In Sickness and in Health

I had surgery two weeks ago, and even though it was billed as an out-patient procedure with an easy recovery it was, hands down, the most painful experience of my life. The worst part was getting my tonsils removed (which, on message boards I've now looked at, is often declared to be worse than childbirth. I'll let you know in 5-10 years if that is in fact the case, but I believe it.) It was an elective procedure, and I now wonder if I was out of my cotton-pickin' mind to do it.

*sigh* oh well. I'm just now starting to feel somewhat human again and as though death WOULDN'T be preferable. This means I've started to read some work emails.... Ugh. Big mistake. I now feel again that death would be preferable... Ha ha... ok, I'm just kidding.

I feel ungrateful complaining about work since about 40 people got laid off yesterday. I could very well have been one of them. (Well, more layoffs coming in a few months too... I could be one of them then...) I had a knot in the pit of my stomach about it. I want to leave my job, but I want to leave on my own terms, yanno?

I don't think my boss(es) are particularly out to get ME or that they're evil, or anything... I just feel like they only see my mistakes and never any of my successes... which makes me nervous, which makes me more prone to making mistakes... rinse and repeat ad nauseum. They're less of the "carrot" variety of management, and more of the "whip" variety of management. That's hard to take after having had some GREAT bosses in the past. I think I'm also resentful of the slings and arrows of fortune that led me to being in this job that I didn't actively seek out. I'm also discouraged because I didn't think I'd be there that long, but although I've been looking elsewhere, nothing is panning out.

*sigh*... I know this isn't forever. I know this too will end... but right now it feels like an ETERNITY in purgatory.

But, I'm digressing from the primary topic of the blog which is dating... and that means talking about Jedi.

Jedi has been FANTASTIC in taking care of me. He's been at my side as much as possible, he's been running errands, he's been cleaning... he's been emptying my puke bucket. Yes, you read that correctly. Is there anything that says LOVE more than that? I don't think so... be still my heart.
Not only that, but he did it without being asked-- which is the same way he does everything. He sees it needs to be done, and he does it.

Even though I hadn't showered in 2 weeks, and I was stinky, and pukey, and disgusting, and crying because everything hurt so much, Jedi never stopped telling me that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met, and that he's lucky to be with me. (Fool!)

but... but... but... on the other hand...

Jedi sometimes drives me NUTS. He's a sensitive guy, I get that. I LOVE that about him. But there are times I just want him to be MANLY, yanno, and take-charge in situations. When I'm sick, that would be one of those times.

There was a point when I was in so much pain I was in tears and holding his hand... and he started crying too. I admit, that threw me. I didn't want EMPATHY! I wanted him to say, "You'll get through this, you're strong, you're tough. I'm right here, lean on me..." kind of stuff. Not, "I don't know what to do, I wish I could take the pain from you."

Ok, ok... that's a bit nit-picky and unfair, I recognize that.

In another instance, I was bleeding excessively at 5 am. I was bleeding from my nose and throat and choking on my blood, and really certain I was going to die, there was that much blood. I was screaming at Jedi to find the number to the Doctor's after hour line, or the Hospital number (all of which were on the discharge papers), and he kept bringing me random papers like the Codine prescription instructions... I finally was screaming, "Call 911,"...

The bleeding finally stopped. All's well that ends well... but... it's in instances like that where I'd wish he was more with-it, more "take charge."

However, I also recognize that would mean he's more "take-charge" in non-emergency situations, and that probably wouldn't suit my personality at all. I know I'm taking on the more stereotypically masculine role in this relationship-- being the one who is "in-charge" and emotionally aloof and indecisive, while Jedi is content to follow my lead and is completely open emotionally. It works for us though....

All in all, I know I'm pretty lucky where he's concerned. After these past few weeks, I certainly know he's a keeper. Anyone who can deal with me at my worst, deserves me at my best (to paraphrase Marilyn Monroe.)