I'm also kinda hating facebook right now...

Defriended! By Atlas! (Ok, that one doesn't hurt too bad... we were on good terms, but hadn't communicated since Oct I think?)

But.... A friend request ignored! By someone with whom I have had many pleasant interactions! And someone with whom I shared my sushi! SUSHI! I do not share my sushi lightly! I feel totally dissed! And humiliated to be non-friended!

Now I wonder if all our interactions have been a lie.... *sigh*.... I may as well go to the gorge and look deeply over the side...

(Ok, yes, overly dramatic-- but I am pissed by the ignoring of the friend request because based on interactions it was a pretty deliberate snub. I mean we shared sushi for God's sake!)

My insecure 15 year-old-self is making herself known. I know I shouldn't be bothered by this-- why the hell do I care if a friendly acquaintance doesn't want to be "friends" with me, right? But I really kinda hate all the grad students in my program right now. I need to stop hanging with them. I need to stop trying to be accepted by them. So I'll just go back to hating them all! Good plan, right?

Muckraker, I really kind of hate you.

Or maybe I really only hate myself for hoping what I hadn't allowed myself to hope in a really long time.

As I said in a long ago post, I rarely allow myself to be hopeful on first dates anymore. I used to get happy with anticipation, thinking to myself, ok! Maybe this guy will be great! Maybe this will be the start of something! But after awhile I just got-- I don't know-- beaten down with disappointment.

And so I stopped hoping and I started looking at dates as interviews and began looking forward to them just as much.

All the joy of discovering another person went completely out the window.

This isn't because I'm "goal-oriented" in the sense of... "I must get married, have a white house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids..." but rather I'm goal-oriented in the sense that I want to be completely open and comfortable with someone, and I have spent my entire life being closed and uncomfortable with people.

I think that would surprise my friends actually, because I know I present as someone open and at ease most of the time, but I do think they'd also acknowledge that the closer I get the more of a mess they realize me to be.

And so even though I was dating up a storm, I was getting nowhere, and I was (am) more closed off than ever.

And then muckraker caught me off-guard. And he saw me at my messy, stubborn, annoying, petulant self.... and he seemed to like me anyways. And he seemed to be interested in me anyways.

And maybe it was because I was so off-guard that I let him in more than I've let any guy in for years, and the connection seemed so real, so strong. And I started to hope. I hoped in a way I hadn't hoped in years. I hoped harder than I ever had before, no doubt because I hadn't let myself feel any hope in years.

And then... NOTHING. From one day to the next-- intense interest, then NOTHING.

The connection I felt with muckraker may have been a one-sided one, but it didn't feel that way at the time. And I don't think I imagined his interest. Some might say it was based on wishful thinking, but I do take solace in the fact that my friends who observed him say that he was definitely into me.

And so I was in denial... was there something else going on in his life? There had to be a reason, an excuse.... but it really doesn't matter.

I know some people must be wondering why on earth I am so hung up on something which was the flirtation of a month or two, nothing more, and I understand that. I probably would be wondering who on earth is this loony chick too. The reason? Is hope.

It's not the loss of muckraker I'm lamenting because I never had him. It's the loss of hope that is causing me despair.

And I really kind of hate him for making me believe in hope again, and then just as abruptly taking that hope away.

And I don't know how many times I can keep being disappointed before I just give up completely.

I'm such a snob!

I was contacted by a guy who is cute and able to write in complete sentences and has no red flags in his first email to me and he lives 5 minutes away.

All in all a great prospect, right? Certainly enough to warrant a coffee date.... except.... except....

I'm such a snob.

He's 32 and working on an associate's degree in business administration. Basically he's going to school to be a secretary.

God, I'm going straight to hell because I'm such a snob!!! Education is such an important issue to me!

I should give him a shot right? On the other hand, I feel like this is something I just would not be able to get over, and that I'd have nothing in common with someone who didn't value education (though I know I'm making assumptions-- I suppose he could have been working in construction to put his 4 siblings through school after his parents died or something, in which case I would feel like total shit.)

So, I should at least give it a coffee date, right? Right?

Because I'm a Modern Girl

It's been a slow week on the dating front. A few "winks" on the online profiles, but nothing interesting. Science guy hasn't been in touch, which I found a bit surprising given his attentiveness the previous week, but I haven't felt the need to call him up and say "What's up?" (I probably should but... eh. I just don't have the energy.) Muckraker gave me absolutely nothing to work with this week, and I've (pretty much) written him off. (I say pretty much because I know how weak I am and how easily I would give in if he turned the charm on again. Hey, at least I acknowledge it...! That's a step, right?) I ran into a mutual friend of ours at a party though, and she was fishing for info. She wants to find out what his deal is, but she's also trying to hook us up. I told her good luck, and that I'm not interested in being with someone who isn't clear about wanting to be with me.

So.... Basically nothing going on this week. Sorry!

