The problem.

Yes, Muckraker is the problem-- And a major reason why I can't focus my attentions on Science Guy.

I had hoped that the spring would be a time to exorcise Muckraker from my consciousness since he's away. And yet-- No! I keep getting news about him! (Damn you, facebook! Ok. Ok. I could hide his newsfeed, but it's rather sweet torture... and yes, I hate myself every time I click on his profile.)

I didn't expect to hear from him at all while he was away-- after all, he barely acknowledged my presence while he was here, so why on earth would he be in touch while he's gone? And yet, he has been. And we've been emailing back-and forth over the past few days.

And no-- it's not particularly personal or flirty or any indication of interest on his part-- I know that. Really I do. Yet the 5th grade girl inside me likes him so much that I can't help but go "Squeeeee!" when I see his message in my inbox. (Hm. that could be a metaphor for -- oh, forget it. nevermind.)

He asked me what I thought about something he'd written. And he asked if he could take a look at something I had written. I know neither of these things seems particularly meaningful, but my-ever hopeful self can't stop reading deeper meaning into it. Especially because this is out of character for him. And he really has no time to be doing this given his schedule at the moment. And he's showing an interest in something I've done.

I know I need to stop this... but this is part of the problem-- the unfiltered, unintentional, unbidden response when I hear from him, when I think of him. How do I stop what is completely unintentional to begin with?

As I told science guy this evening-- One of the reasons I love being with Science guy is that I always feel good about myself afterward. As for Muckraker? I always end up feeling unsure of myself afterward.

This is a problem. Not a world-altering, earth-shattering problem. Just a tiny, minuscule problem.

But to tell you the truth, I'm kind of sick of both of them right now. Science guy for his indecisiveness and ... well... Muckraker for his indecisiveness too, I guess.

I'm not content to sit around around and wait for either of them. I'm gonna keep doing what I do, and we'll see if anyone comes along for the ride. And if no one does? Well. That's ok too.

so sweet, so what's the problem?

Science Guy and I got together today -- the plan was to see a movie, and that was about it. We saw "I love you, Man" (Highly recommend it-- very funny...) and despite his protestations that we're "just friends" I noticed that he seemed to be taking up more than a little of my personal space during the movie... Arm rest hogging (so arms touched), whispering to me in a way so that his forehead touched mine, etc. Hmmm....

Afterwards we decided to run errands, stopping at several stores. (So exciting, I know. There's really nothing to do in our area. NOTHING.) I admit, part of me was testing his limits of endurance as I dragged him to buy a new curling iron, nail polish, and shoes. He was remarkably patient through it all, good-naturedly offering advice on all of it. WE then went grocery shopping (though not with the intention of having dinner-- I'd left my car at the movie theater, and he was supposed to have dropped me back at my car after the errands.) The entire afternoon was very couple-like, I have to say. We joked around, and it was rather fun doing these mundane things with someone else. Again, he was rather... familiar... at the grocery store, and I have to say that if I'd behaved with Npapaya or Supergirl in the way he was behaving with me, they would definitely have felt I was coming onto them.

We ended up back at his place because I was curious about the apartment (he's paying an outrageous sum for it, even by this area's standards,) and we put the groceries away. Again, there was something very 'couple' like about it, and he started to get rather ... handsy. Not in a bad way, but definitely not in a "we're just friends" kind of way. Just rubbing my back, grabbing my hand, etc. He asked if I'd like something to eat or drink-- I said no, thanks. (In spite of our grocery shopping, there wasn't really anything to eat in his place, if that makes any sense. And I really wasn't very hungry anyway...)

Rather abruptly he said-- ok, let's go out to dinner, my treat. I told him that really wasn't necessary as I wasn't hungry, but he insisted. We went to a nice spot nearby, and he got a bottle of wine, and once again started being rather flirty and handsy, which led to some awkward moments. Finally I pressed the issue of the "just friends" thing when we were talking about why he was so insistent on taking me out to dinner.

He said, "Can I be honest?

Me- "Of course."

Him- "I just couldn't trust myself alone with you. I find you very attractive."

Me- "You do realize that YOU are the one who wanted to be "just friends"?

Him- "I know, I know. It's because you're my best friend in this area and I worry that if something were to happen with us and it didn't work out, I would lose a friend."

Me- "Well, it's your choice. I'm open to being more than that."

Him- "I know. I just don't think it's a good idea. Aren't we more comfortable being friends?"

