Nervous

Have I mentioned I'm nervous to have Jedi come to Thanksgiving?

I'm all... "What the hell was I thinking? Why did I think this was a good idea!?"

Not because I don't think it will go well. Not because I think he'll embarrass me in front of my family... or worse, that they'll embarrass me...

But... well... because I'm not really sure how I feel about where this is going. I don't know where this is going. The greater part of me feels like this still isn't going anywhere--- and if that's the case, then why would I introduce him to family? On the other hand, this is the most serious I've been with someone in over 10 years.... so, well, maybe this is long overdue, eh?

Over the river & through the woods to Grandmother's house we go...

EEEK.

Jedi is coming to Thanksgiving.

This may not be a big deal to some people... but it's a big deal to me.

I always told my family I'd never introduce them to anyone unless it was serious... (because they're seriously nosy).

And I'm not sure if this is serious.

But I like him. And he wants to come. And I want him to meet my grandma.

I'm still really nervous though...

First Reactions

This was supposed to be a productive paper-writing weekend. I have 30 pages due by the end of Thanksgiving break and I wanted to be able to enjoy the time with my family, so I planned on getting the bulk of the paper done this weekend.

Um, I got exactly ZERO pages written. Mmm Hmmm. Didn't even start the research. Didn't crack a book.

Jedi spent every single day at my place this weekend-- and not only didn't I mind, I wanted him there. Weird, I know.

I don't know if I can explain to you how sweet he is... (Though, I think it was Npapaya who said to me, "His behaviour isn't unusual... it's just unusual to YOU.) I don't know if that's true or not. I do know that I've never asked him to change the litter box (and my pet HATES him with a passion. Poor Jedi!)... he just does it before I wake up in the mornings. He grabs the garbage when he's on the way out the door. He is sick today, but he (rather ridiculously) got up to do the dishes before I realized what he was up to. ... all this, and more, and he tells me constantly how wonderful he thinks I am.

But, it was a little incident on Saturday that truly made me appreciate him.

We ended up at his parents' house for dinner. It wasn't planned, but we were picking up a pizza before a movie, and his house is closest to the movie theater. Additionally, his 15 year old sister wanted to see the movie as well, so we offered to bring her and a friend, and his parents asked us to pick up pizza for them as well.

Dinner went well. It wasn't the first time I'd met his parents, but it was the first time we'd really sat down and had a conversation. I do like his parents a lot actually, and his sister is very nice too.

After the movie we dropped the girls off. I'd left my car at the house and we'd only taken one care to the theater.

Well, it was dark, and the street is poorly lit. I started making my way down the driveway... not realizing that on either side of the driveway is a retaining wall (about 2-3 feet high.) I backed down the driveway a little off-kilter..... and ended up going half-way over the retaining wall and getting my car stuck. In fact, it was teetering.

EEEEK!

I was SO embarrassed! His parents were already in their pjs and came out to see what had happened. Thank goodness I have AAA... this is the 3rd time this year I've had to get towed! (Um.... yeah... perhaps best not to mention that!)

All's well that ends well though... Doesn't seem to be any damage to my car (or to their wall!) The tow truck came within 20 minutes.

I later recounted this story to my mom, and she had one question-- "How did Jedi react?"

And that IS the important question.

Perhaps to some people it wouldn't be an issue of concern... but perhaps most people haven't had my experiences with angry, volatile, controlling men. (None that I've dated-- all in my family. Which is the reason I'm so careful when I'm dating.)

When he heard my car go over the edge (great big CREAKING sound), Jedi jumped out of his car and ran to me. The first words out of his mouth were, "Are you ok??!?" Interestingly enough, those were also the first words out of his parents' mouths. Also, his mother seemed to take the blame by adding, "This driveway is so poorly marked! Tomorrow we're going to home depot to get this fixed! We'll put reflectors along the side... get the wall filled in some more... etc."

My mom was taken aback by that reaction. So was I.

The "normal" (at least, MY normal in growing up,) reaction? "What the hell were you thinking? How could you have been so stupid? Why didn't you turn around at the top of the driveway? Do you know how much money this is going to cost to fix the wall/car/driveway etc. This is why women shouldn't drive..." And then, I could certainly expect to have this story trotted out on every other occasion my dad/grandpa/uncles/mom's boyfriends would be displeased as evidence of my general idiocy and irresponsibility.

I thanked Jedi for not screaming at me when that happened. He was genuinely bewildered. "Who would do something like that?"

Indeed. Who would do something like that...


Again, as Npapaya pointed out, "His behaviour isn't unusual... it's just unusual to YOU."

