Folie a Deux

It was a rough business trip. I was COMPLETELY on the other side of the country, and the night before the morning I was supposed to catch a plane at 6am I came down with... the stomach flu.

Ewww. Gross, right? Not much worse than having the stomach flu (and... um... other manner of gastrointestinal distress... we'll leave it at that...) while travelling.

I ended up staying over an extra day... still not feeling so hot, but about 80% ok... and I caught the red-eye back the next day. Did I mention I live in the middle of NOWHERE? After this delightful 6 hour flight (+3 for waiting at the hospital) I would then need to catch a 3 hour bus ride home... (and wait 2 hours at the airport for the next bus to arrive.)
Ugh. Not exactly a dream trip, huh?

Well, Jedi was the exemplary boyfriend that he is and he volunteered to pick me up from the airport... even though this meant getting up at 4am and driving 6 hours round trip to come and get me. What a guy, huh?

You know, for some reason (probably deep-seated childhood issues) the airport "test" is a biggie for me. I've dated guys who would have said, "Suck it up. Get the bus." On some level, I wouldn't even be able to blame them... (SIX HOURS ROUND TRIP. Sheesh. *I* wouldn't volunteer to pick MYSELF up.) But with Jedi, there was no hesitation. He just said, "I'm coming to get you."

Be still my heart.

I missed him while I was gone. I missed him a lot.

Some of this was due in part to the fact that I was sick, I know. I wanted someone to take care of me and I knew he would do it willingly.

And so... perhaps I demonstrated my ardor and affection a bit too enthusiastically when I got home. I got a bit carried away... Saying things like, "I can't imagine being without you..." "Can you just hold me forever..." (Yes, I'm gagging just typing that. Please excuse me, I had a fever. That's my excuse.)

And so, I went along a little further than I otherwise would have in his, "I really want to marry you," fantasy.

"Sure," I said, "I want to marry you too."

And I do... in the theoretical sense. In the, I'm so infatuated at the moment I want to spend every second with you sense.

I KNOW that this is complete NONsense. Well, and that it certainly doesn't help to feed his clingy nature, and given his history of rushing into relationships it doesn't help to add fuel to those white-picket fantasies.

But I recognize my part, I do. I meant it when I said those things... I just didn't mean, "I want to marry you tomorrow."

But I should have known better. Because he took it to mean, "I want to marry you tomorrow." And he started saying things like, "Show me pictures of a ring you would like," and "When should we tell our parents?"

Did I regain my senses? Did I say, "SLOW DOWN, YOUNG JEDI!!" No, I did not... I did the worst thing possible.

I showed him a picture of a ring.

{eeek ducking eeek} (Ok, I can totally hear Npapaya and Ramses screaming at the computer screen now, and I TOTALLY deserve it.)

On the other hand, when he started talking about wedding dates and making up invite lists {ducking again} I did tell him that I would only marry him once he graduated... Which should be in about 3 years.

So. That is my totally lame defense.

I admit, I got caught up in the fantasy myself. The truth is, I never really pictured myself as the "marrying kind." I always pictured myself as spinsterish forever, and while on one level I was ok with that, on another level I was pretty wistful at the idea that I'd never meet anyone who would love me enough to want to be with me forever... that I'd never go through those rites of passage other girls go through of getting rings, and picking out dresses... etc. Even as I completely DISDAIN all of those things, a small part of me wondered what it would be like to be one of those girls that things like that happen to.

And so I let it go too far... Mea Culpa.

We're going to have to have a conversation.

See, the thing is that for me, I don't really see engagements as binding. I see them as a higher commitment, sure, but still a "I'm testing out the merchandise phase" and a "I'm perfectly happy to be engaged for 3-6 years" phase. But Jedi? Nuh-uh. He sees it as a "Let's go to the courthouse tomorrow phase." (Um. And he totally said that this morning. He said, "Let's go to the courthouse tomorrow." You will be happy to know I had regained my senses in time to tell him NO. And that we still have a lot of issues to work through before we get to that stage.)

He texted me to see if I wanted to go ring shopping this week. I told him that since he's so poor, I can't in good conscience let him do that and that he should put away $25/month to save if he really wants to, and then we can revisit the idea when he has enough.