Me- "Yes, we're probably more comfortable, but like I said, I'm open to more."

After dinner, (Expensive. He paid. He kept getting annoyed that I kept thanking him for dinner, as he kept insisting that it was only natural...) he dropped me back at my car. He got out, gave me a hug.... I thought he might be moving in for a kiss, but it ended up on the cheek instead. I started to go, then he pulled me back to him-- held me for a good 30 seconds or so-- and said, "I'm really struggling with my resolve."

I pulled away and said-- "Ok then. Good luck with that. Remember, this was your choice!"

And... that was the end of the night.

On the one hand, I'm glad that Npapaya & supergirl were right (and I'm not crazy...), and I even understand Science Guy's reasoning. I *am* freer and more comfortable to be around when there's "no pressure." On the other hand-- there's not really "no pressure," is there? there's this constant underlying pressure.

Npapaya thinks I should just haul off and kiss him, and part of me wanted to. Another part of me didn't know how that would be received, and still another part of me felt guilty that I was not totally present with him.... because... my mind was on muckraker. (I know! I know! I know! but I'll explain why in the next post. )

I know that Science guy is fantastic-- really nice, thoughtful, and I found myself very attracted to him this evening. And yet... I feel like there's a depth of connection missing. Part of that is certainly me holding myself back, but I feel like he doesn't 'get' where I come from on a lot of stuff. Maybe that isn't important, or maybe it's something he'll learn-- but I recall someone else who loved me but never really 'got' me, and I just spent an inordinate amount of time frustrated with him.

I think science guy is right too in that I am more comfortable just being friends, and that there are traits & quirks that I can handle in friends that are a little harder to handle in a romantic partner. And so that's part of why I held back even though part of me wanted to kiss him. If i'd been drunker I totally would have kissed him.

Then again, I knew that. Which is why I only had one glass of wine at dinner.

No response IS a response

So, the guy I semi-stalked never responded to me. Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained-- so I'm not going to dwell on it. (That's the good thing about putting myself out there more often. What used to mortify me now no longer has the power to faze me one iota.)


On another note, Science guy called me late last night. He wanted to come over... (He's never been to my house before!) he'd just gotten off of work and wanted to chat. I didn't let him come over-- (I was already half asleep) so, we talked over the phone-- mostly about our mutual un-fulfilling love lives. (Hey, we're "just friends" now. That's what friends talk about, right? meh.)

I went out with a bunch of friends tonight, and I had fun with them. It was odd though-- the entire time I was out I was thinking of science guy and how I'd like to crawl into bed and cuddle with him.

This may be because he has indicated he no longer wants me.

Yes, I am contrary by nature. This is only one reason I'm single. Damn it!

Don't let your fears choose your destiny.

That line above is a random quote pulled off the interwebs, but it rather resonated with me. I know that I probably let my fears make my decisions too many times.

Well, as you know I was debating as to whether or not to contact eharmony dude (no nickname. Yet. ) though our internal company email system. (For those who didn't read the previous post, I don't subscribe to eharmony, but this guy seemed interesting. I could communicate or see his profile pics, but based on where he works I figured out who he is and got a hold of his company address.)

Nell stopped by my office today, as did Npapaya, and I was telling them this story. Nell asked me who it was... and... it turns out she knows him. Kinda. Turns out that one of her friends had dated him briefly (and was now really regretting having dumped him.) Nell had only met him a few times, but she said he was an absolute sweetheart, really kind, thoughtful, generous, etc. (So much so that her nearly-engaged friend is having second thoughts because she's still thinking about eharmony dude.)

Well. That's a pretty good reference! It was enough for me to contemplate outing my stalkerish self, and contacting him. Nell & Npapaya egged me on. (Well, Npapaya kinda did dictation. (it was much appreciated!) and I wrote him a short (but hopefully funny!) and sweet note, introducing myself, how I'd found him, and let him know that I found him interesting.

The ball is now in his court.

I sent that around 3:30... it's now almost 6pm. Nothing. Nada. Zip. He had to have gotten it.

*sigh*

oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I just hope I don't run into him in the street. Or the coffee shop. Or one of the 3 restaurants in town.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm probably going to back into his car tomorrow. What can I say. It's a small town.

Beautiful Girl

My friend Nell stopped by the office today. I hadn't seen her in awhile, but she was looking tanned and beautiful because she just got back from Puerto Rico. (Yes, I am jealous!)

We got to talking about this and that... (More about THAT in the next post)... And she said to me--

"You know, I've never been asked out once in my life."

