Let's call the whole thing off.

Phhhhheeeeeewwwww... Hello again, dear readers.

I've only semi-dropped off the face of the earth. As I mentioned before, these 2 weeks are CrAZy! Working from 7am-11pm every day, plus family coming from out of town...

and, oh, yeah... Jedi & I set a wedding date.

August 2011.

I felt good about it for a few days... and now I'm totally freaking out.

Frankly, I'd be good with the status quo forever, but a wedding is important to Jedi. Not just a wedding, (e.g. we can' t just elope), but the whole she-bang with reception & flowers and stuff.

Ok, ok. I'm going with it. Frankly it took me about 2 days to plan it.

Reception hall- Set
Church - Set
Rehearsal dinner- Set
Hotels for out of towners- set
Caterer- Set
Band - (semi-set)
Minister- set
etc...

I finally decided to do it where I work -- which I originally wanted to avoid because that made it seem like this wedding would be a work-related event. But, eventually, I decided it was stupid not to take advantage of the resources here. I really wouldn't be able to this for less than I can do it here. I already have relationships with the various vendors because of my job... and, again, this means that I was able to plan the whole damn thing in 2 days.

Done & Done, right?

Well, sorta.

Jedi & I got into... well, not a fight precisely... last night, but I did a lot of yelling and stomping around.

My mother, rather shockingly enough, offered out of the blue to contribute $1500 to the wedding. I admit, we were going to make the pitch, but she offered it before we could do the asking. My dad (parents divorced) is matching it. Jedi & I had planned to each put in $1000. We had planned to ask his parents to match what my parents put it.

Well, last night Jedi told me that his dad told him that all they're planning on paying for is the rehearsal dinner. And this is after the fact that I had told his family that I had planned on the rehearsal dinner being hamburgers/hot dogs at a local campsite. (Call me classless, but frankly I think a fireside cook out with smores & stuff near a lake would be fun and economical.) So, let's see... even on the EXPENSIVE side, that type of rehearsal dinner would prob. be less than $300.

His dad said, "Well, it's the responsibility of the bride's family to pay for the wedding."

So, tell me dear readers, was I wrong to stomp and yell?

Ok, I was wrong to stomp and yell at Jedi as if this was somehow his fault (and I did apologize for it)... but, oooooo! I got so steamed up! I had to leave the house to get some air.

It took talking it over with my therapist today to really get to the depths of why this made me so mad.

I mean, it's a little bridezilla-ish of me to be expecting them to pay for anything I suppose, isn't it? I suppose I should say, "Thanks for paying for the rehearsal dinner" and STFU about it. But I just can't.

Mostly for 2 reasons:

#1) That whole "The bride's family pays" is such an archaic bullshit holdover from a time in which women were such worthless commodities that families literally had to pay some schmoe to take her off their hands.

#2) Jedi has a 16 year old sister. Basically what his dad is saying is, "We'll pay for your sister's wedding, but not for yours." Given how much preferential treatment his sister is given in general (Jedi is the product of his mother's first marriage. His "dad" is his mom's husband. Jedi doesn't have any contact with his biological father.) I was so pissed on his behalf.

#3) I was perfectly happy to either-- not have a wedding, or -- to elope. Jedi's family strongly objected to both options. (And, well, so did Jedi.) For them to then decide not to contribute just felt like such a shitty thing to do.

#4) I've had a good relationship with his parents, but this really felt like a slap in the face. It felt like them saying, "well, we don't REALLY support this."

(ok, so that was more than 2 reasons... whatever.)

Now, I know $1000 is a lot of money, and no one on either side really has any. However, when one considers that this is more than a YEAR away, it does seem like it's pretty crappy to be like, "It's too much trouble to put $75/month away." I mean, yeah, no one is rich, no one is destitute either.

So, what say you interwebs? Am I a heinous bitch for expecting his parents to pony up $1000? (Please bear in mind that they're getting off CHEAP! I'm getting $1500 from EACH of my parents... to be even we should technically be asking his parents to match that and give us $3000. Additionally, my mom is working a second job to help pay for my relatives to fly in for the wedding.)

Anyhoo-- this may all be a mountain out of a molehill since his mom and I had a talk this afternoon and she said that Jedi's dad is totally old-fashioned and she would talk to him and that she thinks they'll be able to give us $1000.

We shall see how this all shakes out, but frankly the whole bruhaha just made me want to call the whole thing off.