That should buy me about 2-3 years, I think...

(Oh... and adding even more to the Super Bad Girlfriending in this post? I gave him my stomach flu. Poor Jedi... :-(

Away!

Posting will be non-existent this week as I am away for work.

Whee!

Can you even SEE the line anymore?

Remember how I was just complaining about Jedi's ex, Cruddy, like... oh... 5 seconds ago?

She just stepped so far over the she wouldn't be able to SEE the line from where she is now.

So, after Jedi ignored Cruddy's texts this morning she took that as a sign to call him. Jedi answered the call (foolish, foolish man...!)...

---------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't there, but apparently the call went something like this:

Cruddy: It's not nice to ignore your friends...

Jedi:... um...

Cruddy: I've been thinking about you alot lately. Why didn't you answer my texts? It's because of your new girlfriend, isn't it?

Jedi:.... um....

Cruddy: I saw your new pictures on facebook. You looked really hot.

Jedi: ... um...

Cruddy: I saw the way you were looking at Hypatia in your pictures. I miss you looking at me that way. I hope one day you'll look at me that way again.

Jedi:...um... I'm with Hypatia...

Cruddy: I know. Do you think it will last forever? Will you invite me to the wedding? I probably won't be invited will I?

Jedi: ... Um... we're not getting married...

Cruddy: So would you invite me? I'm your friend, aren't I? You should invite your friends. You shouldn't ignore your friends.

Jedi: ... Um... I need to go...

Cruddy: I still want to be part of your life. I'll always love you. You're one of my best friends...

Jedi: ... Um... I have to pick up Hypatia. I need to go.

Cruddy: Call me back later!

----------------------------

Seriously!? WTF, right?

I mean, I'm not worried about Jedi cheating on me. He's shown me in more ways than one he's hopelessly devoted... But he's also a total pushover who hates confrontation.

I told him I didn't want to be one of "those" types of girlfriends-- the crazy, jealous, controlling types-- and so I wasn't going to tell him what to do-- but that he needed to do something because what she is doing is beyond inappropriate.

I told him that Cruddy is obviously NOT his "friend" because a real friend wouldn't be so disrespectful of his relationship and try to undermine it. She's (DUH DUH DUH!) using the "friendship" line as a way to stay connected in his life in the hopes that he'll eventually go back to her... (And become husband #7 presumably...).

I told him that he needed to point out to her how disingenuous she's being and call her on her bullshit by saying, "If you were really my friend you would respect my relationship. I can see that you're not at a place right now, based on what you've said, to be my friend. I think it's best that you're not in contact with me again until you can respect me and Hypatia."

He offered to go ahead and block her, but that would just give her more fodder for her delusions I think-- about how I'm being controling and keeping him from her because I'm insecure. It really needs to come from him and he needs to be direct about it... but knowing how he hates confrontation I don't know if that's going to happen. But he can't just keep ignoring her calls/texts the way he has been because it obviously just feeds her obsession.

Additionally, I told him that he needs to be SUPER clear with her because as a girl (with high-school level social skills) I know I would read his lack of directness as an invitation to continue contacting him... thinking to myself, his current girlfriend is temporary! He still has feelings for me (as evidenced by the fact that he didn't tell me to shove off!) I just need to bide my time!

Ugh. Yuck.

As a side note, Cruddy's 16 year old daughter just contacted Jedi on IM to tell him how hot he is in his new pictures.

GROSS.

That family has some issues they need to work out.

Heaving a Big Sigh

If you'll recall, Muckraker came out of the woodwork asking for a favor the other day.

Whatever-- It wasn't a big deal, so I did it.

He then commented on one of my newly posted pictures on facebook telling me that I looked hot.

Seriously??? (sigh) If he had done that at this time last year I would have been SQQQQUUUUEEEAAALLLIIINNGG with delight. Right now? (sigh) It's not anything I'm going to make a big deal about so I'm not going to respond (and, let's face it, it's always nice to get a compliment--whatever the source.) But wow am I not in the same place I was last year. Betcha y'all are relieved! (Esp. Npapaya!)