I found this to be absolutely shocking.

Nell is gorgeous-- Blonde, blue-eyed, tall, slender,... Everything that society (& fashion magazines) tell me a woman should be!

And yet-- no one has ever asked her out.

Oh, she clarified that yes, she's hung out with guys on what turned out to be dates, or she asked guys out, etc. But no one had ever done that old-fashioned thing of "Hi. Would you like to go out with me sometime."

It's no wonder there are so many dating disasters out there! She's smart, funny, friendly, outgoing... ! If a girl like that can't get a guy to ask her out, what hope do I possibly have?

SHEESH!

Facebook stalking!

I'm back "on" eharmony, but I'm refusing to pay for it. So, I'm getting matched with people, but I haven' t found anyone I'd be willing to pay money to communicate with. Given how few people there are living in my area it's not really worth it. I see an interesting profile about once every 3 months.

Well, I guess this must be month 3. (Hey! It is! March=3! ok, that was lame, I know!) because I saw a profile that was interesting.

I can't see pictures since I'm not paying for this, but the guy listed his occupation & company. Well, it's my company, so I looked him up in our directory, found the department, found his last name, and then looked him up on facebook. It took me all of 2 minutes... not a whole lot of stalking involved! (And to all those people who think they're anonymous out there? You're not. Not really. (especially not in THIS tiny town!))

Guess what? He was pretty cute.

And now I have a dilemma. Do I contact him using my 'insider'-- ill-gotten email address? Or do I just send him a free 'wink' and hope he contacts me?

(Npapaya points out that he may be playing the same game I am, and thus can't see my picture, and so may never respond to my 'wink.')

I sent him the wink, but Npapaya got me thinking that maybe I should email him. But that's a little too stalkerish, isn't it??? I mean, wouldn't YOU be creeped out? (As a girl, I know I would DEFINITLY be skeeved out by a guy who contacted me that way. I wouldn't feel safe. Is that a terrible double standard? Or just the way of the world?)

So-- What would you do? Would you cop to the facebook stalking and contact him through the corporate directory? Or just wait until he answers (or not!) the 'wink'?

Wait, you told your MOTHER about me?

So, Npapay & Supergirl are convinced that Science Guy is still into me, but I have to take him at his word when he says he wants to be "just friends." (Even though he called me a "10" in terms of attractiveness this evening. And he wants to get together to see a movie this weekend...)

But. Ok. We'll be "just friends." That works.
(I'm actually having a rather lot of fun being 'just friends' with him. I am surprising myself.)

So, he's telling me that his mother is visiting in May, and that when I meet her I shouldn't mention where a certain store is because she'll want to go there.

I was all like-- "Well, chances are I'm not going to meet her anyways..."

His response? "Oh, no. You should meet her. She knows all about you."

Wait. What? WHAT?

I asked, "What have you told her?"

He said, "Everything."

I said, "So, she must think I'm a horrible bitch!"

He said, "No, I've told her you're fantastic! You've been a great friend to me."

Huh.

ok.

Huh.

Is this normal behaviour?

I have no clue.

Apparently, it's a Trend:

Why some other people are single!

"Lane says:

I'm alone because I can stand it and even sometimes like it, so I won't go out and beat the bushes for some nice enough fellow who votes Republican and belches so loud I jump, but who doesn't make me smile enough to put up with strange noises and smells.

She, like me, is alone because rather than find someone nice enough to keep from being alone, she'd rather hold out for special. Special doesn't walk by every day.

She also thinks she's alone because, at least to a degree, she's too used to being alone and not having to justify the weird shit you do when you're alone.

I'm alone because I 'm now used to getting up when I want and drinking from the juice bottles and not shaving my legs and leaving dishes from the night before on my bed and getting up at 3am and seeing a movie and going back to bed at 5am and not hearing a word of scorn.

I think she forgot "peeing with the bathroom door open."

She's alone because she isn't scared to be without someone because she has a life that makes her happy"

what's the point in life when you're single?

Every once in awhile I check the traffic on the blog. I know I'm not to the level of a lot of bloggers, but I seem to have some fairly regular readers (who aren't people I actually know!), and it helps to keep me going, I admit. Not because I think everyone is out there hanging on my every word, but that somehow what I'm saying must resonate with at least a few people. So, if anything, it helps me to feel a little less alone in this whole (stupid!) dating game.

