Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I can't get no satisfaction

What is WRONG with me?

No, seriously... (well... maybe not. Maybe I don't want an answer to that.)

Everything in my life at the moment (knock on wood) is coming up roses.

I have a great new job (that will-- knock on wood--become an officially permanent one... otherwise I'll be SOL come July) that is much more fulfilling that my last one. It's also much more relaxing. I have a really great boss (who will, sadly, not be my boss come July--her choice to move on), I feel respected, I feel valued, I'm treated like a grown up-- (unlike these poor women who work for the world's worst boss.), I'm told I have future opportunities for professional growth.

I have Jedi in my life-- the kindest and most thoughtful person I've ever met. Jedi has a great new job which has helped his health issues.

The wedding planning is going along well... things are (mostly) within budget. Think I may even have a reasonably priced honeymoon location.

I have my health, I have a roof over my head, (knock on wood!!!)...

There's nothing wrong... and yet, somehow, there's something wrong with me. 

I'm just so dissatisfied for no reason at all. Really! Not a single reason that I can think of for being dissatisfied! (well, other than I would like a larger closet. But other than that...)

And yet, I look around at my life thinking-- "Is this all there is?" 

I know that some of this stems with my annoyance with myself in regards to my writing project. What--other than myself-- is keeping me from actually doing it? What's kept me from doing it the last 10 years? What will keep me from doing it 10 years from now?

Five years ago I actually wrote out a contract with myself promising that I would have not one--but THREE-- completed manuscripts by July of 2010.

Heh. You can guess how that deadline fared.  While I do want to give myself a deadline for this new project I worry that it will have the same fate.

What's that old definition of insanity again...? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. *sigh*

I know I would feel better if I could just start getting something on the page. I've felt, for a long time, that it's something that is important to me in my life.

Well, if it's so important, what's keeping me from doing it.

I know I CAN do it.

There are people who say, "what you're afraid of isn't failure, it's success."

Um. No. Sorry. Bullshit. I don't believe that. I'm looking forward to success :-)  I just worry I won't be successful. I'm afraid I won't have the stamina or drive to get there.

You always hear stories about people like Steven King who wrote 30 manuscripts and got rejected 400 times before making it big.  Yea. well. I already know I don't have that kind of drive.  So, I am afraid of that.

However, before I get to the rejection stage I have to get past the writer's block stage. (And, can I even call it writer's block? I mean, I'm able to write semi-coherently on this blog just fine... in fact, the more i procrastinate the more I write here! Lucky you.)  I just can't seem to get the ideas in my head down on paper and I can figure out what's stopping me and I have a feeling that this dissatisfaction with life in general won't be solved until I figure that out.

1 comment:

mmeperpetua said...

This might be the Things Are Settled unsettled feeling. There came a point after I was married when I realized, well, no more first dates. No more fluttery first feelings of love. Here we are, settled.

That is a wonderful thing, obviously, but it also means a certain part of your life has come to a close. So I think it's a perfectly normal feeling to be a little sad or mournful for that (slightly more exciting) single life. Or maybe I'm just a jerk?