sometimes). And no, I don't think it's because we're in a "honeymoon" period-- That's just frankly his personality. It's a nice contrast to my own gloomy-gus attitude most days.

Good thing I'm going to therapy tomorrow since I'm obviously a basket-case.

Well THAT was anti-climactic!

So, remember that thing that I mentioned that I was afraid to jinx? Well... things might still be jinx-able... (KNOCK ON WOOD)... but I'm hoping things are set.

I got a new job! Yippee, right?! I'm going to go and be... well... I was going to say specifically sort-of what I'm going to be doing, but that will make me too traceable. Gotta keep some semblance of privacy! Let's just say I'm going to go and be an assistant director in another department.

So, here's where the scary/jinxable part comes in-- I don't know what I'll be making yet (I KNOW! I KNOW! But I've been assured of the minimum at least... It may seem stupid to do it this way but our HR department is totally ass-backward and has been dragging their feet for 2 months on this paperwork already...) and... It's an acting position for a year.

That last part really does make me feel quite nervous, but I feel like it's a calculated risk. I've been reassured numerous times that I'm the person they want permanently in this position but because HR is so backed up (3 month lag time to even POST positions, nevermind interview (another 3 months) and then HIRE (another 1-2 months....) Well, they wanted someone in this post ASAP since we're starting the new school year and this was the most expedient way to do it.

However, I'm always mindful that there could be some newly minted Ph.D in the field of this department who swoops in and grabs this spot... life has no guarantees... but, as I said, it's a calculated risk. I've been unhappy in my current office for awhile (Their priorities are totally out-of-whack... think "The Office.") and this is a step up and in the direction I want to go. I feel like even if I only end up doing it for a year it will be good experience/a stepping stone.

The other nerve-wracking point is that I'm not the ONLY person in an acting position! My boss and my boss' boss (and my boss' boss' boss... come to think of it) are all also in acting positions! This house of cards could go crumbling at any time! The person who will be my direct supervisor for the coming year really is only temporary as she'll be doing 2 jobs at once-- they're going to be hiring for a permanent position in the spring... While I know I enjoy the people in the office I'm going to it's also a bit scary not to know who my boss will ultimately be.

So, what was the anti-climactic part? The giving notice part, of course. Why? Because one can't simply say, "Take this job and shove it!" Even if that IS the underlying sentiment! One has to make-nice in order not to be black-balled in this -oh-so-small community and say, "Thank you very much for the opportunities I've had here, I've really enjoyed it, and I'm sad to be leaving..."

Not that I had many doubts about leaving of course, but when they announced my departure at a staff meeting today it only solidified my resolve. Only 2 people came to say they were sorry to see me go... everyone else was very "Meh." about it. It's not like I haven't been the invisible girl here anyway. Why would I suddenly become visible when I leave?

The place where I'm going to I definitely feel "Seen"-- the Director (my boss' boss) is fantabulous and she's been great throughout this process. She's just really very effusive and encouraging and has bent over backwards in a lot of ways to make me feel welcome. It's a totally different environment. (Not that every office doesn't have it's dysfunctions, but this one has fewer than most on campus.)

Fingers crossed that it will all work out for the best in the end.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed (hopefully you will too?) for Jedi and some other friends who are looking.

What a difference a year makes...

A year ago (tomorrow) Jedi and I will have been going out for 1 year.

I mean, technically we didn't start going out exclusively until sometime in October (I can't really remember when) but we did meet one year ago tomorrow.

Who could have guessed, right? In this post from a year ago you can see I didn't really have high hopes. If you had told me at this point last year that this year at the same time I'd be trying on wedding dresses I would have told you that you were clearly insane because-- #1) there's no one to date in my podunk town and #2) there's no way I would move that fast!

This should probably teach me a lesson in making pronouncements of which I feel certain as I'll only end up being wrong. (Dear Universe, There is NO WAY I would ever win the lottery. Especially not $90 Million dollars. Especially not in tonight's Powerball drawing! I dare you to prove me wrong.)

Speaking of shopping for wedding dresses, my mother is giving me the silent treatment since the last debacle in which I yelled at her for being an unsuportive beeotch. (Believe me, she totally is. I swear I'm not just being a Bridezilla or something.)

Npapaya (Yes, she of the "Always Right" fame in the aforementioned post) has been kind enough to agree to go with me to try on dresses on the 25th. We have to go to a town an hour away to try stuff on, but we're going to 3 different stores and each store has 4-6 plus sized samples (wowwee. If we lived in a metropolis I think I know how I could make beaucoup bucks-- open up a plus-sized wedding dress shop.) I'm hoping that each store doesn't have the EXACT SAME DRESSES (as has happened in other locations) but we shall see.

In any case I think that after that shopping trip I will have made up my mind. If I still haven't found anything I like better than #5 I think I will go with that one.

P.S. to Jedi if you ever get around to reading this-- Happy Anniversary, Sugerplum. Mwah!

Lady in Waiting

I have some stuff on the horizon that I'm crossing my fingers about... Worried to jinx it by talking too much... But keep your fingers crossed for me!