Today though I got someone coming to the blog by typing in this search phrase:

whats the point in life when your single

Now, I don't actually know how they found my blog that way because I went through 7 pages of google results and my blog didn't come up. That tells me that whoever was asking this question was pretty determined to get an answer since they were intrepid enough to keep going after 7 pages. (I wasn't.)

It also worried me. Because that question? That type of question? Sounds like the question you ask when you don't think life is worth living any more.

And that's not ok. So-- whoever you are-- if you're still out there-- Yes, life IS still worth living when you're single.

Before I go on to address all the reasons WHY though, I'm also going to admit that I've been there. I know what it's like. (Trust me on this.)

I know this is a blog about dating, but there's a reason this blog is about dating. I don't have to be single. There have been numerous people in my life who wanted to keep dating me, but I was the one to break it off. There was at least one person in my life who would have married me, had I expressed an inclination to marry him. And yet, somehow--magically-- I'm single. Why is that?

It's because my life is pretty good as it is. So if I were to change it? It would have to be for someone pretty damn awesome. Not perfect. Not a millionaire. Not a model. But pretty damn awesome.

I've dated some pretty awesome guys. I'm still friends with most of those guys. Cause they were awesome. For one reason or another (ok, 3/4ths of the time because they were in the closet when we were dating), they weren't the "awesome" that was right for me.

Some people think I/you/women should settle for Mr. Good-Enough. Mr. Almost-Right. And some people do. And some people genuinely grow to love Mr. Almost-Right and have a wonderful life with him. I don't fault them for that. In some respects, I envy them. But I also know that Mr. Almost-Right is not "right" enough for me.

And that's because my life as a single person is pretty damn awesome. What makes it awesome?

In a word? Autonomy. I covet my Independence. Maybe that makes me very poor dating/marriage material, I don't know. I do know that even in a relationship though I need a lot of breathing room.

I don't have to check in with anyone when making decisions-- from small ones: What type of toothpaste should I get? To big ones: Should I buy this condo? (Answer- YES.)

How do I spend my money? It's mine to spend. How do I spend my time? It's mine to spend. How do I make decisions like - Should I move? Should I get a new job? Should I go to Africa or Europe on vacation?

Some people would feel lonely, or anxious making those decisions on their own. I admit that sometimes-- a very small percentage of the time-- I do too.

But 90% of the time? I feel exhilarated. I feel the sense of my own unlimited potential. I feel the freedom that 3/4ths of the women in this world do not feel. I am living what women for generations upon generations fought, and protested, and died for; what some women are still dying for.

And never, not for one minute of one day, do I take that privilege for granted.

I am living my life as I wish, how I wish, and for myself.

Some people (some people reading this blog even!) might say, "Good thing you're single, Bitch."

Yeah. Yeah it is.

I'm not saying I wouldn't want a partner in my life. I'm not saying I wouldn't accommodate, and welcome, a partner in my life. Quite the opposite. But at the same time, I know myself, and I know that I'm not going to welcome someone into my life who isn't a good fit. And that's why I keep searching, that's why I keep dating; not because I don't want to be single, or because I believe I "need" to be married to be complete or any such thing-- I love to be single!

But I keep dating because I do think that there is a someone out there for me. Someone who will find my quirks, and stubbornness, and big mouth endearing. And I'll find his quirks (and whatever else!) endearing. Yeah, that's the way this love thing works, I know. But I guess my point is that I have faith that if there is someone out there who is right for me, I'll meet him.

And if there's no one right for me? Then that's ok too. I'm right for myself.

I think I'd be a bit sad if I didn't ever marry-- perhaps spending time thinking back to "What might have been," (as I sometimes do with Mr. Almost-Right who would have married me.) But the alternative? Marrying someone who was kinda-but-not-quite-right? That would make me sadder. I know that to do so also wouldn't have been fair to Mr. Almost-Right. Because, you know what? I certainly wouldn't want to be anyone's Ms. Almost-Right. That's not a good feeling for anyone.

And so when I think back to Mr. Almost-Right, I know that I did the right thing in letting him go. Because while he was great, and I was great, we weren't great together. We weren't bad, we were even pretty good most of the time, but I also knew-- even way back then-- that we would stifle each other. That as much as he loved me, he didn't really get me. That family dynamics he hated in his childhood were being replayed with us... and he would surely have grown to be frustrated and hurt, and I would have felt caged in and want to hurt him. And I wouldn't have wanted that-- because I loved him.