The Road Not Taken

I heard back from the University in Australia yesterday. I didn't get the scholarship... :-(

Boo...! Right? I mean, yes...

Well, I feel very ambivalent about it.

What this basically means is that I can't go to Australia... this year at least. This is because this particular program-- that was for 6 months in Norway-- wasn't covered by US financial aid because of a whole bunch of red-tape reasons.

So, I'm deferring. I don't know if I'm deferring and will actually GO next year, or if I'm just deferring to keep from having to make a decision.

As I'm deferring I'm also transferring my acceptance to a different program -- one that WOULD be eligible for more varied forms of financial aid. So, yes, I'll apply for that aid...

...but... well...

Maybe I'm getting too old for this. The thought of doing all that paperwork, all those visas, all those work permits, packing, moving, finding a renter for my place, figuring out what to do with my dog... (Not to mention Jedi)... well, it's exhausting me.

So, taking a year to figure things out doesn't sound so bad. I plan to read (all those books I've missed for the past 2 years! It's amazing how reading for school kills your desire to read for pleasure!), I plan to write! (This is what my peanut gallery wants me to do... write and earn millions! Ha!), I plan to garden... I plan to do yoga! ... I plan to go to the farmer's market... I plan to take a cooking class... I plan to beat Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii...

And frankly? That doesn't sound so bad.

All I want now is a new job-- one that will give me the TIME I need to do all of those things! A job in which I can feel challenged and engaged, but not stressed out all the time.

Fingers crossed that with one path barred in front of me another will be shown to me!

First World Problems

I just finished my thesis defense.

Yippee, right? Nothing stands between me and graduation in 2 weeks... (Well, except for my boss who still might not give me the day off. I would quit, but there's that whole little thing about PAYING THE DAMN BILLS. Believe me though, I fantasize about saying, "Take this job and shove it..." precisely for these types of issues. After how much I've given to this job to threaten to not allow me the day off just makes my blood boil."

So, you'd think I'd be happy... right? And yet... no. In fact I haven't been depressed like this in months and months... (Well, not since March to be specific. When I first asked for commencement day off and the refusal spiraled into a whole litany of my failings as an employee...) I've not been hearing back from any of the places I've applied to and one job I particularly had my sights set on it sounds as though-- even though I'm eminently qualified for the entry level position (I just really want to work in that department-- I'm willing to take a pay cut in order to do it.)--- It's unlikely I'll get it... because of various political reasons that are out of my control.

Additionally, I've not heard back about the potential scholarship to Norway/Australia which they were supposed to be deciding on last week. I know I should just be in touch with them, but right now the university in Australia is kind of annoying me... Even though I was accepted in APRIL I still have not received any OFFICIAL letter of acceptance. This makes me doubt the quality of the program if they can't even get their act together to do that!

Anyway... so, right now I'm just feeling really trapped and stuck and I'm about to head into the busiest season at work. The busy season means that for about 3 weeks I won't be able to get away from work AT ALL. Saturdays, Sundays... Working from 8am-11pm every single day. It is GRUELING and just the thought of it makes me want to kill myself.

I think one thing that REALLY stresses me out about this ... really depresses me... is that I'm coming up on my 1 year anniversary of the time that I was unceremoniously plopped into my current position due to restructuring. (Oh, did I mention that 3 people in my office recently got promoted? One of them I trained in? And she got promoted ABOVE me? for the job I trained her for?) For this entire year I've been telling myself- "I'll be off to something better-- something I really LOVE to do!-- before I have to work this hellacious month!

And yet... Here I still am!! :-( The thought makes me cry. In fact, I have been crying. I've been unable to get out of bed for the past 2 days because I'm totally depressed.

Sigh... How do I get un-stuck?!

Smart Guy

Jedi and I were watching TV last night. I made a comment about something that happened on the show.

He didn't answer me so I looked over to find him reading a book.

Exasperated I said, "You can't read a book and watch TV at the same time!"

He looked up, grinned, and said, "Well, that's what we'll tell our future children anyway."

:-P

MIA

Heeeelllllooooo..... interwebs! Is that an echo I hear? Why, yes, it must be rather lonely since my blog has gotten a bit dusty of late!

I have an excuse, I swear! It's that blasted thesis...! Which is now signed, sealed & delivered! All that's left is my defense in a week... and then COMMENCEMENT!

Did I think I'd ever make it? Sometimes no.... But well, here we are! Not necessarily a GOOD thesis, but at this point DONE is better than GOOD... amirite, interweb friends, or amirite?