Flowers & other not-so-sentimental stuff

Jedi brought me flowers at work yesterday, which was sweet. I appreciate it, I do. I make a point of telling him how much I appreciate it (mostly so he'll keep it up!). I'm even no longer cringing when I refer to him as my boyfriend. I even (gulp) let him put some pictures of us on facebook and I let him tag me in them! (As a side note, he looks smoking hot in the pictures... too bad this is an anonymous blog! ha ha!) That's kind of a big deal... (Though, I haven't changed my relationship status and I'm not likely to, since it's nobody's business... (and always leads to much awkwardness when the status is changed back. ha ha!))

So... yeah. I'm getting more settled into this relationship thing. I even suggested plans for New Year's eve... (to which he replied, "Oh? Are you planning on keeping me around 'til then?" He's learning quickly, that Jedi... ha. He's getting used to my sense of humor, I think.)

One thing that is a little awkward is that since he's basically spent about 5 nights in the last 2 months back at his parent's place, they're no longer charging him for food...

To which I lightheartedly replied-- but-not-so-jokingly-- Oh, you can help me with the groceries then.

He agreed. He also, very thoughtfully, and of his own idea, offered to pay for 1/2 of my birth control. (It's the nuva-ring which is $30/month... CRAZY.) I appreciated that a lot.

However. Cash has yet to appear.

And it's kind of totally awkward to bring that up.

But it kinda pisses me off when he talks about how little money he has (Ok, he makes very little, but he actually has a TON more in savings than I do because he has NO expenses other than a car payment and tuition. I pay tuition, PLUS all of those bills and more. grrr.) So, I'm at a negative balance, if you count the credit cards, and he's at a +++ balance. And he tells me how little money he has, and then he buys himself a new DVD seemingly every few days.

Now, mind you, I would never begrudge someone their toys. Heaven knows I have my own. And it's his money. Even if we were serious I would want him to have "his" money (and I would have mine, and there would be a joint account.)

However... what do I do? Just present him with a bill? Say, "Your total is $52.44, please pay by the end of the week?"

Ugh.

*************

And on a totally unrelated topic, can I just say how much I hate stupid people? Especially the ones I work with? Especially today????

I just feel I need to get that off my chest...

Crossing Boundaries

I've mentioned before that Jedi likes to be with me 24/7... Which is overwhelming. He constantly tells me how happy I make him. I also find this overwhelming. I can't be responsible for his happiness! I am barely able to be responsible for myself!!!

I mentioned that he conveniently "forgets" stuff at my house so he has an excuse to come over. (And I'm a sucker because I once he's there I totally want to make-out-n-stuff and so I totally let him stay.)

I put my foot down for the past few days though and made if very clear-- NO COMING OVER! Absolutely NOT! Nuh-uh! NO WAY! (And, that we're TOTALLY going back to the system of "days of the week"... so, he'll get Wed & Fri, and MAYBE another day during the week.)

And he's been good about it...

Except...

That he's shown up at my office both of those days with rather flimsy excuses. (Ok, one day wasn't an excuse. He was having a tough day at work and needed some TLC.) In both cases he didn't actually enter my office, and he only stayed 2-5minutes. (Part of his job requires him to make deliveries and his route takes him past my office.)

I feel like he's pushing boundaries... but... not to the point where I need to do anything about it (yet.)

On the other hand, as I said, I find it overwhelming that he needs to be in contact with me so much. It makes me uncomfortable to be so vital to someone's perceived well-being.

We had a long talk about this the other night, (in which I totally hurt his feelings, but it couldn't be helped.) I know it makes him feel rejected that I don't feel the need to be by his side all the time, or texting, or calling, or otherwise thinking about him.

But, that's not going to change. Heaven help me if I ever feel my happiness is totally dependent on one person! That, to me, is the mark of a totally unhealthy relationship. I told him, also, that one of the other big issues I have is that I feel that before I could get serious about him, he'd need to have lived on his own for a couple of years.

Not because I feel like he needs to be a 'grown-up' and have enough $$ to have a place of his own (Though, well, there is THAT. But that's not the primary reason!) It's because so much PERSONAL GROWTH happens when someone is living on their own! I would not be who I was meant to be if I had gone straight from my parent's house to my (hypothetical) husband's house. I know there are people who do it- (different strokes and all that)- but it doesn't seem like a good idea to me. So, even setting aside the issue of me needing my SPACE, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of letting him move in with me for personal growth reasons.

That bothered him too.

He said something about "...when you let me move in with you..." (I forget the exact phrasing)... And I recoiled and said something like, "Nightmare scenario!"

He replied saying, "I was only kidding! You were supposed to laugh!"

I said, "That's not a funny joke."