Do I think I'll have a family? Yes, with or without someone. I would prefer with someone, and I know it's really hard without someone, but it's been done. There are many children in this world that need a home, and I'll be privileged to be able to provide one someday, I hope.

I keep looking, searching, and hoping to meet someone-- because I know there might be someone awesome and --like Goldilocks's porridge-- "just right" for me.

But in the meantime? My life has a point. I have my friends, my family, my dog, my education (which is taking up too much time at the moment), volunteering (when I have time to get back to doing it, once I'm done with my education!), the goal of doing work that makes a difference, my writing, my artwork, my travel. My point -- my goal-- is to not live an unlived life. There will be time in the future, hopefully, to be with someone. Even then I hope to live a life filled with all those things. In the meantime, why would I live my life as though it's frozen in time and I'm waiting for some prince to come along? Why wouldn't I take advantage of the single life I'm leading now? If ever I'm finally with someone, won't I then covet the single life?

Well, this has been excessively long to make a few rather simple point. Everyone wants what they don't have. Being single is awesome. Being with someone who brings out the best in you (and you bring out the best in that person) is awesome. Anything less? Is not for me. (But! YMMV. Not judging.)

We all go to those dark places, wondering what the point of life is when you're single... But an open secret, (I think) is that married/coupled/(with/without kids) people go to those dark places to. They just spend their time wishing they were single... JUST LIKE YOU.

So, first and foremost, enjoy the life you're living. It's the only one you've got. Make the most of it.

Why I don't troll for guys on craigslist...

(Well, not often anyway!)

Check out this fun list some smart girl has compiled!


?I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self? I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can?t see someone asking for a woman who doesn?t shower? Doesn?t buy clothing that fits? Doesn?t pay her bills? I?m confused.

?i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.? Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead?Jeez.

?I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.? Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends sh*t.

?I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges? Would 5 months be ok? I?m not sure if I?ll be able to tell if you?re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

?im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws? I dub this the ?no fatties? clause. Don?t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that.

Men who Explain Things

I got a profile response today that left me absolutely laughing (and not in a good way!)

I picked my online dating profile name for a reason, because the name has a historical significance, and there's a body of literature pertaining to the name. (It's not Hypatia, but that name has significance as well.) The way my profile name is set up is to DIRECTLY reference the historical context of the name. (For Example-not just "Hypatia" but Hypatia_of_Alexandria --Note, this is not the name I use, but you get the gist.) There's really no confusion as to what I'm referencing.

And yet... I got an email that was very pompous in tone from a man who obviously considered himself quite erudite, explaining to me--at length-- what that name meant, and the history behind it, and the literature behind it, etc. etc. etc.

Dude. No date for YOU.

Bwhahaha! Honestly, why do men do this? And I have found that this is a gendered trait. I think women just aren't brought up to be this bombastically sure of themselves in this society.

The entire letter reminded me of a great article I read awhile back. Go read it. It's great.


"...the out-and-out confrontational confidence of the totally ignorant is, in my experience, gendered.

Men explain things to me, and to other women, whether or not they know what they're talking about. Some men. Every woman knows what I mean. It's the presumption that makes it hard, at times, for any woman in any field; that keeps women from speaking up and from being heard when they dare; that crushes young women into silence by indicating, the way harassment on the street does, that this is not their world. It trains us in self-doubt and self-limitation just as it exercises men's unsupported overconfidence. "

A bird in the hand was worth 2 in the ... nevermind.

I had decided to give Science Guy another shot. He's been very sweet, and I realized I really needed to give him more of a chance. Also, in the time we've been "just friends" I've come to enjoy his company.

So, I invited him to get together this weekend. We go back and forth making plans... I kinda flirty. More flirty than usual perhaps. Hey, I'm gonna give this a shot, right?!

He sends me a message shortly afterward. It says: "Hey, I don't want this to be awkward, but I just wanted to confirm that we're just getting together as friends, right? That's all I'm looking for right now."

Oooo. Burn.

My Response: "of course!" (Yeah Right.)

Well, I can't blame him. I didn't expect him to wait around forever. I'm not hurt by it actually, and I'm not bothered by it really... other than the fact that this means back to the cruel world of online dating. It stings a little, but the truth is I was feeling so-so about him this entire time... and no one wants to be someone's second choice, right? So it's probably just as well.

But damn! 2 months ago I had good prospects, and now I'm back to square one. This sucks.