In other news my boss... we'll call him Lex... has decided he has a thing for this girl who's in my grad program. Ugh. This girl is vacuous, 23, blonde, skinny, slutty and bitchy. Which totally explains why he likes her, right? I swear... I know these could be his issues (heaven knows he has a few), but it does make one lose hope in mankind. (Note: I am not interested in Lex, but frankly I think he needs to grow up when it comes to his taste in women... especially since he's said he's looking to "settle down." Believe me, this girl is not looking to "settle down", and frankly I'd doubt she'd give him the time of day. But apparently guys want girls who won't give them the time of day, so what do I know?)

I wasn't feeling down today so much as generally annoyed with the male half of the species. And so today in the grocery store when I saw the valentine's display next to the flower shop area, what did I do? I did what and modern girl would do--- I bought myself some flowers.

Yes, yes, in this economy to spend some money that I don't really have on something that is both ephemeral and unnecessary is perhaps stupid. Suze Orman would be upset with me that I took that $5 dollars and put it towards flowers instead of towards my credit cards, I'm sure. But it's symbolic... I'm worthy of flowers and I'm not going to wait around for someone else to acknowledge that. So if I have to buy my own damn flowers I will.

Even if I would much rather have someone else buy them for me.

*sigh*

Your regularly scheduled programming:

or... "So, why precisely did you contact me???"

Received today:

Hi-
I am not a feminist, I'm a take charge alpha male...is that a poroblem?
You should have a positive attitude, be educated, intellegent[sic], and believe in Jesus. Please no : single moms, convicted felons, liars, drugs, party girls, or mental disabilities. If by chance you are one out of 100 girls who passes that rigorous criteria, you must be attractive as well. I prefer girls who are taller than me [yes, he is short], and who have long hair, ( but I will consider others )[wow... how special of him].



By the way, his profession was listed as "Actor/Lawyer/Bartender." Haaawwwwt! How can I contain myself???

Mistress Mary, Quite Contrary...

I took the day off of work today, which was a good decision, I think. This is apparently the most depressing day of the year, btw. I'm a little down... I just couldn't get the gumption to go in to the office today.

I met Science Guy for lunch (after his insistence yesterday that he wanted to see me.) It was perfectly nice, I enjoy his company. (I would also like to point out that he insisted on paying... which, in this circumstance a "friend" would not normally do, I think.) Again, his attentiveness is a nice contrast... to muckraker.

Seriously though, how fucked up is it that even though Science guy has shown in actions how vastly superior he is to muckraker... I'm still pining after muckraker. AARRRGGGHH!

I'm reminded actually about how when I was casually seeing Atlas how much I preferred Science guy to him. And now that (I guess?) I'm casually--kinda--? seeing Science guy, I prefer Muckraker to him. I have issues, I know! Apparently I'm just a contrarian. If Muckraker were paying attention to me and Science guy wasn't, would I be more into science guy?

*sigh* Perhaps, perhaps.

I am so screwed if this is the case as it means I'll never be able to want someone who wants me.

FUCK.

Men Make NO Sense

I went to the movies, as previously mentioned, with a few friends today. Included in that group was Science Guy.

(Muckraker did not attend... I did not expect him to, though he was invited, but I did spy him wandering around town a bit later that day. Seriously, what a tool. So done with him.... well, mostly. Given that I still have 7 weeks of classes left with him, I'm sure he (and his nonsensical behaviour) will make a few more appearances in this blog.)

Interestingly enough, I would not have included Science guy in the invite had he not made it clear that he "just wanted to be friends." Because really? Unless I want the scrutiny of my friends, or unless I'm serious about someone, I don't really introduce them to my inner circle. Introducing a "friend" to my friends though? Sure, why not...

We all went out for a drink after the movie, and it was perfectly pleasant if a bit subdued. We all went our separate ways afterward, and I went out grocery shopping-- not realizing that my phone was still on vibrate because I'd turned it off for the movie.

I got home, started making a pretty complicated dinner, and saw that Science guy had called. I was online and saw him there, and we started chatting. Turns out he was calling to ask me to dinner. Since I was in the process of making dinner, that was out of the question, but Science Guy kept asking if I wanted to go out, or if he could come over. (No, and NO.)

I tried to put him off to next weekend (frankly, I don't have much energy to be hanging out with people in the "getting to know you" phase right now), but he kept asking, "When can I get some time with you? I know you're busy, but I really want to see you." He said that a few times actually, "I really want to see you."

Nice, huh? Except... we're just friends, right?

Well, I told him we could have lunch tomorrow, so he's going to pick me up at work and we'll have lunch outside of town.

I love his attentiveness, I really do. (And it doesn't come across as creepy/stalkerish-- if it did, I would cut him off ASAP.) And he seems very nice...

