Monday, June 4, 2012

Wanting the one who wants you

There's something compelling about wanting to be with someone who is kind of ambivalent about wanting to be with you, isn't there?  The, "can I prove I'm good enough so I'll be accepted"  of it all.  Or, as Groucho Marx would say, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."Obviously something dark and twisted that's engrained in the human psyche.

I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, though there certainly is that.  I mean, part of the appeal of Muckraker was certainly the fact that he was hot and cold about even wanting to spend time with me.  If only I could convince him that he DID want to spend time with me, what a coup that would be!  Well, I learned my lesson and when Jedi came along and he was very clear that he thought I was the cat's meow and couldn't wait to be around me, though it felt strange, at that point I had realized it was better to be chased than be the one doing the chasing.

Why it took me so long to figure that out, I don't really know.  I also don't know why it took me so long to figure out that it was also applicable to friendships as well.  Again, probably something deep, dark, and twisted in my psyche has often led me to be the one to be chasing after friends, inviting them over, inviting them out to do things.... all the while putting people who actually DO want to do things on the back burner.

I have a friend who has been my friend since we were in 5th grade.  We even lived together in college.  She knows me as well as Jedi does (living with a person will do that to you), and she's always been a great friend to me.  And yet... she's always been kind of an afterthought-- just THERE, present, you know?  She super fun, loyal, funny, amazing... and yet there are things about her that never made me consider her a good friend for some reason.  Our interests were different, our backgrounds different, totally different values, etc... and yet, she was the one who was there for me when I needed her.  And, in hindsight, I was probably a crappy friend-- because I viewed her, for some unfathomable reason, as a second tier friend.  I recently saw this friend again and I was like-- what had I been thinking? What an idiot I was! She's AMAZING, and I was the idiot who was looking for someone who was... just not that into me.  (but that's the appeal, the "just not into me" part, since obviously I'm not really "into me" either, and so we have that in common.

I've realized this pattern has continued to this day and it's really dumb.  And so, I've vowed to change it.  There's a woman at work who has always been very friendly, and we've hung out in a group and she's asked me to get together a few times, but I've always blown her off.  Not because I don't like her, but because I wonder what we could possibly have in common.  I realize how short-sighted I've been and I've asked her to get together this week.  Who knows, this could be the start of something beautiful.

At the very least, it's made me re-evaluate myself, and that's always a good thing..


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