From the Mouth of Babes

I got together with some friends this week at what has been our "usual" once-weekly gathering at a local eatery. Muckraker was briefly back in town (as you may recall, he's gone until the summer,) and he went with a bunch of the guys to a different restaurant. All the girls ended up at our "usual" place, but the guys joined us briefly later in the evening.

Sitting with me was a girl I didn't know very well though we've had a few classes together-- We'll call her SJ. She's a young grad student-- 22-- (Most of us are closer to the 30 mark. Ouch.) When she saw the guys come in, and saw Muckraker coming to talk to us, she rolled her eyes at me, and whispered, "I can't stand him."

Curious, I asked her, "Why not?"

Well, she proceeded to recount what I've come to realize is his M.O. -- He comes on really strong, but really cold at the same time, he seems very calculated-- like he's up to something, like he's working an angle, he's rude and inconsiderate, etc. etc.
(I know, I know, given such charming traits, WHY am I so into him? Well, he has many admirable qualities as well... I'm still holding out for those. Even though I'm totally done with him... I know, I know. Sigh.)

So, yes, I can't dispute any of those things, and pretty much had to agree with her across the board. She also added something that was more than a little odd-- She stated that Muckraker had been meddling in her life in a really paternalistic way-- going to a guy she's been kind of seeing (who is an utter asshole), and telling him to stay away from SJ, that's she's too young and doesn't know what she's getting into.
Wow-- Massive levels of inappropriateness there. Yeah, she may be making a mistake (she totally is.) but it's her mistake to make. I've said my piece to SJ as well about the idiot she's sorta seeing/being used by, but I've said it TO her, and left it at that. If she wants to make a mistake, well-- it's her life. And 22 is not that young. (Besides, what's the point of being 22 if you can't make mistakes, right?)

I was very amused though that SJ totally pegged Muckraker... much earlier than I was able to. I don't dislike him, but I think I see him much more clearly now. (And yes, Npapaya & Meg Supergirl (She's insisting on being called Supergirl now) were able to see this shady behaviour much earlier than I was able to see it.)

So, that's that. He's gone now until June, so plenty of time to forget him... Right?

Oh. If only he wouldn't show up in all sorts of things... like ads from bookstores! And prominent displays in those stores! And in my newspaper! and on my tv!

Fuck.

Not Fate

I admit, I have an almost superstitious belief in Fate. (Yes, with a capital F.)
Logically I know there's really no "meant to be," but I keep hoping that I"ll somehow be the exception, that somehow I'll be the one to find a love that's transcendent and so completely "meant to be" that I'll laugh and say, "Can you believe I didn't used to believe?"

(Which is ridiculous, since the superstitious part of me DOES believe, obviously, so I can't say can you believe I didn't used to believe? Whatever. I can't say I'm logical.)

So why am I bringing this up?

Well, a long, long time ago, in a country far, far away (seriously, it was France.) I made my first foray into the world of online dating. I was on nerve.com personals, and while there weren't many people in my area (duh, cause I was in FRANCE), I did get contacted by someone who lived in NYC, because I'd mentioned I was from [Hometown state.]

Well, upon further talking it turned out we'd graduated from the same high school 4 years apart. We talked for several months, but as I was in Paris, and he was in NYC, this had the inevitable ending of ... well... nothing. One day he just stopped returning communications.

Since this was one of my first forays into the online world I was very disappointed, because even though it wasn't a "real" relationship, it was certainly one in which I'd naively invested a lot of psychic energy... all based on this ever-elusive idea of "Fate."

So why did this come to mind now? Well, because my "fake" email address at hotmail is now suggesting that I 'invite' people to do various things and it's pulling up addresses that I've sent messages to in the past. One of those email addresses? Was This guy's email address.

And, huh. I notice something I didn't realize before.... He has an alumni email address. From the school I'm currently attending. In fact, he's a '99. I happen to know a lot of '99s. Huh.

So what do I do? I look him up on facebook naturally. It turns out we have some "friends" in common... both from back in my homestate, and from the school I now attend.

And, oh yeah, he's married. (Good thing, or I might start to think there's something to this whole "Fate" thing after all.)

So it is in fact, Not Fate. Un-Fate? Non-Fate? Even though all these intersections of friends/life/etc would #1) make for a great story, #2) make things seem surely fated. But, they obviously are not.

So what have I learned? Not much, other than I guess I learned it's a small world after all...

Though I'm still a bit disgruntled with Fate lately.

So predictable...