But the truth is that I was relieved when he told me he only wanted to be friends because that was what I was feeling as well. (Yes, though I was only feeling that because I was so hung up on muckraker. Not much has changed. I'm still hung up on muckraker, and as a result I still want to be "just friends" with Science Guy.)

I don't think I'm wrong in thinking Science Guy wants to be more than friends, am I? He is being awfully persistent for a "friend."

Who knows though. Men make no sense. I've given up. I know the cliche is that men don't know what women want, but really we're very easy to read if you -- ya know-- pay attention. (Most men don't pay attention, which is where they get into trouble, I find.)

But men? I get the feeling that they change their minds the way the wind changes direction, and for about as much reason-- (which is to say, none.)

ClueStick!

Playing Catch Up

A quick run-down of my week by Muckraker interactions:

Monday: Ignored!

Tuesday: No class, no contact (But lunch with a friend who said "Either let go, or force the issue, but do one or the other.")

Wednesday: A little flirty, but still nothing much to indicate interest

Thursday: Muckraker randomly... deliberately... sits several rows away in class. (He usually sits next to me.) I call him on it, and he comes to the back and is all flirty and shit. After class, as I'm leaving towards the back of the classroom he calls after me. He asks where I'm off to, and I say I'm probably going to grab a bite. One of us, I don't remember who, (but I'm pretty sure it was him) suggests grabbing lunch in town.

On our walk to town he asks me about my plans for the weekend. I mention I might go see a movie and ask if he'd like to join me and some friends. He says that he probably can't because he has to be away this weekend. He gets all cagey when I ask what he's doing-- he says he can't talk about it, which pisses me off.

He asks where we should have lunch, and I suggest a quick sandwich shop, where we could grab and go. He asks if I have time for a sit-down meal, and suggests chinese food.

The conversation is more stilted than our previous encounters-- due in a large part to the fact that I'm rather pissed off at him. But a couple of things stand out-- 1) his lamentable table manners, and 2)When I offer to share my food with him (he accepts...) he doesn't offer back. No, those aren't *big* things, but they annoyed me, more so than they would have if he hadn't just spent about a week ignoring me, I might say.

So. Pretty uneventful for a lunch actually. What did we talk about? Nothing of significance or that would give me hope that he's into me. Oh, yeah... We each paid for ourselves-- which would seem to indicate "He's just not that into me" also.

(I know all of you playing along at home are like-- does this girl just need to get hit by a clue-by-four, or what???)

Friday: A friend asks me to dinner and Muckraker happens to be there along with 8 other people. It's a nice, fun dinner-- though Muckraker is at the opposite end of the table, and he and I don't really talk.

At my end of the table though people are talking about their plans for the weekend... In listening to their conversation I figure out (without any difficulty) what Muckraker's "mysterious" plans for the weekend are-- the ones that he refuses to tell me. The dude is working on a group project. Seriously... Why the fucking secrecy? I don't get it. I don't get his deal, whatever the fuck that is.

We go out for drinks after dinner, and I end up sitting next to him. I can't say the conversation is particularly sparkling, but I can say that a sparkle is gone from his eye in the way that he looked at me a month ago.

You know that certain-- je ne sais quoi-- that people give off when they're into you? You can't define it, but it's almost like a vibration? He doesn't give that off anymore.

He left early, but before he left asked if I was going to another party later that night and said he would be there, and that I should stop by. (I contemplated it for half a millisecond before concluding that I would only end up more frustrated and depressed if I went. I went home instead.)

Lena, a girl in our program turned to me after he left and said, "I feel a certain vibe between you and muckraker, what's going on?" I gave her a bit of the background. Her response, "If you like him, go after him! He's a prize! He really is! Yeah, his thing is to be all weirdly mysterious, but don't let that stop you. Chase him!"

My response? I have too much pride to want to be with someone who obviously doesn't want me. If he likes me, he can get his act together

* * * * * * * *

So that's that. Given all the NOTHING going on, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even blogging about muckraker anymore. Believe me, so am I.

In the meantime, things are--- interesting--- With science guy. Unlike with Muckraker, he is (SHOCKING!) attentive! I do so admire that trait in a man!

I invited science guy to the same movie I invited muckraker to. HAHA! Yes, both of them, same movie, same place. Why not, right? I'm "Just friends" with both of them. A few other of my friends will (Hopefully!) be there-- or it could just be me and Science guy, I don't know. I don't anticipate that muckraker will show up, though he does know the time and the place.

Science guy also called me tonight, just to see how my week was, and to see if I wanted to have lunch tomorrow. I couldn't... but I appreciated the thought!

********************


Don't know where all of this is going... probably nowhere with both of them... I'll leave it up to the universe.

Just "friends," Right?

Science guy gave me a call tonight. Just to see how I was doing, and to see if I was feeling better than yesterday. We made small talk. It was nice.

I don't know if he's simply calling because he still doesn't really know anyone around here, but it was nice of him to do so. We've agreed to be just friends (Not that we were ever anything else mind you, but the potential to be something else was there since we did meet on a dating site.)

