I should be feeling good. I really should. Jedi is in my life, I have my health, I have family that cares about me, I have more prospects than I've had in awhile...
And yet, I'm in a terrible funk. I'm anxious too and it's causing me lots of stomach ailments. I don't know why I'm so anxious, I just know that breathing enough air into my lungs to get through the day is a herculean effort.
I do see a therapist and she's helped quite a bit over the last three years. I don't think I'd be with Jedi without doing the work I've done with her. She's been on vacation for two weeks and I definitely feel myself fraying at the edges. I suppose I could call and talk to someone else in her office but that seems silly. I'm seeing her on Friday by which point many things may have resolved themselves.
I think part of my difficulty is that it feels like I'm now not only responsible for my life and well being, I'm responsible for Jedi's. I've been helping him apply to a new school and to new jobs-- both of which have been Sisyphean tasks thus far. In the meantime I'm trying to get my own life in order and he requires so much hand holding and direction that I feel like I'm a lifeguard swimming for two.
I knew going into it that this is what I was getting myself into though. Believe me, I know. His other--amazing-- qualities more than make up for this. I'm hoping that he can get into a program at a local college (whose term starts in early Sept) that would be a much better fit than what he has been doing (in my estimation-- but I know him very well.) The program would be a degree in radiology and it would be much more hands-on than what he is doing now. His program now requires a lot of essay writing-- which he despairs at. There may or may not be someone who is dropping out of the Radiology program between now and the start of the term and Jedi may or may not be able to take that spot. I'm really hoping the universe takes pity on him and makes this possible.
In the meantime I'm both hopeful and despairing about my own prospects (complicated, isn't it? Let's just say that I'm waiting to hear back about 3 different things-- Thing # 1 I really want, but am not likely to get. Thing #2 I might want under the right conditions, but it seems growingly unlikely those conditions will be there. Thing #3 I can likely have if I want it... but I totally don't.) I'm thinking in cases 2 & 3 it might be a case of going from the frying pan into the fire. *sigh*
A few weeks ago Jedi very seriously wanted us to pack everything up and leave that very day to go (back) to the midwest. I admit, I was tempted too. However, as we all know-- wherever you go, there you are. I know leaving won't really solve anything-- esp. leaving without having anything else planned-- but it is so tempting at times. And you're always reading those stupid eat, pray, love type memoirs about people who chucked it all and found bliss. Could that possibly be that the people who chucked it all and ended up homeless didn't end up with million dollar book deals? Hmmm...? I want to hear from those people.
In the meantime I'm just plugging away... trying to get up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each day to face the world.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Come out, come out, wherever you are...
So, in checking my site traffic I'm finding that I've had a lot of hits recently coming from facebook.
Hmm...
This is... odd... to say the least.
I'm most curious. I can't follow the link back to anything other than the generic facebook homepage but based on the locations I don't think it's anyone I know personally.
Any facebook stalkers care to come out of hiding and elucidate me?
Hmm...
This is... odd... to say the least.
I'm most curious. I can't follow the link back to anything other than the generic facebook homepage but based on the locations I don't think it's anyone I know personally.
Any facebook stalkers care to come out of hiding and elucidate me?
Light at the End of the Tunnel?
I don't know if there's a light at the end of the tunnel... it's starting to feel like it but at the moment I don't want to jinx anything. I'll let you know in a month or so. :-p
Additionally, I just wanted to point out that in 365.25 days I will be married! How crazy is THAT to think about???!?
Additionally, I just wanted to point out that in 365.25 days I will be married! How crazy is THAT to think about???!?
Sunday, August 8, 2010
A Bad Day
Tomorrow will, very likely, not be a good day.
I got an email from my boss' boss on Friday (my day off) that ruined my weekend, left me sick to my stomach, asking me for a meeting first thing 9am on Monday. Tomorrow.
*sigh*
I'm pretty certain that this meeting will be to put me on warning for being insubordinate.
*sigh*
Nevermind that the email this meeting is going about was only to point out how it would not really be feasible for me to do the work they want done in the time period they want it done, (and oh- btw- had they looked at the spreadsheet I'd sent them 2 days ago because if they had bothered to open it they would have seen that it was already formatted in exactly the way they were requesting me to format it in the subsequent email.) Ok. I said it a bit more nicely than that, but I'm sure my frustration came through. Bad me.
