Monday, December 13, 2010

Comment response

Because blogger will not let me post this response to a comment (as it's too large) I'm posting it here.


Judgmental? Really? When you see only a small segment of my life and pass this judgment on me?

Interestingly enough I am actually fairly thin-skinned and so to be called childish, self-centered, and a bully might, under ordinary circumstances, be something that would bother me if I felt there was a basis to it... and yet, I feel not a twinge of guilt-- because I know these accusations are ridiculous.

Oh, sure, I recognize that I have certainly been those things in various other circumstances in my life, yet with introspection I can honestly say those don't apply in this situation.

So let me address your points one by one, oh anonymous commentator:

1) I do in fact take responsibility for my own part. I said as much. I apologized to Jedi's mother numerous times for the jokes I made. (I may say to you, anonymous internets, that I still find the jokes funny, but I am sincerely sorry I hurt her feelings. I  apologized several times for this.) Anyone who was present when I made those jokes (and people who were there were laughing and making comments as well) would be hard pressed to label them as "intentionally cruel," I think. Especially since Jedi's mother was the one who started off by saying she found Tom creepy...

2) Yes, really, I initiated our "conversation" via text. Because that is in fact how we usually converse because... Da da dum! Darth's phone has been on the fritz for a month ever since she dropped it in water. Only the text function is still working and she doesn't want to spend the money to get a new phone. (And they don't have a house phone.) NOW who's the judgmental one...?

3)She did actually give me her side of the story in the email she sent me. I accept the fact that she felt uncomfortable and disrespected by the jokes and I APOLOGIZED for it. The side of the story I don't agree with are spelled out in points 1-8. This didn't need to get where it is, this could have been halted at joke #1 because, as unfeeling as you seem to find me, I actually DO FEEL BAD about hurting her feelings. Sincerely.

3a) I find it suspect that NOW she wants to talk after having been unwilling to address the issue when it came up.. and the week in between. She had AMPLE opportunities to talk. She's the one who went about this in a roundabout way. I don't want to talk at the moment because (as you may be able to tell from the heated nature of my previous post) I do not trust myself not to do more damage to the relationship until I cool down. I am not cooled down. Why would I rush to talk when it would only make things worse?

4)I think point 3a- about not calling her until I've cooled down-- actually shows a pretty good ability to temper my behaviour to the people in my life.  I agree I shouldn't "shout my mouth off [sic]" WHICH IS WHY I'M NOT CURRENTLY TALKING TO HER.

5) Touche on the throwing the wedding around part. Frankly I'm NOT sure about the wedding... however, I AM sure about Jedi. There is a significant distinction. I don't need a wedding to know I want to be with Jedi for the long term.  However, weddings mean joining FAMILIES and the issues involved. Nothing is perfect but there are some issues I don't necessarily want to take on either. A "wedding" definitely makes those issues MINE.

I'd be curious as to which other entries lead you to your conclusions. You have also made assumptions that I didn't ask people about their motivations. Um. Wrong.

Additionally, I have never said I was blameless and it wasn't my intention to portray that I was. I said that the jokes I made were ones I probably shouldn't have. I think I've been pretty clear about owning up and apologizing for that.

However, the issues go beyond this one incident.  I'm actually pretty introspective and I recognize that I only helped inflame the situation in this instance by insisting on not dropping the issue when Jedi's mother wanted to drop it. I did that because I felt that the usual MO of brushing things aside is not productive. I'd rather get the air cleared now than live with brushing things under the rug for 50 years.

I've also asked Jedi to be very honest with me and tell me if he thinks I'm off base. Our relationship is such that he DOES feel comfortable telling me when I'm wrong-- he's told me so in other situations in fact, situations in which I believed I was completely correct-- and in those cases I've reexamined my behaviour and realized that I was in the wrong, and apologized, and changed my behaviour accordingly..

In this particular case Jedi (who I will admit, is a much better person than I am) believes his parents are very much in the wrong.  Frankly, if I had any doubt about my "rightness" (Not blamelessness-- two very different things) the fact that he feels the same way I do would assuage that.

I also want to add that this is not actually about "proving" my "rightness"-- If that was what it is I would quit right now. This is about not wanting to have the same pattern of behaviour for all my future interactions with Darth. I don't want to have passive aggressive interactions with her forever -- but that's the way she deals with conflict. All I want is for her to take a look at where this incident went off the rails-- and it went off the rails when she made the choice not to speak with me directly.

NO, I haven't asked Jedi to intervene or to not see his parents or anything of the sort (he's seeing them tonight as a matter of fact.) I would never interfere with his relationship with them, nor would I want to.  I want him to have a loving and caring relationship with them. However, he's told me that he's had many similar issues with his mother due to her passive way of dealing with conflict and that he understands why I feel the way I do.

So, sorry random internet commentator-- Jedi's opinion matters more to me than yours.  When he starts thinking I'm a self-centered childish bully, well, then I'll start to worry.

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