I'm also hoping a part-time job I want will come through. It would be great-- something I can add to my resume that will help me in my field and it's something that I can do on my own time from anyplace I have an internet connection... Ok, ok... should I tell you what it is? It's reading admissions materials. Doesn't that sound like fun!? I'm a super fast reader and the admissions office is so overwhelmed that they require one (if one gets the job) to read at least 25 hours a week... but you can read more than that as you are able... I would LOVE to do this. *sigh* like everything else at this university hr moves slower than molasses in January... I left a message with the admissions office on Friday so hopefully I'll hear back this week.

It would totally help since Jedi and I are totally having money issues. I mean, we're not having money issues to the extent that we don't have food and shelter... but by having cable and internet we're totally living beyond our means. (But who can live without cable and internet these days?! Right? I mean, that's like asking me to live without running water. / )

We're puttering along ok. I admit wedding stuff is freaking me out to a greater extent that I wanted it to-- and I've found myself wondering more than a few times if I'm worrying more about the day itself than the future marriage. I mean, I like to think that simply by asking myself that question it means I'm in the clear, but I've found myself freaking out about potential table settings and centerpieces and it makes me want to hyperventilate.

To every bride, at every wedding I ever went to-- I'm really sorry for ever snarking about anything. My bad. I know realize just how much thought went into it and I know you did your best.

(Except to that one bride who totally didn't invite that someone that she totally should have to the wedding-- that was a bitch move and you totally deserved the snarking.)

Jedi Knows

My friend Meg convinced me that I can't marry Jedi and not tell him about the blog. After contemplation I realized she was right.

Our conversation went something like this-

Me: I have something to tell you.
Jedi: (nervous) What is it?
Me: I don't want you to get mad.
Jedi: Do you still love me?
Me: Yes.
Jedi: Are we still getting married?
Me: Yes.
Jedi: Then whatever it is doesn't matter.
Me: I have a blog.
Jedi: Really!? Does anyone read it?
Me: Yes... XXX number of people a month.
Jedi: That's so cool!

So. Huh. That was that! The only thing that annoyed him was that Ramses knew about the blog from the beginning. That ticked him off.

The funny thing is that he really doesn't seem to care about it one way or another. I know if someone had written a blog in which I feature prominently I would be scouring each entry for some mention of something I had done. Jedi read 3 entries and was like, "That's cool." And as far as I know he hasn't read anything since or expressed any desire to do so.

(He's kind of a weirdo. I would be obsessed!)

To hell with dresses

I went dress shopping again on Friday and Saturday. And you know what I've realized? EVERY SINGLE BRIDAL SHOP has the EXACT SAME 4 plus sized dresses in their collection. And they're all strapless beaded massive monstrosities. (Ok, ok, sometimes they'll have one or two other gowns, but really, it's amazing how they all have the same 4 ugly dresses.)

The other thing I hate about bridal shops? The saleswomen look at me like I'm gum under their shoes. Gee, if that's how you treat me BEFORE I buy anything, I just can't wait to see what the service is like afterward!

My mother and aunts HATE HATE HATE dress #5... and that's the only one that seems like a stand-out for me at the moment. My mom actually left me a terrible voicemail comparing the dress to a bad haircut that everyone will ooo and ahh over but only SHE will tell me the truth about how unflattering it is. This drives me crazy since I know if I get the dress on the wedding day she'll be all passive aggressive and say, "WEll, as long as YOU think you look good, that's what counts!"

Sigh. She upset me so much this weekend that I was sobbing and my dad was like, "I'm going to give you $1500 so that you can get the dress of your dreams."

Well, that's nice, and lovely... but... There's no way in hell I'm spending $2000-1500 on a dress! Do you know how many guests I could feed for that!? I could even pay for a honeymoon! (Or, more importantly, save up for a house!) I was very touched, but that's craziness. I did think (for half a millisecond) about doing a whole "Say yes to the dress" day and going to Kleinfeld's, but my budget at Kleinfeld's is about the equivalent to having $500 at other wedding shops.

It's totally not worth it for just one day... but it drives me nuts that --even with difficulty-- I can go into plus sized shops and find an entire closet full of flattering dresses.... but for a wedding dress I'm limited to basically a choice of 1 of 8 dresses. Oh, sure, many places SAY that their dresses are available in sizes 0-30... but if the store only carries 4 plus-sized dresses, where does that actually leave me? The saleswomen are like, "Well, you can just hold it up in front of you to get an idea." Bwahaha! YEAH. RIGHT. I'm going to purchase a WEDDING DRESS that I can't even try on!? Who the fuck came up with this system?!? it's the crappiest system ever!

If I had money I would totally open a plus-sized wedding shop... haven't these places heard that the american woman is an average of a size 14!? Maybe they'd get a bit more business (and stop being so bitchy) if they catered to that demographic.

*sigh*

I'm sick of trying on dresses. Do I just go with #5? And tell my mother to shove it? Tha's what I'm leaning towards, but will I constantly be second guessing myself? I don't know.