Like I said, I"ve been SICK-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- about this all weekend. To the point where I started cutting myself again.
I KNOW this is stupid, believe me, I know. I also know that nothing makes me feel better faster.
I know that I will not care about the office I work in 5 minutes after I give my resignation. For all that I've been looking for new positions over the past year I've been somewhat lackadasical about it too-- only applying to jobs that I would REALLY want.
Yeah. No more of that. At this point I feel like I should just go an apply for anything and everything I'm qualified for and hope something sticks.
Jedi and I were talking about just packing everything up and moving back to the midwest without having any jobs lined up-- just giving 1 months notice and --boom-- we're out of here. It's very tempting, though not very practical, I know. It would feel super satisfying though!
The truth is that my patience with where we live is running out. There are basically 2 employers here-- the hospital and the college-- and all the other businesses service these other 2 businesses. We have a wal-mart, a kmart and a khol's and that's basically it. It is very pretty, but soul crushing with the cost of living and the lack of activities and non-transient young people.
I'm just feeling very discouraged at the moment. I know I don't technically have a lot to complain about-- I have Jedi, I have a roof over my head, I have a full stomach... But is it too first-world of me to want a job that's fulfilling and with people who value my input and insights?
When I was a kid I was "diagnosed" with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
This has to be the most seriously fucked up diagnosis ever, to tell you the truth--
Symptoms of ODD may include:
Um... Yeah. Could all of these symptoms also be explained by the fact that the adults AROUND me were complete controlling asshats who gave orders that made no sense and were frequently narcissistic and controlling also?
So, yes, I recognize I have a bad attitude at times... As an adult I've learned to control it most of the time and at least pretend that I"m semi-civilized... but I swear! My workplace is making me want to react in childish ways. (You'll have to take my word for it that 3/4 of my colleagues are CRAZY people... but trust me, they are.)
*sigh*
Anyone want to hire me?
(I know, I know! After that you surely will, won't you?! But trust me! I'm a fantastic employee when my employer isn't insane!)
I got an email from my boss' boss on Friday (my day off) that ruined my weekend, left me sick to my stomach, asking me for a meeting first thing 9am on Monday. Tomorrow.
*sigh*
I'm pretty certain that this meeting will be to put me on warning for being insubordinate.
*sigh*
Nevermind that the email this meeting is going about was only to point out how it would not really be feasible for me to do the work they want done in the time period they want it done, (and oh- btw- had they looked at the spreadsheet I'd sent them 2 days ago because if they had bothered to open it they would have seen that it was already formatted in exactly the way they were requesting me to format it in the subsequent email.) Ok. I said it a bit more nicely than that, but I'm sure my frustration came through. Bad me.
Like I said, I"ve been SICK-- physically, emotionally, mentally-- about this all weekend. To the point where I started cutting myself again.
I KNOW this is stupid, believe me, I know. I also know that nothing makes me feel better faster.
I know that I will not care about the office I work in 5 minutes after I give my resignation. For all that I've been looking for new positions over the past year I've been somewhat lackadasical about it too-- only applying to jobs that I would REALLY want.
Yeah. No more of that. At this point I feel like I should just go an apply for anything and everything I'm qualified for and hope something sticks.
Jedi and I were talking about just packing everything up and moving back to the midwest without having any jobs lined up-- just giving 1 months notice and --boom-- we're out of here. It's very tempting, though not very practical, I know. It would feel super satisfying though!
The truth is that my patience with where we live is running out. There are basically 2 employers here-- the hospital and the college-- and all the other businesses service these other 2 businesses. We have a wal-mart, a kmart and a khol's and that's basically it. It is very pretty, but soul crushing with the cost of living and the lack of activities and non-transient young people.
I'm just feeling very discouraged at the moment. I know I don't technically have a lot to complain about-- I have Jedi, I have a roof over my head, I have a full stomach... But is it too first-world of me to want a job that's fulfilling and with people who value my input and insights?
When I was a kid I was "diagnosed" with Oppositional Defiant Disorder
This has to be the most seriously fucked up diagnosis ever, to tell you the truth--
Symptoms of ODD may include:
- Frequent temper tantrums
- Excessive arguing with adults
- Often questioning rules
- Active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
- Deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
- Blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
- Often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
- Frequent anger and resentment
- Mean and hateful talking when upset
- Spiteful attitude and revenge seeking
Um... Yeah. Could all of these symptoms also be explained by the fact that the adults AROUND me were complete controlling asshats who gave orders that made no sense and were frequently narcissistic and controlling also?