(And for those curious, yes, Jedi knows all about it.)

As for Jedi, his douchetastic ex Cruddy (the 35 year old with 6 ex husbands) is still texting him at all hours of the night (midnight, 1 am...) And at all hours of the morning... (6am... 6:30am...) She's also been commenting non-stop on his facebook page. (Yes, Jedi could block her on facebook... but frankly I don't care enough--she's just annoying, I'm not worried about him cheating, and this lets me keep tabs on her comments...)

Jedi says he hasn't been texting her/communicating, and I believe him.

Grrr... One night I contemplated texting her back and saying, "We're in the middle of having sex. Do ya mind?"

Not that it would HELP matters, of course...

Total Acceptance

One of the things I love the most about Jedi is his complete and total acceptance of me. It would be too far to say it's "unconditional" love, but so far I've not found any conditions on it.
(The only thing he seems to have trouble accepting is being apart from me which is, admittedly, effing annoying, but so far has not crept into stalker-controlling territory.)

There's nothing I can't say to him, he's totally fine with what I look like (even especially naked... which is something I never thought would happen), he doesn't ENJOY my bad moods or my depressive ones, but he's still there telling me I'm wonderful, and oh-btw-is there anything he can do for me... He overlooks my messes, he watches my trashy tv shows, he calms my fit of pique when I'm unable to string christmas lights...

All in all, I don't think I've ever met anyone who is as calm and mellow as he is. He is also, evidently, devoid of any personality disorders (even the small neurotic ones... and everyone has some of those! At least, everyone ELSE I know does...)

You'd think it would be easy accepting that kind of open love, admiration and affection... but it's not. It's really, really not. (because of my OWN neurotic tics... ha!) But the comfort he brings me has allowed me to be more open than I ever thought I could be with someone, and more myself than I ever thought I could be-- and it's still ok.

He likes me. He likes me just the way I am.

Depression

I haven't been REALLY depressed since I met Jedi. That means... since September basically.

That's probably some kind of record for me.

Yes, I've had moments of being sad, and angry, and so on...

But, "I can't get out of my bed in the morning, and life has no meaning, and I want to chuck it all, and the bottom of the ravine is looking mighty good right about now..." type of depression? Not really.

And it's something that I would get regularly about once a month or every couple of months.

I've been working on it with a therapist and it's helped...

And while I haven't had this type of depression while I've been with Jedi, I'm under no illusions that Jedi is the CAUSE of keeping my depression at bay-- Rather, he'd be a SYMPTOM of it.

But, it's coming back. I can feel it-- the general lethargy, the anxiety, a sense of malaise, a lack of meaning to my life and anything I do...

And during this time I just really, really, really want to be alone. Even if being with others would probably be healthier. All I want is to sleep and escape in books and maybe (just maybe) come out next summer.)

Space

I live in a 600 sq ft apartment. No, I do not live in Manhattan. In fact, I live in the middle of the woods which are located smack dab in the middle of nowhere.

I grew up sharing a similarly sized apartment with my mother and my sister for 15 years, sharing a bedroom with my sister. To get privacy, I would go sleep inside the closet, just so that I could have space with a door that closed.

After college, I swore I would never live with anyone again.

I've always taken Katharine Hepburn's quote to heart:

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”

It is, therefore, a feat of no small accomplishment, that Jedi has been staying with me since November and I'm only just NOW getting sick of him. It's a testament both to his likability and how much I've grown.

However, I know that some of my frustrations from last weekend have to do with not having enough distance from him. And yesterday, when he was gone all evening, it was blissful.

It's not that he DOES anything annoying when he's home with me, but then again, this is not really about him. I just need space to be alone with my thoughts and to not have to worry about anyone's feelings.... and well. Like I said-- it's not about DOING anything in particular, because he would be supportive and wouldn't keep me from doing anything I wanted to do. But, I worry about losing the independent part of myself.

Additionally, his need to be WITH me all the time is still overwhelming. Like a puppy, he'll follow me from room to room, or just stand in the doorway and watch me when I'm putting on makeup or reading or whatever. Not in a creepy way, but he just stands there with a goofy grin on his face, and I'm all, "Stop looking at me! I'm not that interesting!" The level of devotion and admiration, while flattering, gets to be oppressive. He really doesn't get that.