I totally thought I wouldn't have to deal with any potential remaining conflicted feelings about Muckraker since he was supposed to be away from now until the summer. Plenty of time to get over him and to keep reminding myself what a schmuck he is, right???

Imagine my surprise when he showed up at an event/party this evening. He was, predictably (since he'd been such a schmuck the last time I saw him.) charming.

*sigh* I am not proud to say that my knees did get weak.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity, Fuck Fuck.

He asked me if he'd see me next week.
Fuck.
He asked me if I would do him a favor.
Fuuuuuuuucccckkkk.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity, Fuck Fuck.

Yes, of course I will.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity, Fuck Fuck.

I know this is a mistake.

FUCK.

I am so embarrassed for myself. Frailty, thy name is woman, indeed. Gawd. No lectures are necessary, I'm more than capable of telling myself what a fool I am. When I'm around him though I can't seem to think clearly. Damn it.

I strong in my resolve though-- I'm still done. Really. I swear. REALLY.

Keep going or give up?

I've had a few half-way ok responses on some of the free sites I'm on lately, but nothing overwhelming.

The guys themselves seemed ok, but they either lived too far away, or there was something else objectionable about them. (Yes, I'm picky, yes I know why I'm single. But, at this point in my life I don't really want to deal with other people's kids from a previous relationship, or similar things.)

Another friend was telling me how she met her husband on Eharmony, and so even though I had marginal luck with it last time (well, hell. I did meet Atlas & Science guy, and they certainly weren't bad, even if they may not be the ones for me), I was thinking about giving it another shot.

It's pricey though. And my head isn't totally in the game. I can't decide if it's worth it at the moment. I feel like you almost have to make dating your second job in order to make it work... and well, at the moment I'm doing (quick mental arithmetic) approximately 4 jobs at the moment, and still trying to find time for friends, working out, and relaxing.

On the other hand it would be nice to find someone to cuddle up on the couch with on those days when I'm feeling completely exhausted by the 4 jobs I'm doing.

$60 for 3 months. Worth it? Not worth it? I can't decide. Thoughts?

No, that was NOT a good joke.

HI and hello,how are you? you are a funny girl i like that. you have very pretty green
eyes. i love a good joke. i was just wondering what your age limit was, cuz otherwise i
should be contacting your mom right? lol! i didn't know how this plenty of fish works,
but i would like to leave you my contact number if i could. if you would like to talk, its
XXX-XXX-XXXX. i wold love to hear one of your good jokes! Oh and the dishes thing,
i got stuck doing that all my life, so i am use to that. o.k i have a joke. what dose a
pair of panty hose,and the Taliban have in common? they both bother bush!!! i hate
george bush,i wish that shoe would of nailed him in the mouth! anyways hope to hear
from you, and i hope that it was a good joke. take care!

Done! So, So, So, So, DONE!

Ok, so it's taken me awhile, (much longer, I admit, than it really ought to have!) to get to this point, but I realize I am DONE with muckraker..

Not a wishy-washy done, but a-- omifucking gawed, what could I ever have seen in him-- DONE.

Done, stick a fork in him, done.

Done, call the mortuary, done.

Done, (like I wish my final paper was,) DONE

SO FUCKING DONE!

What got me to this point (especially when even yesterday I was still kinda on the fence about him?)

There was a group dinner and then a formal this evening, which was very fun. Muckraker was there, but he was his usual sketchy self, and on top of that he was really quite rude-- interrupting his conversation with me whenever someone more interesting stopped by to chat. (yes, it's fine to include someone new in a conversation. It's fucking RUDE to turn your back on the person you were talking to and exclude them from the new conversation you're now having with someone who came up to join in the conversation!)

You'd think that would be enough for me to say, I'm done with this... but no... I stuck around for more conversation. As Muckraker saw this complete asshole walk by Muckraker asked me what I thought about him. Did I find him attractive?

Um. Hell to the NO. That dude is sketchy as as an etch-a-sketch and probably carrying a fair number of STDs as yet undiagnosed by modern medicine.

We then watched as a girl chased after the asshole... and we both knew those two had been hooking up for a time.

So Muckraker starts talking about how women always go for assholes and smooth talkers and what idiots women are... (I know, I know, right? At that point I was like- Wait. Am I being punked? You're talking about me, right? And my infatuation with you? And yes, apparently I'm an idiot.)

And then... the part where I almost laughed in his face... he starts talking about how much he hates those asshole guys because "Nice Guys®" (like him) never get the girl.