His attentiveness is a pretty sharp contrast to the lack of attention muckraker has shown me. It's a good contrast in a way because it teaches me that I should be able to expect that, right? That I have a right to expect someone who claims to like me, who claims to be my friend, to call and ask how my day was... to send a funny email because they were thinking of me... to go for a walk to the post office for no other reason than to keep me company.

Those are the things I expect of my friend friends, right? So why would I be willing to settle for less from someone with whom I would want to be more than just friends?

I'm not, and I won't.

So thanks, Science guy, for reminding me of that.

Yes, Yes, I know he's just not that into me...

Muckraker again proved just how NOT into me he is by virtually ignoring me in class today.

Let's see... Npapaya, Ro, Jan, Nell, Di, Kay, Megs (and probably many of you out there) have a uniform response. "We don't like him." "He's just not that into you!" "Don't waste your time!"

And as Ro said... "If you value our opinions at all, you'll move on."


I do. And I am.

But....

No, really, I am.

But....

I swear, I totally am.

But....



But, like I told Nell... I'd feel really bad if there was something going on in his life-- like his mom is sick or something-- that is distracting him. So, ---mmmmaaaayyybbbeee--- I could give him one last shot, before I'm like "DONE!" ????

(Ok, yes, I can hear the collective heads hitting the desks. Yes, even I know this excuse is TOTALLY feeble.)

Ro says to me, "I've known guys like him-- they get off on the attention, and the moment you stop giving it to him he'll be all back into you again." (Which is more than likely true, I know. And if he were to demonstrate a massive amount of interest again? I can't say I wouldn't fall for it again. I could lie and say I'm stronger than that... But it would be a lie and y'all would see right through me.)

I think a big part of it that makes me want to hold out and hope has to do with the books he wrote. Really, they were beautiful and sensitive! And I have trouble picturing someone able to write those things being a complete dolt! I know it's entirely possible, but somehow that's the reason I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt.

*sigh*

That, and the fact that there are no good prospects around here!

*Sigh*

Yes, I know it seems like I date a lot, but the amount of effort it takes for me to date that much is excruciating! And exhausting! And the prospects are so dismal!

Which is a big part of the reason I'm so reluctant to let go of this one, I know. There are so many things right about him.

Oh, yea... except for that one little thing wrong with him.... that he's demonstrated that he's just not that into me.

THUNK! kjsf92035r830 5uiodfjn dls
{Yes, that was the sound of my head hitting the keyboard.}

You've been warned

Really, Really, Really NSFW.

But Really, Really Funny....

(Also? Best Quote "Sad, unrequited love... which is my favorite kind of love.")

A boost, just when I needed one.

I was surprised when Science Guy IM'd me tonight. Yeah, he said he wanted to stay friends and hang out, but so did Atlas, and he hasn't been calling me to say, "Let's get sushi sometime soon." (Heh. Ok, that was kind of mean.)

It was 1am and I wasn't really feeling up to talking, but to be polite (and since I was still puttering around online) I started chatting back and forth. We talked about the weekend, and I happened to mention that I was disappointed by some friends not coming to an outing I had planned--and particularly frustrated with one friend in particular (muckraker) who bailed very early and had been weirdly hot-and-cold the week before.

Science guy asked me if I had a thing for this guy (meaning muckraker). I said that I might have had except I didn't feel fond of him now, and that I wanted someone who could act like a grown-ass man and be consistent in the way he acts with me.

Science guy responded by saying, "I bet he's intimidated by you."

My response was, "No way. He's a very accomplished guy."

Science guy (basically) said, "So are you, and you're intimidating.I think he's nervous around you."

I said, "Me? I'm not intimidating! And this guy is not a nervous kind of guy."

Science guy said, "ok, but when I first met you came off as this well read woman interested in art, culture, books, music, etc. You came across as one of those New York women I would never think of approaching. I felt like you were out of my league."

I replied, "That's funny! I thought you were out of my league!"

Science guy responded, "Don't put me or this guy on a pedestal. You are very accomplished."

* * *

So. Huh. Right? Well, that certainly makes me feel better. While I don't agree with his assessment of Muckraker (other than the fact that I shouldn't put him on a pedestal-- no worries about that, he's been firmly knocked off. Yeah, his books are amazing, but he's been acting like a schmuck in real life, and that's what counts.) It certainly amazes me to think that science guy felt like I was out of his league.

I just don't even know what to make of that my mind is boggling so much. Huh.

{Smile}

Nothing better for a compliment from an impartial source when you're down in the dumps.*

*(Yes, Npapaya and others were also very kind to me, but I know they're inordinately fond of me anyways and so they'll always say kind things to me. It's appreciated, but I can't help but think they don't see me clearly. My issues... I know, I know...)

To continue yesterday's theme...