But, well, that's all boring academic-y type stuff that even *I* have little interest in, so I won't bore you with it.

Let's see... let's get you up to speed on the other boring aspects of my life!

Ha-- have I mentioned that I think that's why Jedi & I are so compatible? We're both really low-key people. Our idea of a great night is having pizza in bed and watching the real housewives of_____[fill in the blank... we're addicted. it's sad, I know.]____

So, while I wish I could tell you exciting, amazing things about what's going on with us, there's not too much to report.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the scholarship to Australia (or, barring that, waiting to hear back on any of the other applications I currently have out!) and Jedi is waiting to hear back about jobs as well.

We had a nice mother's day with his family a few weeks ago. Have I mentioned how much I love my future MIL? She is just the SWEETEST person. We went and painted pottery and went yard-saleing (Where I FOOLISHLY, FOOLISHLY passed up a pottery-barn black leather couch that was on sale for $200. I'm still kicking myself! I went back and put a note on the door of the people who were selling it, but no luck!)

We also had a ----dum dum dum --- parents meeting! We all went out to dinner with his family and my family (minus my real mom who lives across the country and is visiting in a few weeks) and his parents & my dad & stepmom got along fantastically. (Kinda scary actually.... his dad & my dad got along great. They can both be rather difficult personalities, but they were both on their best behaviour that night and are now best buds.)

So, well, all is going along swimmingly, I guess!

I will probably be VERY sporadic in posting until the end of June though, just as a warning, due to a cR8zY work schedule! Grrr! Though, if Jedi & I bite the dust, no fears, you shall hear it here first!

Looking for a date? Lie.

In honor of the fact that this used to be a dating blog...

Why you should lie in your online profiles...

Or so this article says...

For what it's worth, it's true what it says about some things that we think matter (like height) not really mattering once we get to know someone.

If Jedi had ended up in my "match" list on an online site? I would have dismissed him out of hand.

Live and learn!

Fat, so?

So, here's a real controversy for once since most of my topics have been pretty tame lately...

I don't like fat people.

Ok, ok. Hold on before you hit the "NEXT" button on your browser!

When I say I don't like fat people I'm really saying, "I don't like myself as a fat person."

I don't know which school of psychiatry it is that says "what you dislike most in other people is what you dislike most about yourself but are unable to articulate", but that's really what this is.

Don't get me wrong! I have friends who are fat! (Gah! That's kinda like the, "I have nothing against the gays! I have friends who are gay!... even though I just voted for this legislation to strip them of their equal rights" bullshit that politicians pull, isn't it!?) God, does this make me like self-loathing gay republicans who activate against their own interests? I don't know.

When I say that I don't like fat people I am also talking about a judgmental part of myself that I really dislike as well. Yesterday Jedi and I went to see his sister's high school play and one thing I was struck by was how FAT so many of those kids are! Like, shockingly fat! And this one poor girl, her costume didn't fit her at all, and every time she moved around rolls of belly fat were exposed. And I'm ashamed to say that my initial reaction was "Ugh! How gross!" not "Oh, that poor girl! She needs a better fitting costume!"

Don't get me wrong. I AM very ashamed of this reaction. Most especially because I know how it feels. It's the reaction I got MY ENTIRE LIFE from my mom, and my siblings, and the rest of my family (See posts below for more Food and Self-Loathing fun!)

I'm working with my therapist to keep weight and worth from being inextricably linked, but it's hard-- that's the programming I was indoctrinated with.

I'm feeling particularly crummy about myself right now because I have gained weight recently... (So much so that I'll make a cringe-worthy confession-- I took a home pregnancy test to see if that wasn't the reason (Since I'm on BC that skips periods I'm now terrified of ending up on one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant!" shows). And as horrible as it would have been for the results to be positive a small part of me was thinking, "Well, at least if I'm pregnant that means that I'm not just-- ew!-- FAT, yanno!" But no. The results were (thankfully) negative. So, I'm not having a BABY, baby... I'm just, yanno, having... a FOOD baby.) BTW-- Jedi and I were going to go join the gym today, but we got distracted by the ice cream shop on the way there...