Ding ding ding ding ding! The bells are ringing! The lights are dawning! Muckraker identifies himself as a "Nice Guy®."

Freakin' A!

I get it now!

I understand!

Eureka!

The clouds have parted, the light is shining through!


If only he'd identified himself as a "Nice Guy®" at the beginning I would have known to stay miles, and miles, and miles away! All this time I was thinking he was a nice guy. You know, a guy who is actually nice. Not a "Nice Guy®"

So, What's the difference between a nice guy and a "Nice Guy®"?

Well, I'll let Divalion tell you, since she did such a great job of it:


There are two kinds of nice guys in the world. Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a spectrum of niceguyishness.

At one end, are the guys who are just pure and simple good guys, decent people, humanly flawed perhaps but nonetheless likable *and* lovable, caring and smart, who have a lot to offer. Ironically, these guys often do not realize just how wonderful they are and how much they are valued by the people around them, and sometimes they even suffer crippling shyness/low self-esteem. I am fortunate to know, and have known, and to be related to, an unusually high number of guys towards this end of the spectrum.

At the other end are the guys who identify as "nice guys", often quite loudly and defensively, and who believe themselves to be underappreciated martyrs; usually they don't understand why they never get the girl and have at least once in their lives bitterly uttered the phrase "Nice guys finish last" usually in reference to a female who isn't dating them. It is this latter group I shall be addressing.


They tend to befriend women in order to date them. Nice Guys don't usually just ask a woman out and at least make a pretext of friendship to use as a springboard. This is where they can get confused with actual nice guys, who tend to also befriend women before dating them, but the difference is that the genuine nice guy appreciates women as human beings and enters into friendships mostly for their own sake rather than working them as an angle. The Nice Guy, on the other hand, sees women mostly in sexual terms (although he will deny it or call it "romantic terms") but doesn't have a lot of success with the direct approach, so instead he puts on a charming, harmless face in order to befriend women with the expectation that she will reward his niceness and friendship with sex. It can be a subtle difference, but there are clues-- the Nice Guy tends to come on pretty strong as a friend, and often makes "joking" sexual comments that can be dismissed as not intended seriously if the woman doesn't respond to the come-on implied in it. He will hang his belief that you would make great friends on the smallest of compatibilities-- for example a shared interest in a band, which he makes an awful lot of hay out of. He may talk a lot about how victimized he's been by cruel ex-girlfriends in a ploy for sympathy.



...Most Nice Guys only fall for a fairly limited range of "hot" chicks. It's because women are all about the status for them, and they are out to prove something to the world. Some of them will deliberately only go after women who are fairly unattainable, if their martyr complex needs some care and feeding.

Nice Guys don't actually care what a woman wants, which is one of the keys to identifying a Nice Guy vs. a nice guy, and which runs directly counter to their most deeply held beliefs about themselves. They think that they are great, caring, compassionate partners; usually, they just want a captive audience. They don't have much respect for what her desires and preferences are unless they are for him, because if she wants something different than him, it is attributed to her dysfunction and desire to be treated badly by an asshole. They may spend some time with pick-up books and things that tell them how to get chicks, but they tend to follow the letter of the law and not the spirit. That's why he'll serenade you on a subway platform even though he knows you don't like to call attention to yourself, and then be hurt that you were uncomfortable and embarrassed by the display. He likes to make a big show out of being romantic and considerate, especially when others are watching, but he will still forget to pick up his socks even if you've told him you'd rather have a clean floor than roses delivered to your office.

The absolute key difference between a nice guy and a Nice Guy is that the nice guy truly likes and respects women and doesn't feel entitled to the attentions of any woman. The Nice Guy pretends to be that, but secretly he has decided that all women suck (usually for the sins of a couple of them), and he doesn't really care about anything so much as propping up his limp ego.


There are a lot of Nice Guys out there, and they are incredibly insidious, because on the surface they SEEM so sweet, so misunderstood, so very different from the boorish asshole who cheated on you or told you that those pants do, indeed, make your ass look fat. But in the end, they turn out to be using their "niceness" as an excuse to hide behind, much like medieval aristocracy used cloying perfumes to cover up the ass-stank of their unwashed bodies.


Thank you, Divalion, thank you. I'll leave you with one last word from her... Because this should be obvious, but somehow it's not.

I have some news for you, Nice Guys of the world. "Nice" isn't as much of a selling point as you'd think. In fact, for most women, it's like expecting that your new car will come with wheels attached.