And, rising, from her bosom drew
Old letters, breathing of her worth,
For "Love", they said, "must needs be true,
To what is loveliest upon earth."
An image seem'd to pass the door,
To look at her with slight, and say,
"But now thy beauty flows away,
So be alone for evermore."
"O cruel heart," she changed her tone,
"And cruel love, whose end is scorn,
Is this the end to be left alone,
To live forgotten, and die forlorn?"

-Tennyson

Feeling Low

I'm quite depressed tonight. I suppose this is to be expected after having been so hopeful in the past month or so. This isn't an unusual pattern but though it's not unexpected I can't seem to help myself.

I know whether or not Muckraker likes me, or runs hot and cold, or whatever isn't really about me. I know this-- intellectually at least. But the way I feel about it? I feel like shit.

Yes, I know I have a multitude of issues, many of which are outlined and deconstructed in this very blog, that may have a fair bit to do with my single status... But deep down? Deep down I think there's really only one reason.

I'm not pretty enough.

I've never been pretty enough. I'll never be pretty enough.
(I may as well dig a hole and go die right now, right? ha.)

Or, as Shakespeare would put it, "I am as ugly as a bear; For beasts that meet me run away for fear: Therefore no marvel though Demetrius Do, as a monster fly my presence thus."

Oh, I know, I know. My personality, and pickiness, and many other things have as much to do with single status as my looks do-- but that's not the way it feels. At least not tonight. (And science guy's comments didn't help much.)

After all, doesn't everyone know some crazy hot bitch who somehow manages to land guys left and right in spite of her personality deficiencies? Looks matter. A LOT. And good looks matter a lot, especially if you haven't any.

Do I believe men are visual creatures? Yes, I do. And so part of me-- A BIG part of me believes that if only I were thinner... blonder... had perkier breasts... had higher cheekbones... had better lips... had more toned arms... had nice legs... a smaller waist... (well, I can go on infinitely...) Then maybe muckraker wouldn't have been so hot and cold. Maybe I could have kept his attention (or any guy's attention.) Maybe I would be worth something to someone. What is it that I'm worth? Whatever it may be is definitely based on my looks.

I offhandedly mentioned something last night in casual conversation-- Something I didn't realize was as fucked up as it is until today. We were talking about eyeglasses, and I mentioned that I had had LASIK surgery a few years back. I also laughed and mentioned that people would not know I had once worn glasses in looking at childhood pictures of me since my mother never allowed any such pictures to be taken or displayed because she found me so ugly in glasses.

People looked at me as though I had two heads when I said that. To me, it was something perfectly normal. It is something perfectly normal.

Imperfections are not allowed. Ugly things are not loved or accepted. Fictions must be created to maintain illusions. Thisis what is abnormally normal to me.

I am far from perfect. I am far from pretty. Can I therefore blame anyone for not finding me attractive enough to stick around? I can't blame them, because I wouldn't stick around for myself either.

I know I'm having a pity party in much the way I always do when I feel rejected, and that I should be grateful that I'm not actually disfigured. And I am. I truly, truly am. But at the same time I'm envious of the good looks that made my sister and my mother's lives so much easier than my own. How much more could I have done-- could be doing-- with my life if I didn't feel so encumbered by my ugliness?

And I realize these are my own hang ups. I realize that while I'm no great beauty, neither am I someone who would be pointed at and laughed at because I'm so homely. I am, however, invisible. Invisible and passed over and ultimately cast aside for someone better. At least, that's the way I feel.

I wish I could reason away feelings, tell myself I have many other good qualities (And would I really have wanted to end up as vacuous as my sister in exchange for her looks? NO. No, I would not.) But 10 good qualities don't make up for not having a pretty face. And 100 good qualities don't make up for not having a hot body. And there aren't enough good qualities to be had that would make me feel better about not being wanted.

* * *
BEFORE THE WORLD WAS MADE
Yeats


If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror,
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made.

What if I look upon a man
As though on my beloved,
And my blood be cold the while
And my heart unmoved?
Why should he think me cruel
Or that he is betrayed?
I'd have him love the thing that was
Before the world was made.

A dedication

To Mr. Hot N Cold himself-**



** (No, not that it was ever serious (or even close to it), but the "hot n cold" thing? Dude seriously needs to grow up and cut that shit out.)

**(And not that I'm fond of Katy Perry's misogynistic tendencies either...)

Shady McGrady

Well, that's what Npapaya calls Muckraker. I have come to the point where I agree with her, as sad as I am to say that.

Monday was a promising day, if you'll recall... and then? Nothing.

That's right... NOTHING.

In fact, on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday Muckraker all but ignored me. After Monday's interactions the WTF??? Response to this I had was off the charts.

My friend Jan (Thank goodness she's in my class and there to back me up on this or I'd be going out of my mind thinking I had imagined his interest and then subsequent disinterest,) thinks his behaviour is totally shady too.