I do blame Jedi for some of my recent weight gain. With him in the house I've been buying a lot of things he likes, things that I don't normally get. Chips, cheetos, little debbie cakes, peanut butter and Jelly, pre-packaged over-processed crap-ola type stuff. (Not that he should be eating it either, I suppose) This is because he's "Good" and packs his lunches in the morning, and puts a couple of those treats in there for his lunches. Well, I go to the cafeteria at work most of the time, but I still eat all the crap when I get home too. So, I know this is my "fault" (Even though my therapist doesn't like for me to talk about "fault" where food is concerned. Food is neutral-- it is neither the "good" nor the "bad" that we associate with it, and then associate with OURSELVES when we ingest it. Food is either "Nutritious" or "Not Nutritious." But I sort of digress)...

Part of it is also that Jedi not only doesn't have a problem with my eating, he encourages it. Ok, ok... so, Jedi kind of has a "thing" for chubby girls. I guess that works out well for me, but at the same time I know it's part of the reason that I get complacent when he says, "Wanna get ice cream?" when we've already had ice cream that day.

He really hates it when I call myself fat. It upsets him actually. And while he always says "You're not fat!" ... well, I am. Trust me, dear readers, I am not "Rubenesque" or "Voluptuous" or any other euphemistic phrases that annoy the crap out of me. I say this because I don't want you to think that I'm some 140lb chick who thinks she should lose 20lbs.

(Side note: As I sit here writing this Jedi has just asked, "Do you want me to make you anything to eat?" *sigh* It's lovely that he does so, and it makes me feel loved... but at the same time it does lead me to eat more than I should. Because who in their right mind is going to turn down a sandwich? Yum.)

Part of this issue for me is that my mother always said that I'd never find anyone who would want to be with me if I was fat. Well. Somehow I did. I don't know what to make of that, but I did. So doesn't that mean I should be feeling better about myself? And yet, somehow I'm not.

I know that a big part of the answer is that I need to be kinder to others as a way of being kinder to myself. I know the issues other overweight people struggle with. I KNOW it's not as "easy" as "Just Put the Donut Down!" (And if any trolls say some variation of that in the comments, do trust that you'll be deleted ASAP.) If there was a simple solution, don't you think Oprah would have found it by now? Don't you think some marketer would have packaged and bottled it? I've tried it all-- WW, OA, Atkins, WeighDownWorkshop, Mindful Eating, Anorexia, Bulimia, exercising, etc, etc, etc. It all "worked" to some extent or another... but the problem is ME... not the eating (or not eating) or the food. If it was as easy as taking the weight off that would be one thing. I could get my jaw wired. But even people who have had their stomachs stapled (which is why I've not decided to do this) find ways around that and often regain the weight (or find other addictions.)

I guess most of what I'm saying is not THAT controversial. I mean, I'm a self-hating fat person! What could be more passe than that? But I spend a lot of time thinking about this because #1) I obviously still don't have a good handle on it, and #2) I really don't want to pass this on to any future kids, and #3) it really annoys me when people (thin people, in my experience) DON'T GET IT!

As for #3) I've found that most of those people think this is a matter of willpower... even though studies have shown junk food is as addictive as cocaine. For those people for whom food is not an issue-- well, Great for them! I liken it to people who don't get addicted to cigarettes. Some people aren't predisposed to addiction-- and those that are can avoid cigarettes... but I can't avoid food. Can I avoid just Ice cream? Or Bread? Or XYZ? Sure... for a little while. But in no other addiction are you constantly confronted with the object of your addiction-- ENCOURAGED even to partake... and then vilified when the effects (fattening!) become visible.

Please believe me when I say that being anorexic was easier than trying to eat mindfully. When you're not eating at all you're not confronted with choices. When you don't have to make choices it becomes a lot easier to be in control. With choices every step is a potential misstep. And every misstep is the potential 3-day binge.

I was doing well with my eating up until Jedi moved in. I ate when I was hungry, I didn't when I wasn't. It's not fair to blame him, but I eat more socially and I eat more junk when he's around. I wasn't thrilled with my weight but I had stabilized at size 18 for 2 years. I had accepted myself, come to appreciate myself and find that I was ok there.... Now I've crept to 22 and I'm scared I won't be able to halt the progression, or WORSE won't be able to reverse it. I DO NOT want to fall back into the self-destructive behaviors of the past... but I can't seem to find a healthy way of eating right now. (Who am I kidding, "Right Now." I don't know if I've EVER had a healthy way of eating.) What was working for me was deliberately NOT thinking about food, but with Jedi around offering me food that I mindlessly eat, this is not a good solution.

So what to do? Besides be kinder to others and myself? I'm not sure.