He said, "Why are your jokes funny and not mine?" *

*(Side note: I'm constantly making cracks about how I can't hang out with him because I'm going out with my "other boyfriend." He knows I'm not seeing anyone else, but he doesn't find these jokes funny. Npapaya and I find them HILARIOUS.)

I replied, "My jokes are funny because they're preposterous. Your joke is not funny because if I ACTUALLY said, "I want you to move in with me," you would reply, "give me 20 minutes to pack up my stuff and I'll be right back," wouldn't you?"

He buried his head in his pillow and nodded.

*sigh*

I did give him a drawer.



*** Other side note: I should also add that it's not bad to some extent that he's pushing me. I tend to be very laissez-faire about relationships. Science guy and I "went out" for 8 months with about 8 dates and only a little hand-holding throughout that entire time period. If Jedi wasn't constantly saying "When can I next see you?" I'd probably be content with seeing him once every couple of weeks or so.

Michelle Obama's Dating Advice

Best Dating Advice Ever From Michelle Obama

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as
a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Don't look at the
bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the
guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with
children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When
you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less
than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship
with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.
And if you're in that relationship and you're dating, then my advice is,
don't get married. [original source: Glamour]

Familiarity Breeds Contempt?

Ok, ok I admit it. I was probably just in a grumpy mood in general last night... (I had a lovely conversation with my mother in which she informed me that if Jedi was saying he liked me and thought I was beautiful then he was obviously lying and wanted something from me. *sigh* Yes, I realize these are her OWN issues and that she's projecting, but it's hard to disassociate sometimes.)

So, I was in a grumpy mood about that.... and... also... my own idiocy.

You see, I said the "L" word. And it wasn't "Like." And it just kind of slipped out. (No lectures, please!)

I mean, on the one hand I do love him.... in that way that I love all my really good friends. I even lust after him. I don't think I ***LOVE*** him in the romantic sense (of happily-ever after & fairies & magic) way that I think HE means it when he says the "L" word.

Sooooo.... Ahem. I guess it would be kind of awkward to take it back, huh? Ahem. This morning when he said, "I love you," and I responded with "Thanks," I think he was kinda dismayed.

Yeah. So. Um. Not quite sure what to do about that.

I really needed to be alone last night but he came over because he'd forgotten something at my house. And as seems to happen, when he stops over I let him STAY over because I'm totally a sucker. (And oh, did I mention I lust after him?)

But I was grumpy. He wanted to have a deep and meaningful talk... (um, while we were getting busy...) and I nearly kicked him out he was being so annoying.

I think I just need alone time for the next few days.

Hypochondria?

I know I tend to be a bit melodramatic when it comes to illnesses, real or perceived... however, I spent last weekend in very close proximity to someone who has been diagnosed with H1N1. (Work colleague.) There are umpty-million cases at my place of employment at the moment, so it was bound to happen, but I've been feeling run-down, achy, stuffy, sore-throaty since then. I also read that another symptom of swine flu is nausea, and since I totally felt like I was going to throw up all last night I'm even more paranoid.

I mean, if I have it there's nothing much to be done, eh? Rest, and liquids and all that...

Jedi came over last night (before I was feeling so sick), and he insisted on staying after I started feeling really terrible. And that's really what this post is about-- his attentiveness. When I'm sick I go back and forth between wanting someone to take care of me and wanting to crawl into a cave alone like a wounded animal. But he stayed and brought me liquids and tucked me in. It was appreciated. Unexpected, unasked for, but appreciated. Though... I don't know that I would do the same for him. Terrible, eh? I guess I'm not saying I wouldn't but at the same time I certainly wouldn't get too close to someone who may have swine flu.

Though, as he pointed out, if I'm sick with it he's surely already been exposed.

I guess. I'm still not that selfless. I would have hightailed it out of there.

But he's kind of special... In all senses of that word. Ha.

What's in a Name?

When I started calling Mr.2young "Mr.2young" it was both because I felt he was too young for me and because, well, let's face it, I didn't think he'd last very long. (Track records and all that, eh?)

However I no longer think he's too young for me (there are other issues, but that's not really one of them anymore.) I also know that he hates it when I joke about his extreme youth and my cougarish ways.

So, well, since he's going to be sticking around for awhile I kind of feel like he needs to be christened with a new moniker and I finally feel like I've got one.

Jedi. Yes, let's call him Jedi.

Why? Well, let's just say that he's an uber-geek.

Let's also say that when I was looking for a Halloween costume and someone suggested I be Princess Leia (because I've got very long hair that can easily be made into ear-buns!) I knew who to go to for the rest of my costume.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: I bet you have a light saber, don't you?

Jedi: What would make you think that?!

Me: You do, don't you?