What's the reason for this Hot/Cold mess? I don't know, and I don't care anymore.
Tonight, I am officially done with Muckraker (the Weirdo) as Nell calls him, with "the adventurer" as another friend calls him, and with Shady McGrady as NPapaya calls him. Ok, so this is a very one-sided DONE as he doesn't care one way or another apparently, but it's good to finish it in my own mind.

So why this tonight? Well, here's what happened (or didn't happen...)

On Monday I asked Muckraker and a few other mutual friends to go to Nell's exhibition. Muckraker responded quickly saying "I'm There!" (Promising, right?) Today (After basically being ignored for several days) he says to me-- oh, that thing tonight? I may not be able to go. I have some other plans." Jan, hearing this, rolled her eyes at me, and I just responded to him, "Ok, well, see you if you get there."

This evening I was looking... dare I say? Cute?! Hot? Well, as hot as *I* get, which may only be as hot as my grandma's mildest chili, (but it was about as good as I get.) I went to the exhibit with a couple of my gay boys (still hoping to see muckraker, I admit.)

We were there for a fairly long time-- probably about an hour before muckraker finally showed up. He came and talked to us for about 2-3 minutes, and then went to go congratulate Nell.... and then he never came back...

My boys and I were waiting for Nell to finish the exhibition so we could go out to eat, but it was taking much longer than expected. We decided to head out to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat, and so we tracked muckraker down to ask him if he wanted to join us (which, frankly was the plan to begin with when we were all talking about going out that evening.)

Muckraker informed us he was meeting up with some people at a local indian restaurant, and that we could join him if we wished. I asked him "oh, who are you meeting?" and he responded, "Are you being discriminating?" My response? "Yes! I have no wish to hang out with people I can't stand!" (In addition, Nell was planning on going to a restaurant across the street with some of her other friends, and we didn't want to ditch her.) Muckraker headed out without waiting to see if anyone else was coming... and, well, that was that.

My boys and I ended up grabbing a bite elsewhere, and that was that too...

Crappy evening overall, huh? (All that cuteness totally WASTED!)

I was hopeful. Perhaps too hopeful. Muckraker's issues... I don't know what they are, but if he persists in being -- well, a total douche -- there's nothing I can do about that is there? Except not waste my time.

So this strikes me particularly hard this evening as another internet connection has fizzled out, and since Science guy is no longer in the picture (being super attentive. Ok, yeah, he was kind of a douche too.)

It's on nights like this when I ask myself, "Why do I even try? Why do I put myself out there? Why do I put myself up for rejection? Why do I care?" I could be sitting at home every night and have the exact same results I do now-- which is to say, NONE AT ALL!

I don't know, maybe Muckraker liked me (or he liked the chase, and when I started to reciprocate it was no longer fun for him.) Whatever. I at least feel reassured by some of my friends' observations enough to tell myself that at least I wasn't imagining his demonstrated (real or feigned) interest. What happened between demonstrating that interest and TONIGHT? I have no fucking clue. Maybe he got sick of me, maybe he found himself a girlfriend, maybe he's just an annoying fuck.

As for me? I'm fucking sick of this whole fucking dating game. I'm not having fun anymore and I don't want to play.

Seriously? Seriously. Can I use you as a reference, btw?

While I was in the middle of composing my next post (which you will see in oh-say-30 minutes or so. I know you'll be hitting the refresh button incessantly in anticipation...) Science guy came up on my IM.

We were chatting amicably back and forth, I mentioned I had thought about ringing him for dinner tonight, etc. And then I mentioned that one of my friends recently used the same (unusual) turn of phrase to describe something that he had. I wondered if he knew her, I asked. His response? No, but I might like to! Is she hot? and single?

{hang head, roll eyes and go reread my advice }

Since this is only the -oh- 20th or so time he's said something like this (yes, exaggeration, but that's what it feels like.) I got annoyed.

I responded- "Do you have any hot guys at your office you can set me up with?"

We went back and forth a few times and finally I just said to him-- Look, I have no illusions about whether or not you may find someone else attractive, but I'm hurt (and I think any other girl would be) to have you say so directly to me. It implies that you don't find me attractive enough. Those are thoughts I think you should keep to yourself.

(Am I wrong here? I seriously don't think so.)

We talked some more and he was finally like, "I think our personalities just don't mesh well enough to make this work." Which, as much as I like him, I have to agree with that.

He did say he still wanted to be friends and that he thought I was "a great woman" and friendly, and helpful, etc. etc. and that he would still like to be friends. He asked if we were still on for this weekend, because he'd like to hang out still.

So, that's pretty good right? I have to say, I always end things on a high note...! Ha. You think I have more good karma headed my way?

Science guy really does seem like a nice guy, but he was right that our personalities just didn't click well enough for anything serious I think.

Anyone with a high tolerance for off-color jokes want his number?

Also, do you think I can use both him and atlas as good references for future dates? Ha!