So, yes, I recognize I have a bad attitude at times... As an adult I've learned to control it most of the time and at least pretend that I"m semi-civilized... but I swear! My workplace is making me want to react in childish ways. (You'll have to take my word for it that 3/4 of my colleagues are CRAZY people... but trust me, they are.)
*sigh*
Anyone want to hire me?
(I know, I know! After that you surely will, won't you?! But trust me! I'm a fantastic employee when my employer isn't insane!)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Prospects
It's job hunting season where I work. Now that the layoffs are past and the company has started rehiring again it seems like everyone is job hunting. In fact, it's almost like a game of musical chairs... (or is it more like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic? Ha. It's hard to tell sometimes.)
It's hard here because not only is the hiring process "as slow as molasses in January" as one of my friends put it, but now that it's all limited to internal hires, it seems like everyone is competing with their friends for the same handful of positions.
One good thing about working in such a tight-knit community is that everyone knows the dirt about everyone elses' office. That's also the bad thing! There are a fair number of positions that seem interesting on paper/good to an outsider... but we know better! We know that particular supervisor is terrible... or that that particular office is being consolidated and so who knows who is going to be made redundant... or that that office is horribly disorganized... or that that office refuses to get rid of the dead weight and keeps on a receptionist that makes everyone's life hell.
Therefore, not only is there a small pool of positions to choose from, but the pool of positions that are in offices where people aren't certifiably crazy is even smaller. Picture a kiddie wading pool.
Amongst friends we try to feel each other out... Oh- Were you interested in that? If so, I wont apply... Oh, are you looking to leave? Does that mean your position will be open? What's it like to work there?... do you know so-and-so? Why is that person leaving?
My job is actually going a bit better these days. However, the fall is quickly approaching and I know that it will soon mean that my peaceful weekends will be at an end. There are aspects to my job that I enjoy but being asked to work 90% of the weekends between September and June is just hell-- and inhumane-- (well, at least it is at the piddly salary I'm making.) So, right now I'm keeping my eyes open for something that will let me have some semblance of a personal life.
I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for 2 friends who have yet to hear back about positions they were supposed to hear back about last week. I hope we all make it out of all this reorganization with our sanity intact and better, more fulfilling jobs on the horizon.
It's hard here because not only is the hiring process "as slow as molasses in January" as one of my friends put it, but now that it's all limited to internal hires, it seems like everyone is competing with their friends for the same handful of positions.
One good thing about working in such a tight-knit community is that everyone knows the dirt about everyone elses' office. That's also the bad thing! There are a fair number of positions that seem interesting on paper/good to an outsider... but we know better! We know that particular supervisor is terrible... or that that particular office is being consolidated and so who knows who is going to be made redundant... or that that office is horribly disorganized... or that that office refuses to get rid of the dead weight and keeps on a receptionist that makes everyone's life hell.
Therefore, not only is there a small pool of positions to choose from, but the pool of positions that are in offices where people aren't certifiably crazy is even smaller. Picture a kiddie wading pool.
Amongst friends we try to feel each other out... Oh- Were you interested in that? If so, I wont apply... Oh, are you looking to leave? Does that mean your position will be open? What's it like to work there?... do you know so-and-so? Why is that person leaving?
My job is actually going a bit better these days. However, the fall is quickly approaching and I know that it will soon mean that my peaceful weekends will be at an end. There are aspects to my job that I enjoy but being asked to work 90% of the weekends between September and June is just hell-- and inhumane-- (well, at least it is at the piddly salary I'm making.) So, right now I'm keeping my eyes open for something that will let me have some semblance of a personal life.
I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for 2 friends who have yet to hear back about positions they were supposed to hear back about last week. I hope we all make it out of all this reorganization with our sanity intact and better, more fulfilling jobs on the horizon.
Moderate comments?
Hmmm... I've been thinking that I should maybe start moderating comments.
I don't want to discourage people from commenting but at the same time I'm starting to get a fair bit of spam (which I think also discourages people from commenting if I'm not fast enough at removing it.)
What say you internet folks?
I don't want to discourage people from commenting but at the same time I'm starting to get a fair bit of spam (which I think also discourages people from commenting if I'm not fast enough at removing it.)
What say you internet folks?
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