Monday, October 3, 2011

My brain is full

This, I think, is only one aspect of my general inability to commit to any one task or activity (as mentioned below.)

The real problem though is that my brain is full of useless shit.  My brain can't turn itself off and so I think about this useless shit, all the time.  I think about trivial pop culture stuff, like how I used to root for Theresa but it's become increasingly clear that she's the drama-causing nut job.  Or how Jessica Simpson might or might not be pregnant or how she might or might not just be a little fat (or both) and really, whose business is it anyway if it's either or none of those things?  I also worry a lot about things I can't do anything about.  I worry about stories I read about girls in Pakistan being "honor" killed because they were gang raped ... (I worry a lot about this, and other similar stories.  I keep thinking, like Peter Parker, I've been given a great deal in life, and so a great deal will be required of me.  But really? What is a tangible thing I can do?  I support charities like Women for Women International and local DV/SA organizations, but what else?)  I worry about the environment and I worry if I put my plastic bottle in the wrong bin. I worry about the recession (double dip!) and whether or not I"ll have a job in a year.  I worry about our condo and that I'll never be able to sell it. I worry we're going to live in 600 sq ft forever, and if we eventually have kids I worry we won't be able to afford them.

These are mostly minor worries (in my first world existence) I know.  I also know that (most) of these things will find some kind of a resolution without my help.  That's not actually the point I'm trying to get at (though I do think the free-floating anxiety contributes to my chronic depression.)  What I'm really trying to get at is the sensory overload that comes from being constantly connected-- via computer, ipad, tv, phone... etc-- means I have lost any kind of ability to focus.   For example, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read... but how often have I actually sat down to read a full-length book this year? Twice! (And both times on my kindle app!)

All this to say that I am thinking of unplugging for the month of November.  (Or maybe I should start mid-Oct?  Hell! Why not today!?)  The reason I'm thinking this is for nanowrimo.  I mean, yeah getting a go on that writing project I mentioned ... oh, a year and some months ago... would probably be good.  But mostly because I am frittering away my energy and attention on useless things... like hitting the refresh button on facebook a million times.  And for what? To find myself getting more anxious and getting less done.

Now, I know this is easier said than done-- after all, there are some studies (too lazy to look them up here) showing that there are some very true addictions to electronic devices and sites like facebook...  Facebook and email, like slot machines, work on the same pavlovian concepts that make dogs drool at the sound of a bell. Unhooking from them is easier said than done, but I do feel like I should make a real (as opposed to half-assed) effort.

The question is... on what level do I disconnect?  No non-work related internet? (Other than blogging about it????) No internet shopping? NO FACEBOOK. No browsing on phone.    I think I can do that.  I'm hesitant to say no TV, only because the truth is that I don't often watch TV... I mostly just have it on.  But, then again, that in itself is a problem.  On the other hand, I've always done my writing with the TV on in the background, so If I"m planning on writing then maybe I should leave that out of the equation.  On the other hand, maybe I'm just looking for a justification to keep the Real Housewives? Hmmm... what say you?  And, will I do this alone?

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