For Posterity

I've had a rough week.  Really rough.  To give you an example, one of our senior administrators just recently quit her job and dyed her hair bright pink as a big ole middle finger to the powers that be.  Her issues are not my issues (other than indirectly) but I understand her impulse and I envy her chutzpah.  I feel like giving a lot of people around here the middle finger.

But that's neither here nor there as far as this particular blog is concerned.  My rough week led me to take an impromptu vacation for my own mental health (and to keep me from saying something rash, which given my mortgage would not be wise...)

I usually leave Jedi a note on his pillow when I go away on trips, and I didn't realize how much it meant to him until he mentioned being sad that I'd left so quickly I hadn't left one this time around.

And so, I sent him this email instead, which I'm putting on the blog for posterity.

I can't say it enough, but I know I don't say it as often as I should, I really have the best husband in the world.

Dearest Jedi,

While I may not have left this on your pillow, I'm thinking about you as I go to sleep tonight.  When I think back to when we first met, I never could have imagined how much I would grow to trust you, to rely on you, to love you with all my heart.  You are so much a part of me that its only when you're not with me that I realize how much of me is missing with you gone.

You are thoughtful and kind and loving in everything that you do, and if I live a hundred years I'll never be able to repay the kindness you've shown me in these 3 short years we've been together.  Thank you for your patience, and for your concern, and for your gentleness.  You've softened my edges and smoothed out my rough spots, even though I know I still have a long ways to go.  Thank you for telling me, always, that it will be all right.  It will be, as long as I have you by my side.  You are not my rock-- you are my soft place to land.

I love you tttthhhhheeeessseee much, and you will always be my favorite.

Xoxoxo

Kids

An open note to family and friends:

Please shut the fuck up about how "if you wait to have money to have kids, you'll never have kids!"  Hardee Har Har.

Are you going to pay for us to move our of our (can barely afford it now) 1 bedroom apartment?  Are you going to pay for day care? And diapers? and a car seat... (let alone the new car we need since our 2002 nissan is on its last legs...)... and crib... and clothing... and whatever else the fuck a baby needs?  Not to mention all the things a toddler needs... all the things a kindergartener needs... all the things a middle schooler needs....

Oh, no? You're not going to pay for any of those things for us?

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Having been one of those kids who grew up without money, let me just say... We kids know there's no money, and we know it fucking sucks.  We know it sucks not to have money to go on fieldtrips and have to be a charity case... we know it sucks to have to be on the free lunch program at school when we hand over our tickets and everyone else hands over cash... we know it sucks when all our friends go to florida over spring break with their families and we're at home being latch-key kids... we know it sucks when for 2 weeks out of the month dinner is nothing but toast and eggs, every single day.

It fucking sucks, and I don't want my kids going through that. 

So seriously, unless you're prepared to pull out your check book, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We couldn't do worse

Every time Jedi and I talk about having kids we come to the conclusion that now would not be a good time because of.... (take your pick: We are poor (ok, relatively speaking), we have no space, we have no time, we are working while finishing school... etc)

And then, oftentimes a story like THIS ONE hits the news and I think to myself, "Well, why the hell not. We certainly couldn't do worse."

Wanting the one who wants you

There's something compelling about wanting to be with someone who is kind of ambivalent about wanting to be with you, isn't there?  The, "can I prove I'm good enough so I'll be accepted"  of it all.  Or, as Groucho Marx would say, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."Obviously something dark and twisted that's engrained in the human psyche.

I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, though there certainly is that.  I mean, part of the appeal of Muckraker was certainly the fact that he was hot and cold about even wanting to spend time with me.  If only I could convince him that he DID want to spend time with me, what a coup that would be!  Well, I learned my lesson and when Jedi came along and he was very clear that he thought I was the cat's meow and couldn't wait to be around me, though it felt strange, at that point I had realized it was better to be chased than be the one doing the chasing.

Why it took me so long to figure that out, I don't really know.  I also don't know why it took me so long to figure out that it was also applicable to friendships as well.  Again, probably something deep, dark, and twisted in my psyche has often led me to be the one to be chasing after friends, inviting them over, inviting them out to do things.... all the while putting people who actually DO want to do things on the back burner.

I have a friend who has been my friend since we were in 5th grade.  We even lived together in college.  She knows me as well as Jedi does (living with a person will do that to you), and she's always been a great friend to me.  And yet... she's always been kind of an afterthought-- just THERE, present, you know?  She super fun, loyal, funny, amazing... and yet there are things about her that never made me consider her a good friend for some reason.  Our interests were different, our backgrounds different, totally different values, etc... and yet, she was the one who was there for me when I needed her.  And, in hindsight, I was probably a crappy friend-- because I viewed her, for some unfathomable reason, as a second tier friend.  I recently saw this friend again and I was like-- what had I been thinking? What an idiot I was! She's AMAZING, and I was the idiot who was looking for someone who was... just not that into me.  (but that's the appeal, the "just not into me" part, since obviously I'm not really "into me" either, and so we have that in common.

I've realized this pattern has continued to this day and it's really dumb.  And so, I've vowed to change it.  There's a woman at work who has always been very friendly, and we've hung out in a group and she's asked me to get together a few times, but I've always blown her off.  Not because I don't like her, but because I wonder what we could possibly have in common.  I realize how short-sighted I've been and I've asked her to get together this week.  Who knows, this could be the start of something beautiful.

At the very least, it's made me re-evaluate myself, and that's always a good thing..

 

You and Me Against the World, Baby

The best part about marriage, in my humble opinion, is that I know it's Jedi and I against the world.

The world has been kind of a bitch lately.  Ok, not as much as it has been in the past-- I've definitely experienced worse.  But it's been bad lately - I feel stressed and overwhelmed because I'm doing 2 jobs and getting paid for one, and we're behind on bills, and we will never have enough money to move out of our 600sq ft apartment that has crazy NYC prices even though we live in the middle of nowhere. I'm also starting grad school in August and I'm worried about making the right choice and about taking out student loans... hell if I can't pay off my $5k of credit cards, what makes me think I can pay off $45k of student loans I might take on? So I'm worried about that.

And I'm just generally super depressed-- I'm feeling a bit like Mindy Kaling book cover these days:

Cause really? Are they? It kind of feels that way too. 

And Jedi, my amazing Jedi, is so kind and loving and thoughtful.  But I know he's stressed and depressed too. He's working 5 jobs (not an exaggeration) to try and make ends meet, as well as going to school part time.  It's not good for him-- even if he loved those jobs. But his main job, he hates-- (And his boss is a crazy person who nearly drove Jedi to quit today.)

And so I just wonder... will there ever be a point when we're not stressed about money? about space? about jobs? about school? ... cause I feel like I've been stressed about that forever, and I'm just at my breaking point.

My therapist upped my sessions to 2-3 days a week, which is good, but I hate having to do it. 

So, it feels like the world is crumbling around me, which is half-true, and half-in my head. (But as Dumbledore would say, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why should that mean that it's not real?"

But in the midst of all this, I have Jedi. And he has me. And we have each other.  And I ask him to tell me that everything will be okay, and he does. And he asks me to tell him the same thing, and I do.

Hate the new blogger

Sorry... For those of you still with me out there... I know things are wonky. Damn new blogger layout. I will try to fix in the next few days, but I'm on an iPad now.

Wait a minute...

Me, doing laundry : I'm sorry I'm not one of those good wives who irons and starches. Jedi: Me too. Me: wait a minute... Hey! Jedi, shrugs: Just being honest.