Jedi: I don't know what you're talking about!

Me: How many do you own?

Jedi: Three.

Ha ha! Jedi it is!

(For ease of browsing through the archives I'll lable the previous posts with "Jedi" as well.)

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I have a thing about pillows. If my neck is not at the *perfect* angle when I'm sleeping I end up getting a headache in the morning. I need a pillow that's soft, yet firm, and is not very filled. No big fluffy pillows for me!

I have an old pillow that I've used for years that is kind of on its last legs. It's just not firm enough to support my head anymore but it's been too difficult to find a new pillow that does what I need it to do, so I've kept it.

Apparently Mr.2young has his own pillow issues because a few weeks after spending the nights at my place he asked if it would be ok if he brought his own pillow. Of course, I said.

Woweee, what a pillow! It's perfect! Does everything that I need it to do. He forgot it at my place a few times and I ended up using it. I got a very restful night's sleep.

I asked him where he got the pillow, and when we went shopping on Monday we stopped by Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I bought myself the same pillow.

Except that it wasn't. It was close... but not quite. Perhaps it needs to be broken in more? I'm not sure. Whatever the case, it's just a little *too* firm for me, but it's better than the older one I had so I was still going to use it. I slept on it a few nights, but in the morning, after Mr.2young would leave for work (he leaves earlier than I do,) I would move over to his pillow.

Well, he noticed.

And last night when I went to bed I found that he had exchanged pillows with me so that I could use his through the night. Even though he is very fond of that pillow himself... "It's more important to me that you're comfortable," he said.

Woweee, what a nice guy! It's those little thoughtful things that he does that really make me think he's got long(er)-term potential than I had originally thought.

Another thoughtful thing? My grandparents are moving next month. I'm really rather upset about this since they're moving into a senior residence facility. It was a last-minute, quick decision.

Mr.2young? He hasn't met them... But he's offered to help them move. This isn't an insincere offer either, I know. He's repeated it 3 or 4 times.

I'm very touched.

The best laid plans

I worked a lot of events for my office over the weekend so I took Monday off. Mr.2young had also asked for Monday off several months ago (before he knew me... perhaps anticipating Halloween revelries?)

On Saturday night though I ended up staying at a fancy-schmancy hotel (ok. Expensive is the better word because it's one of those 'quaint' hotels that looks like your grandmother's house,) for work. I invited Mr.2young to spend the night, which was a last minute thing. I was hesitant to do so-- I like to keep my worlds separate and I'd already seen him a fair bit that week.

Oh! Side note! Have I mentioned that I've put him on a schedule? I've set aside Wednesdays and Fridays for him (with perhaps a free day here and there...)... I really felt I had to do this for my own sanity. I need a lot of alone time to be mentally healthy and if he had his way he'd be with me 24/7. I always feel bad turning him down so I thought it would just be easier if we had set days -- thereby solving 2 problems-- he doesn't have to ask when he can see me next and I don't have to feel bad for telling him I'm not up for seeing him that night. (Is that weird? Npapaya thinks that's weird...)

But, we had a good time at the hotel, and then he came over and spent the night on Sunday. On Monday we had a great day (well, we would have stayed in all day if I'd had my way...) but he wanted to get out and DO something. So, we went to the outlet stores and went shopping and then went out to a nice dinner. He was very patient throughout the day as I tried on about a million different clothes (I pointed out that he could go to the gaming store next door, but he insisted on staying with me.

The drive home was sweet. It was, I don't know-- just the first time that I kind of started feeling like maybe I'm really falling for him, you know? I don't WANT to... I don't intend to... I still feel like this can only end with hurt feelings... but he's really growing on me.

On Monday night it was a bit AWKWARD though! He had forgotten some things he needed at his house (and by "his" house I mean his parent's house if you'll recall.) So we swung by there, and of course his mom and sister were in their pjs since it was 10pm(and his dad was sick!). I volunteered to stay in the car but that would have been a bit awkward too since I do know his mom. It ended up being fine, but I do find the whole situation rather weird... maybe it's just the fact that they know he's picking up stuff and then "sleeping" over at my house??? I find that uncomfortable.

Then, last night (no, not one of our agreed upon nights... I guess I'm not doing very well with that, huh?) I just really wanted to see him. I was tired and he had late classes, so I went to bed and left the door unlocked for him.

It felt... shockingly normal. I think last night was the first night I had him sleep over where I didn't feel resentful that there was someone else in my bed. (Don't get me wrong. I like having him sleep over, but in the middle of the night I usually wake up and find myself annoyed that he's hogging the space or the covers or something.) Last night just felt right.

I think that I'm maybe, quite possibly, rather smitten.

Oh, crap.