For Posterity

I've had a rough week.  Really rough.  To give you an example, one of our senior administrators just recently quit her job and dyed her hair bright pink as a big ole middle finger to the powers that be.  Her issues are not my issues (other than indirectly) but I understand her impulse and I envy her chutzpah.  I feel like giving a lot of people around here the middle finger.

But that's neither here nor there as far as this particular blog is concerned.  My rough week led me to take an impromptu vacation for my own mental health (and to keep me from saying something rash, which given my mortgage would not be wise...)

I usually leave Jedi a note on his pillow when I go away on trips, and I didn't realize how much it meant to him until he mentioned being sad that I'd left so quickly I hadn't left one this time around.

And so, I sent him this email instead, which I'm putting on the blog for posterity.

I can't say it enough, but I know I don't say it as often as I should, I really have the best husband in the world.

Dearest Jedi,

While I may not have left this on your pillow, I'm thinking about you as I go to sleep tonight.  When I think back to when we first met, I never could have imagined how much I would grow to trust you, to rely on you, to love you with all my heart.  You are so much a part of me that its only when you're not with me that I realize how much of me is missing with you gone.

You are thoughtful and kind and loving in everything that you do, and if I live a hundred years I'll never be able to repay the kindness you've shown me in these 3 short years we've been together.  Thank you for your patience, and for your concern, and for your gentleness.  You've softened my edges and smoothed out my rough spots, even though I know I still have a long ways to go.  Thank you for telling me, always, that it will be all right.  It will be, as long as I have you by my side.  You are not my rock-- you are my soft place to land.

I love you tttthhhhheeeessseee much, and you will always be my favorite.

Xoxoxo

Kids

An open note to family and friends:

Please shut the fuck up about how "if you wait to have money to have kids, you'll never have kids!"  Hardee Har Har.

Are you going to pay for us to move our of our (can barely afford it now) 1 bedroom apartment?  Are you going to pay for day care? And diapers? and a car seat... (let alone the new car we need since our 2002 nissan is on its last legs...)... and crib... and clothing... and whatever else the fuck a baby needs?  Not to mention all the things a toddler needs... all the things a kindergartener needs... all the things a middle schooler needs....

Oh, no? You're not going to pay for any of those things for us?

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Having been one of those kids who grew up without money, let me just say... We kids know there's no money, and we know it fucking sucks.  We know it sucks not to have money to go on fieldtrips and have to be a charity case... we know it sucks to have to be on the free lunch program at school when we hand over our tickets and everyone else hands over cash... we know it sucks when all our friends go to florida over spring break with their families and we're at home being latch-key kids... we know it sucks when for 2 weeks out of the month dinner is nothing but toast and eggs, every single day.

It fucking sucks, and I don't want my kids going through that. 

So seriously, unless you're prepared to pull out your check book, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We couldn't do worse

Every time Jedi and I talk about having kids we come to the conclusion that now would not be a good time because of.... (take your pick: We are poor (ok, relatively speaking), we have no space, we have no time, we are working while finishing school... etc)

And then, oftentimes a story like THIS ONE hits the news and I think to myself, "Well, why the hell not. We certainly couldn't do worse."

Wanting the one who wants you

There's something compelling about wanting to be with someone who is kind of ambivalent about wanting to be with you, isn't there?  The, "can I prove I'm good enough so I'll be accepted"  of it all.  Or, as Groucho Marx would say, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."Obviously something dark and twisted that's engrained in the human psyche.

I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, though there certainly is that.  I mean, part of the appeal of Muckraker was certainly the fact that he was hot and cold about even wanting to spend time with me.  If only I could convince him that he DID want to spend time with me, what a coup that would be!  Well, I learned my lesson and when Jedi came along and he was very clear that he thought I was the cat's meow and couldn't wait to be around me, though it felt strange, at that point I had realized it was better to be chased than be the one doing the chasing.

Why it took me so long to figure that out, I don't really know.  I also don't know why it took me so long to figure out that it was also applicable to friendships as well.  Again, probably something deep, dark, and twisted in my psyche has often led me to be the one to be chasing after friends, inviting them over, inviting them out to do things.... all the while putting people who actually DO want to do things on the back burner.

I have a friend who has been my friend since we were in 5th grade.  We even lived together in college.  She knows me as well as Jedi does (living with a person will do that to you), and she's always been a great friend to me.  And yet... she's always been kind of an afterthought-- just THERE, present, you know?  She super fun, loyal, funny, amazing... and yet there are things about her that never made me consider her a good friend for some reason.  Our interests were different, our backgrounds different, totally different values, etc... and yet, she was the one who was there for me when I needed her.  And, in hindsight, I was probably a crappy friend-- because I viewed her, for some unfathomable reason, as a second tier friend.  I recently saw this friend again and I was like-- what had I been thinking? What an idiot I was! She's AMAZING, and I was the idiot who was looking for someone who was... just not that into me.  (but that's the appeal, the "just not into me" part, since obviously I'm not really "into me" either, and so we have that in common.

I've realized this pattern has continued to this day and it's really dumb.  And so, I've vowed to change it.  There's a woman at work who has always been very friendly, and we've hung out in a group and she's asked me to get together a few times, but I've always blown her off.  Not because I don't like her, but because I wonder what we could possibly have in common.  I realize how short-sighted I've been and I've asked her to get together this week.  Who knows, this could be the start of something beautiful.

At the very least, it's made me re-evaluate myself, and that's always a good thing..