Am I dense or are you a dunce?

Today was the first time I saw Muckraker in 3ish weeks. You will be happy to know I refrained from saying, "WTF is wrong with you? What, they don't have email in Arizona?" As Meg pointed out, this would probably be a bad move, and make him run away very, very, very fast. Which is not the goal. (Well, not yet at least. Time will tell... I may keep this maneuver in mind in case it should become necessary.)

I sat next to him in class today, which wasn't planned, but my friend and I were running late and those were the only seats left in the back. (Ok, ok, I'll be honest. If the room had been full of empty chairs, I probably would have sat next to him too, but this gave me no choice. Thanks universe!) He greeted me with a hug and we made a bit of small talk. At the end of class asked me to grab a cup of coffee with him.

I told him I had to hurry back to the office, so if he wanted to grab a cup of crappy dining service coffee I would do that, but I wouldn't hold him up if he wanted to go to Starbucks (which is only slightly less crappy than dining service coffee). My friend Jan conveniently made herself scarce and told me not to wait for her, she had to run an errand. (no, I didn't ask her to do this. What do you think I am, pathetic? Oh. Wait. Um.... Well, but at least I didn't ASK her to do that!)

I was kind of surprised actually that he asked me to do this one-on-one since his MO seems to do group stuff, so I was rather pleased by the invite.

Over coffee our topics wandered the gamut from "true love" (Because of an article I'd posted on facebook--scientists claim to have found proof of "true love" pathways in the brain. Of course, it turns out that he knows the scientist who did the research since he interviewed him for an article... I have to say, his trait of always knowing everything (in a rather off-hand manner) is both one of the things I like best about him, and one of the most infuriating. It's like, "For once I'd like to tell you something you DON'T know!" But I digress...), to families (and why my sister is dead to me!), and to how people don't always show their true feelings when they like someone...

(Seriously dude, if you just pulled my hair and called me "carrots" I would be much more clear about the whole thing, because this meandering.... I just don't know. Am I dense, or are you a dunce? So if you could just be more obvious? Or tell me to drop dead? Either one of these would be more helpful.)

He also said something that was rather infuriating... Ro has kind of said the same thing to me... but, well, it gives me pause... and makes me remind myself not to put on rose colored glasses.

Some other things he said made me think -- ok, yes, he's hinting he likes me, other times he said stuff that made me thing-- ok, he's hinting I should look elsewhere.


Given how acute and discerning my signal reading skills have been of late (see a few posts below), I put no faith in them.

I cut coffee short (because I really did have to -- ya know -- go do what they pay me to do).

When I got to my office I thought, screw it. After that coffee thing? I'm just going to go for it. I sent him an email asking him to dinner tonight.

He wrote back he didn't think he could because he had plans already, but those plans might be canceled. Later that afternoon he was in touch to say he couldn't do tonight after all, but could he get a rain check?

So, that's where we left things. I'll see him on Wednesday in class, so I guess I might have more to say then! (I also feel like this serial soap format of story telling means that my blog should be sponsored by Mr. Clean or something.)
* * * * * * * * * *

OH! Funny side note, one of my friends (who is in the class) wrote to me afterward saying, "How are things with Muckraker the Adventurer? Has he mustered up his courage to ask you out? HE is a big weirdo!!" (Hee. He really is, actually. I harbor no illusions about this.)

Second side note - I am a die-hard feminist, and I may be betraying the sisterhood in what I am about to say, but I can't help but feel what I feel:

He asked me to get coffee. If he liked me, I would have expected him to offer to pay. He didn't. This leads me to think that either he doesn't like me like that (or doesn't like me enough), or that he does but is too damn cheap to pay for a cup of coffee. This wasn't even a mocha-frappe-venti-peppermint swirl-skim latte or anything either-- just a plain $1 cuppa joe. Either way, not good all-around.

It might be wrong of me to expect that (probably it is), but that's the way I feel about it. I do gauge level of interest in whether or not the guy pays... Anyone have differing views about this?

In Case You Were Wondering

Here are some reasons why you might be single courtesy of Time Out New York!

(Ummm... yes, in the interest of full disclosure one (or more!) of these things apply to me, and I know it. I'll let you guess which ones they are...!)

Also, Feel free to add your own reasons in the comments section!

