Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Choosing my choice

The funny thing about being sad and angry about leaving my dysfunctional workplace is that it's easy to lose sight of the fact that I made the choice to leave.  I wasn't forced out. I wasn't fired. I wasn't "let go." I wasn't "asked to resign."

It was just water torture.  Death by a thousand paper cuts.

While the work itself hadn't changed, the way in which I was being asked to do my work was so convoluted, so clearly designed to be deliberately frustrating, insulting, belittling, ridiculous, and at cross-purposes to all good practices that it made no sense to continue.

But I could have continued.  But I chose not to.

In fact, one of my colleagues in HR told me that many people do continue, for years in some instances, in such circumstances.  The mind boggles.

Coming to work every day should be invigorating, exciting.  I take pride in what I do.  In fact, I'm fucking amazing at what I do, and I love it, which is why it's hard to leave. But I can't take pride in this.

I have to shake my head at my colleagues who are choosing to stay under an ever tightening grip of an administration, and who think that they are the sand that is somehow going to slip through the fingers instead of the shells that are going to get crushed.  And maybe they are... or maybe, they just are quietly planning their escape.

Collaboration, openness, dialogue, honesty, light, transparency, exchange, those are all things I need.

And it's difficult, because there are glimmers every once in a while... there are new people who say the right things, who say that will happen... and then. No.  Squashing and squelching of dissent. Backbiting, lying, maneuvering, politicking, squelching of innovation and independent thought...

I choose my choice to leave, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  Because I see the potential, I see what it could be, if enough people in power were actually willing to have a backbone and integrity.

I choose my choice and I'm scared about the future. I'm scared about student loans (yes, I have a plan to pay them off, but that plan goes to hell if in Nov. 2012 we have President Romney who decides to gut the budget).  I'm scared that Jedi will come to resent our new lifestyle that no longer includes such luxuries as heat over 65 degrees or beef.

But I choose my choice, because the alternative involves too many ethical sacrifices, and that's no choice at all.

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