I took the advice of the interwebs and brought this up last night.

Like I said, he doesn't get it. I pointed out that surely he must get sick of me too at times-- His answer, "No. No, I never get sick of being with you." I told him I did not think this was normal. He insisted it was.

I knew he would take my need to be alone as a rejection, in spite of all my reassurances that it was about me and not him, and that NO, I wasn't trying to break up with him. It was dark, and he was trying to hide it, but I could tell he was crying.

I know if the positions were reversed I would surely feel rejected and hurt, so I don't blame him for that... but it does annoy me that we go through this EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell him I need some space. I haven't told him that since November so maybe he forgot (ha ha...). I don't think he gives me enough credit for the progress I've made.

I told him, "Hell, I just need some space to MISS you!" Sheesh. Haven't you heard of familiarity breeding contempt?

I know him well enough to know he's going to try to push the envelope and not REALLY give me space. I told him on Wednesday I want to be alone. "How many days?" he asked me. "I don't know." I answered.

His birthday is on Friday, so yes, I'll let him spend the night, but it will piss me off if he doesn't respect my need for space in the next few days.

I also have a trip for business coming up next week and I'll be gone 5 days. Hopefully that will help too.

The Cherry on Top

Oh, did I mention that my mother... My VERY conservative mother... now knows the Jedi & I are (for all intents and purposes basically) living together.

You can imagine she was thrilled.

------

And... I'm SOOOO looking forward to going back to my ever-increasingly stressful and unsatisfying job tomorrow.

Awesomeness all around.

Guess he's mad too...

Jedi went to bed without letting me know or even saying goodnight, which is unusual in the extreme.

Guess he's still mad too.

*sigh*

Being Grown Up

So, I'm still in a bad mood, but Jedi and I had a talk about my bad mood and the fact that I am frustrated with him and his apparent lack of motivation.

It was good, it was calm.

I wanted to yell, I restrained myself from sinking into unproductive venting and accusations-- e.g. "You're not motivated," "Why don't you shut up and DO something if you're so unhappy," etc and stuck to the more productive (and therapist approved) "I" statements... such as- "I get frustrated when I feel you're not making constructive choices. I care about you and want you to succeed, but I feel like you're getting in the way of your own success..." etc.

I'm still in a bad mood because I followed up this incident with Jedi with an argument with my mother which totally did devolve into yelling about how she's such a pain in the ass.

So I'm not always a grown-up... so sue me.

Excuse me now while I go and drown my sorrows in a cup of cocoa with marshmallows.

I'm about ready to kill him...

It's days like today when I think, "Damn. This is NEVER going to work out."

In some ways Jedi reminds me of my mother and sister in that they all have issues with learned helplessness.

Jedi has been complaining about his job since I've known him... yet he's never done JACK SHIT about it.
I've sent him job leads that he's never followed up on. I've sent him example cover letters that he's never used to revise his own. I've sent him example resumes that he's never used as examples.

It is SO frustrating.

This weekend I found a position that would be a great position for him. He's been doing menial work (which bothers me, yes it does, because I'm a classist snob, I admit it,) with no future. The position I found for him is a much better position in many respects-- not the least of which because it offers the possibility of advancement, whereas the job he's currently in is deadendsville.

He's currently in school, yes, but-- frankly, I have MAJOR doubts as to his ability to get a job in the field he's studying. It's not just because he doesn't seem to have much aptitude in those various subjects, but he also lacks motivation.

I, however, am not lacking in motivation-- I have enough for TWO people, dontcha know.

He would have been content to sit around and watch anime (yes, he's a total dork) all day long... but I nagged him (oh, yes, I did,) until he started working on his cover letter and resume.

However... as I mentioned, he is much like my mother and sister... in that it takes me a million years to teach them how to do something that would take me 5 minutes to do myself. And he was doing a totally shitty job on his cover letter and resume. (I'm sorry to say it, and it sounds totally harsh-- but it's the truth. TOTAL SHIT JOB.)