REASONS YOU'RE SINGLE:


Because you’re desperate

Because you’re afraid of commitment

Because you love the sound of your voice

Because you’re too shy

Because you’re too controlling

Because you’re cheap

Because you just got dumped and have pledged never to love again

Because you have too many roommates

Because you’re allergic to everything

Because you’re overweight

Because you’re obsessed with your pet

Because you only speak in catchphrases

Because you have bad breath

Because you’re a straight woman who only goes out with her gay friends

Because you’re a gay man who only goes out with his straight friends

Because you can’t get over your ex

Because your voice could cut glass

Because you have no style

Because you’re a gal who can’t stop dating musicians

Because you only like people who don’t like you

Because you’re in love with yourself

Because you’re secretly gay

Because you work till all hours

Because you’re a guy who’s too nice

Because you party too much

Because you don’t drink

Because You drink too much

Because you’re ugly

Because you’re too pretty

Because you blog about everything

Because you have a kid

Because you’re a short and skinny guy

Because you look like the Gotti kids

Because you’re addicted to sex

Because you hate yourself

Because you’re too close to your parents

Because you’re too picky

Because you’re too judgmental

Because you’re a homebody

Because you’re so damn angry

....And that’s why you’re single!

Whenever anyone you know exemplifies any of the categories above, take a sharp pencil, point it at them and say, “And that’s why you’re single!” It’s catchy and works for anything.

In which I am proven wrong

Ah, Facebook! How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

Except of course, when it gives me evidence of my own idiocy...!

That "relationship" status is a bitch, I tell you! (Which is precisely why I don't have mine listed, btw.)

So, remember how I thought that Griffith was flirting with me the a week or so ago? And how he said, "Let's hang out when I'm back in town?" ... And how I took that to mean, "Hmmm... Maybe he is interested in me... hmmm...I think I would be interested in him!..."?

Well, he just changed his relationship status to "In a Relationship."

DOH!

Ok, so presumably he actually DID just want to "Hang out." That's ok, I can deal with that. :-p I obviously read something into our interaction that wasn't there.

This, of course, worries me. Not that he's in a relationship-- I wish him all the best-- but the fact that I misread him.

If you'll recall, I also completely misread Science Guy. (I thought he was blowing me off, but it turns out he thought I was blowing him off)

So we now have two prime exhibits in which I completely misread a situation.

Let's see... Can I make it three for three? Perhaps tomorrow I'll find out Muckraker got engaged over the holidays...! That would be awesome. So awesome, I may have to foreswear the opposite sex forever!

Update

Just a (hopefully!) quick update since I've been MIA over vacation.

I was supposed to get together with Science guy tomorrow-- we had made plans for lunch and then errands (sexy, I know-- but we're both crazy busy.) In fact, we're both so crazy busy that our plans got postponed to next weekend. I'm not really disappointed, which tells me a lot, I think. I like science guy, I think he's great-- (And he's very attentive, which is appreciated! He's called, and texted me more times than I can count over these last 2 weeks -- (well, I could count, but it's probably in the 15-20 range. No worries, I don't get a stalker vibe from him :-)

As attentive as he is, I (being the difficult girl I am) can't help but wish that attentiveness was coming from someone else. What can a girl do? A crush wants what a crush wants! There's obviously no logic behind it, because logic tells me to go full force ahead with science guy and to put Muckraker out of my head.

And yet, during this vacation I kept finding my thoughts involuntarily straying to Muckraker. Not simply in the "Gee, does he like me, I hope he likes me!" sense, but in that I would think of something funny.... and want to tell him, because I knew he would get the joke. Or, I'd be having a discussion on something obscure and not able to recall if something happened during the reign of Justinian I or not-- and I knew Muckraker would know, and my instinct was to say-- "OH, Muckraker, what is xyz?" or "Oh, Muckraker would know! Let me ask him!" He really is the most brilliant, amazing man-- a true polymath. Though the content of his character is still fuzzy for me at the moment, even if I didn't have a crush on him I know I would want to have discussions with him. He's not showy about what he knows, completely the opposite in fact. You would never realize the extent of his insights until you got deeply into conversation with him, because (unlike me!) he doesn't trot out facts and figures and put them on display as though they were show ponies. And so, whenever I got into a discussion in the past few weeks, I kept wanting to ask him what his thoughts were on a particular subject.

This is, as I said, completely involuntary (and CRAZY) behaviour on my part. Believe me, I know this. I want to stop this. I want to exorcise this crush! If anyone has any hints, do let me know!

I will presumably be seeing Muckraker on Monday. (Yes, I decided to take the class I mentioned in a previous post-- and in spite of some concerns that readers expressed to me privately, it's not really because Muckraker is taking the class that I'm in it. I had signed up for it long before I knew him, and was debating between 2 courses. In the end this course will be the lesser of 2 evils and keep me from having to take a worse course this summer.) Though, of course Muckraker could have dropped the course, or any number of things could have happened, and it's possible I won't see him.

My friend Meg thinks I should go up to him and say, "I missed you!" I think this is MUCH too forward for me though. She wonders if he knows how I feel and I have to say that I think he does. Is it wrong for me to sit back and let him come to me though? I just want a bit of the same kind of attentiveness that Science Guy has shown me. Maybe that is wrong of me to expect, but it's what I want.

Well, time will tell, and I should probably know in the next week or two if there is any real possibility with Muckraker, or if I need to call in some voodoo priestess to rid me of my crush. (Anyone got one on speed dial?)