Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Space

I live in a 600 sq ft apartment. No, I do not live in Manhattan. In fact, I live in the middle of the woods which are located smack dab in the middle of nowhere.

I grew up sharing a similarly sized apartment with my mother and my sister for 15 years, sharing a bedroom with my sister. To get privacy, I would go sleep inside the closet, just so that I could have space with a door that closed.

After college, I swore I would never live with anyone again.

I've always taken Katharine Hepburn's quote to heart:

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.”


It is, therefore, a feat of no small accomplishment, that Jedi has been staying with me since November and I'm only just NOW getting sick of him. It's a testament both to his likability and how much I've grown.

However, I know that some of my frustrations from last weekend have to do with not having enough distance from him. And yesterday, when he was gone all evening, it was blissful.

It's not that he DOES anything annoying when he's home with me, but then again, this is not really about him. I just need space to be alone with my thoughts and to not have to worry about anyone's feelings.... and well. Like I said-- it's not about DOING anything in particular, because he would be supportive and wouldn't keep me from doing anything I wanted to do. But, I worry about losing the independent part of myself.

Additionally, his need to be WITH me all the time is still overwhelming. Like a puppy, he'll follow me from room to room, or just stand in the doorway and watch me when I'm putting on makeup or reading or whatever. Not in a creepy way, but he just stands there with a goofy grin on his face, and I'm all, "Stop looking at me! I'm not that interesting!" The level of devotion and admiration, while flattering, gets to be oppressive. He really doesn't get that.

I took the advice of the interwebs and brought this up last night.

Like I said, he doesn't get it. I pointed out that surely he must get sick of me too at times-- His answer, "No. No, I never get sick of being with you." I told him I did not think this was normal. He insisted it was.

I knew he would take my need to be alone as a rejection, in spite of all my reassurances that it was about me and not him, and that NO, I wasn't trying to break up with him. It was dark, and he was trying to hide it, but I could tell he was crying.

I know if the positions were reversed I would surely feel rejected and hurt, so I don't blame him for that... but it does annoy me that we go through this EVERY SINGLE TIME I tell him I need some space. I haven't told him that since November so maybe he forgot (ha ha...). I don't think he gives me enough credit for the progress I've made.

I told him, "Hell, I just need some space to MISS you!" Sheesh. Haven't you heard of familiarity breeding contempt?

I know him well enough to know he's going to try to push the envelope and not REALLY give me space. I told him on Wednesday I want to be alone. "How many days?" he asked me. "I don't know." I answered.

His birthday is on Friday, so yes, I'll let him spend the night, but it will piss me off if he doesn't respect my need for space in the next few days.

I also have a trip for business coming up next week and I'll be gone 5 days. Hopefully that will help too.

2 comments:

Jan @ Struck by Serendipity said...

ah, yes, there IS such thing as too much of a good thing!

Hypatia said...

:-) Yes, yes there is. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.