So, what did I do? *sigh* What I probably shouldn't have done-- I took over. Yes, I did. I rewrote his resume and wrote his cover letter from scratch. It took me an hour... if I'd left him to his own devices, it would be sometime next June before he'd be done... and let's face it, it would still be TOTAL SHIT.

Am I annoyed? Yes, yes I am. I suppose I should only be annoyed with myself, but he spent the time I was doing it moping over my shoulder, sighing loudly, and being all, "I don't know how to do this..." PISSED ME OFF.

Then, when it came time to apply online he couldn't figure out how to do that. He was whining-- (to himself, but really to me...) about how he couldn't figure it out-- but that's where I draw the line. He's a grown up, he can figure out how to apply for his own damned job!

I would feel guilty about rewriting everything if the job he's applying for required any writing skills (then it would totally be a lie because, frankly, he can't write worth SHIT,)... but if he can't figure out how to apply for the damned job... frankly, he doesn't deserve it, and I don't want to hear him complain about the one he has anymore.

Grr.

Does this sound harsh? Maybe... but I have a headache from dealing with him today and it was all I could do not to scream at him to just fucking DO IT already.

Also, I'm irrationally annoyed that when we were with my friends yesterday he was reading something aloud and came across a word he couldn't pronounce. He asked me for help saying, "I've never seen this word before."

The word was IMPECCABLE.

Seriously?

For Fuck's SAKE?

You've never seen/heard the word IMPECCABLE before?

AAAArrrrgggggghhhhhhhh......!!!!!!!

HEADMEETDESK

Maybe I'm overreacting, but right now I'm just SOOOOOO thinking we are not a match made in heaven!

Bad Mood

Jedi is in a bad mood and has been for a few days.

Now, when I say, "Bad Mood," Don't imagine other people's bad moods... (e.g. - Mine...) Which involve a lot of yelling and stomping around and banging doors. No, Jedi is such a mellow, nice guy that even in a bad mood it's pretty mild.

However...!

I've come to realize how dependent I've come to be on him being in a GOOD mood. When he's in a good mood he's affectionate and attentive and (ok-- this is going to make me sound like a selfish bitch, but he's also DOING stuff for me... Making me dinner, giving backrubs, doing dishes.... Yeah. He's pretty damn awesome...)

When he's in a bad mood he puts on his headphones and kind of checks out. (And stops paying attention to MMMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!)

It's actually kind of funny given how when I first started going out with Jedi his constant attentiveness was really irritating. All I wanted was free time and for him to stop being THERE all the time. GACK! What happened to me? I don't want to turn around and be the clingy one and be like, "Pay attention to me! Pay attention to me!" but that's how I feel.

BTW- Jedi is in a super bad mood because of his job (which is a bad sucky job (with good benefits.) and I'm in a super bad mood because of MY job which is, objectively, not a terrible job, but my boss is placing unreasonable expectations on me which is making it a terrible job. But damn- the benefits are good...)

So, there you have it... perhaps the only person who is NOT in a bad mood in my house at the moment is JoJo, my dog. (Actually, she's probably in a bad mood because Jedi displaced her in my bed. She is not very fond of him...)

Tonight Jedi & I are going to a party with some school friends. I'm hoping it goes well and let's us insert a little levity in our lives.

You're kidding me, right?

Muckraker is in touch, out of the blue, insisting that, No, he doesn't always contact me when he needs favors, but that yes, he does in fact need a favor this time.

He wants me to go pick up a prescription and mail it to him. (It would have been amusing if the prescription had been Viagra...)

Sucker that I am, I'll probably do it. (But believe you me, I'll be calling in favors as well in the next year or two...)

The Right Guy

Hello my faithful readers ... (however many of you are left after my inconsistent posting schedule...!) Work is KICKING my butt and I haven't even started on that thesis I hoped to have a first draft of by now. DAMN IT!

However, I am happy to report that Jedi and I are still doing remarkably well! (I say remarkably because I am a remarkably difficult person to deal with at times, yet he is unfailingly kind and patient with me.)

