Science Guy and I got together today -- the plan was to see a movie, and that was about it. We saw "I love you, Man" (Highly recommend it-- very funny...) and despite his protestations that we're "just friends" I noticed that he seemed to be taking up more than a little of my personal space during the movie... Arm rest hogging (so arms touched), whispering to me in a way so that his forehead touched mine, etc. Hmmm....
Afterwards we decided to run errands, stopping at several stores. (So exciting, I know. There's really nothing to do in our area. NOTHING.) I admit, part of me was testing his limits of endurance as I dragged him to buy a new curling iron, nail polish, and shoes. He was remarkably patient through it all, good-naturedly offering advice on all of it. WE then went grocery shopping (though not with the intention of having dinner-- I'd left my car at the movie theater, and he was supposed to have dropped me back at my car after the errands.) The entire afternoon was very couple-like, I have to say. We joked around, and it was rather fun doing these mundane things with someone else. Again, he was rather... familiar... at the grocery store, and I have to say that if I'd behaved with Npapaya or Supergirl in the way he was behaving with me, they would definitely have felt I was coming onto them.
We ended up back at his place because I was curious about the apartment (he's paying an outrageous sum for it, even by this area's standards,) and we put the groceries away. Again, there was something very 'couple' like about it, and he started to get rather ... handsy. Not in a bad way, but definitely not in a "we're just friends" kind of way. Just rubbing my back, grabbing my hand, etc. He asked if I'd like something to eat or drink-- I said no, thanks. (In spite of our grocery shopping, there wasn't really anything to eat in his place, if that makes any sense. And I really wasn't very hungry anyway...)
Rather abruptly he said-- ok, let's go out to dinner, my treat. I told him that really wasn't necessary as I wasn't hungry, but he insisted. We went to a nice spot nearby, and he got a bottle of wine, and once again started being rather flirty and handsy, which led to some awkward moments. Finally I pressed the issue of the "just friends" thing when we were talking about why he was so insistent on taking me out to dinner.
He said, "Can I be honest?
Me- "Of course."
Him- "I just couldn't trust myself alone with you. I find you very attractive."
Me- "You do realize that YOU are the one who wanted to be "just friends"?
Him- "I know, I know. It's because you're my best friend in this area and I worry that if something were to happen with us and it didn't work out, I would lose a friend."
Me- "Well, it's your choice. I'm open to being more than that."
Him- "I know. I just don't think it's a good idea. Aren't we more comfortable being friends?"
Me- "Yes, we're probably more comfortable, but like I said, I'm open to more."
After dinner, (Expensive. He paid. He kept getting annoyed that I kept thanking him for dinner, as he kept insisting that it was only natural...) he dropped me back at my car. He got out, gave me a hug.... I thought he might be moving in for a kiss, but it ended up on the cheek instead. I started to go, then he pulled me back to him-- held me for a good 30 seconds or so-- and said, "I'm really struggling with my resolve."
I pulled away and said-- "Ok then. Good luck with that. Remember, this was your choice!"
And... that was the end of the night.
On the one hand, I'm glad that Npapaya & supergirl were right (and I'm not crazy...), and I even understand Science Guy's reasoning. I *am* freer and more comfortable to be around when there's "no pressure." On the other hand-- there's not really "no pressure," is there? there's this constant underlying pressure.
Npapaya thinks I should just haul off and kiss him, and part of me wanted to. Another part of me didn't know how that would be received, and still another part of me felt guilty that I was not totally present with him.... because... my mind was on muckraker. (I know! I know! I know! but I'll explain why in the next post. )
I know that Science guy is fantastic-- really nice, thoughtful, and I found myself very attracted to him this evening. And yet... I feel like there's a depth of connection missing. Part of that is certainly me holding myself back, but I feel like he doesn't 'get' where I come from on a lot of stuff. Maybe that isn't important, or maybe it's something he'll learn-- but I recall someone else who loved me but never really 'got' me, and I just spent an inordinate amount of time frustrated with him.
I think science guy is right too in that I am more comfortable just being friends, and that there are traits & quirks that I can handle in friends that are a little harder to handle in a romantic partner. And so that's part of why I held back even though part of me wanted to kiss him. If i'd been drunker I totally would have kissed him.
Then again, I knew that. Which is why I only had one glass of wine at dinner.