So... well, that's good! I can't believe we've made it 5 months... that's a record for both of us. And to think, I totally didn't want to waste my time with him at first... good thing I let him get under my skin. He said last night that he thinks he might be too "Nice." I have to say, this is TOTALLY true... But if he hadn't been so nice I wouldn't have kept not being able to find excuses to dump him. (Wow, that was a convoluted sentence-- but you get what I mean.)

We've had a few misunderstandings because he's so nice though-- Such as the time when I picked him up from work at 4:45. I was running late-- I thought his work got out at 4:30. So, I apologized... but he was all, "Are you ok? I thought you'd had an accident or something... " but didn't make a big deal about it AT ALL. I only found out a few days later that he gets out of work at 4pm... not 4:30 (never mind 4:45)... woops! (My cell was out that day, so he couldn't call to see where I was.) I would probably have been extremely annoyed with him, and I would have let him know it right then and there... But, well, he HATES confrontation.

While I appreciate that (having grown up in a household that is very confrontational) I'm working on getting him to express what he's ACTUALLY feeling as opposed to suppressing it.

In OTHER news... Over the break I had breakfast with Science Guy (remember him!?) We had a good time-- he is a nice guy, if a bit clueless oftentimes. He talked about his girlfriend and I talked about Jedi, and we talked about maybe double dating.

Science Guy said... "NO WAY! Jedi will make me look bad!"

True... True... True...

I had mentioned to him that Jedi got me a digital camera (and about a million other things!) for Christmas...

Science Guy started laughing and said, "Do you know what I got my girlfriend for Christmas? A Salt Shaker."

For REALZ. A SALT SHAKER.

I asked him, "Does she want one? Does she need one? Does she collect them? Is it an inside joke?"
His response, "No. We just had a dollar limit and it fit in the limit and I saw it in the store. I thought it was funny."

He was going to meet up with his girlfriend after our breakfast and give her the gift.

Hmmm.... I should probably touch base with him to see if he's STILL going out with her. HA HA HA....

I think I got the right guy.

Why Jedi is Perfect for Me...

Oh! I almost forgot to add.... I got Jedi this T-shirt for Christmas! And he WEARS it! In a totally non-ironic way! And he proudly says he's a feminist!

I once said I could never be with anyone who wasn't a card-carrying member of NOW ... Everyone always made fun of me saying that I may as well become a lesbian because I'd never find a guy who would be a member...

:-)

{{{SWOON}}}

A New Year

This picture is from my Chistmas trip to my grandparents' house. I have to go across on the ferry which is a scary proposition when icy water comes in massive waves over the side of the boat!

My Christmas didn't turn out as expected because I came down with... the flu. Damn it! At least it was a mild case, but I've been sick most of vacation. Jedi was supposed to go to his grandparents' place, but he was sick as well-- though his illness was this damned chronic condition that is totally ruining his life at the moment. I personally think he has Crohn's disease, but what the hell do I know? I'm not a doctor. The "real" doctors (I think most of them got their licenses from a cracker jacks box) have done a ton of tests and still can't find anything wrong with Jedi. Nevermind that he is in major pain and runs to the bathroom every five minutes... but beyond that, he's totally fine. Mmm hmmm....

Jedi got me a digital camera for Christmas (in addition to about a million other things!) and I've been using it! I took the picture above with it, and I <3 it!!! It's got a bunch of great functions, including video recording... I wish this blog wasn't anonymous so that I could share Jedi's goofy dance moves with you... but he's made me promise not to show that to ANYONE, let alone you guys.

Things are still going well... I don't know, we've settled into a very staid routine. I wonder if I'll get bored with it, but I'm a pretty simple girl. We hang out, watch movies, (play wii!), clean (well, HE cleans.... just one more reason I <3 him!), make dinner, and he indulges my real housewives addiction.

Oh, I should probably ALSO mention that his ex-girlfriend, Cruddy, has been texting him again!!! She wished him a Happy New Year's at midnight last night. I almost took the phone from him to write to her and tell her to stop! Anyone know how to block someone on an iphone? Jedi claims not to know how. I believe him, but I know it must be possible. He thinks you have to do it through the phone company and have to pay a fee. I don't know...

Anyhoo... a lazy day. I have to get back to my trash tv... the Kardashians are calling!