Sage Words

“It's a funny thing about mothers and fathers. Even when their own child is the most disgusting little blister you could ever imagine, they still think that he or she is wonderful.” -Roald Dahl, Matilda

You have to laugh

Finals are over, first term under my belt, patients being seen, things are good.

Every once in awhile things happen to remind me of why I'm so happy to be out of the madness that was my previous workplace though.  The absolute pettiness and ridiculousness of grown people who passive-aggressively take to facebook to carry out their fights and vendettas is literally unbelievable-- I mean that in the actual sense of the word-- LITERALLY-- when I saw it, I could not believe what I was looking at. Is this shit actually transpiring on my facebook news feed? Are these people actually pretending to be intellectuals hiding behind credentials and name of a school that they think gives them legitimacy?

UGH. is what I have to say to that.  Okay, it's not the most elegant or cogent argument, but I'm tired.  Ugh. Get a grip. Get a life. Get over yourselves.  Ugh.

I spent the rest of the afternoon blocking people-- who needs that negative energy.

I have never been so able to laugh at it all (thank GOD), and I am so appreciative of my awesome cohort and the perspective they give me.  We went out after finals last Tuesday and I haven't had that much fun in years.  We stayed out until 1am, and if we could have stayed out longer we would have. Not everyone there is a kindred spirit, some of them are off-beat, a little kooky, (and well, to be frank there's the general consensus that one member of our cohort is probably an undiagnosed sociopath), but as a group there's a fun chemistry and camaraderie that I have been missing for a long time, and it's something I wasn't even aware that I was lacking in my life until I suddenly found it unexpectedly.

I think a big part of that has to do with the fact that at my previous workplace there only exists a faux pseudo-comraderie-- picture the court of Henry VIII with conspiracies, alliances, faux friendships and false smiles at every turn.  Are there real friends that I made during my time there? certainly.  Are they fewer than the fingers on one hand? Absolutely.

Am I saying that the members of my cohort will be lifelong friends? No, I'm not.  What I am saying is that I'd forgotten the feeling of what it's like to interact as a friend with someone and not wonder what their angle is, not wonder what they secretly want from you.  Maybe that's a cynical perspective, but the place I used to work at is sick as fuck.

Coming out of that mindset is like coming out of a cloudy smoke filled room into fresh air-- Hey, I can breathe again! And I hadn't even really recognized the noxious fumes I was breathing in before.

Now, I just have to hold onto that lesson and remind myself not to let other people's craziness drive me insane.  Weirdly enough, working with people who are actually diagnosed as mentally ill is a healthier experience than working with the people I previously worked with.  You have to laugh, right?

Hair!

I should apparently make this blog about hair-- at least, that's what I understand based on my traffic reports. My blog posts about hair get by FAR the most traffic from all over the world.  Hey, I get it... my little life is pretty mundane... I write mostly for myself.

But, in the spirit of giving my limited readership what they want, here's a little post about hair.  I got about 8" chopped off today, and it sure felt good.  Very freeing, psychologically speaking.  I have a tendency to hide behind my hair... and now, whoosh! It's gone. (I also have a tendency to put it up into a French Twist, which is only a fancy-pants looking version of the lazy-girl's go-to Ponytail... essentially, unless it was for a special occasion, I just would wash... and twist.)

Well, no more washing & twisting... here is the short bob I got today!

Ok, no, I'm not secretly Candace Cameron!  But, I saw this super cute short bob on the TV show "Make it or Break it" (Yes, I'm addicted to bad TV, especially bad TV that airs on ABC family.  Don't even get me started on "The Secret Life of the American Teenager"  ...  And yes, I'm ashamed of myself.)

In the spirit of helping out other people who are no doubt typing the words "cute short bob" into google as we speak, here are some more shots of the same cut... (Don't you love having more shots you can bring to your stylist! To make sure s/he does NOT.SCREW.IT.UP! Don't mess with the HAIR!)

When I saw this cut on TV I knew I wanted it, so I grabbed the screenshots-- You are welcome internets! Now go! Get yourselves some good hair!

:roll eyes:

You know how sometimes you're facebook friends with people who are totally random acquaintances, and you're like- Wait, how do I know you again?  But, hey, they're harmless enough, so you keep them on.

It's also an interesting little glimpse and window into how other people live, and how other people live? It does not compute for me, dude.

Approximation of facebook conversation:

Aquaintance:  Other new moms, how do you deal with having to go back to work?

Her Friend: It's tough, especially when you're breast feeding, trying to take care of the other kids, take care of the chores, and all of that.  I'm lucky though! My husband agreed to cook dinner once a week. I love Wednesdays!

I have to admit, my head kind of cocked sideways, like my dog does when she's looking at something she just does.not.understand.  Like, what do you mean, your husband "agreed" to cook dinner once a week? It sounds like you're doing pretty much everything. Why doesn't your lazy-ass husband cook dinner every night of the week? What else is he doing? You're making food with your God-damned body. What are his magical powers?  And you consider yourself "lucky"?    

Your life makes me sad.

Did I mention I was feeling groovy?

Jedi and I got some super good news today! We were invited to move into the apartment in the basement of our church! Why does that make it today our lucky day, you may ask!?  Well, for one, our church is located in the center of town, walking distance to my job and Jedi's job -- like, hop, skip, jump!  Now that we've sold one of our cars (did I mention we did that? Cost-cutting!) that is a super bonus.  Jedi's been taking the bus to work, but it means he gets to work an hour early, and if a colleague can't give him a ride home it usually means he has to wait an hour for the bus home. (Even though we only live a 10 minute drive away.)

But the super-dee-duperty big deal?  This is a practically FREE apartment!  We only pay a small contribution toward the heating costs, but other than that we get the apartment in exchange for opening and closing the building every day, and doing small jobs around the church, like setting up tables and chairs for meetings and shoveling the walks when it snows.  (And let's be real-- Jedi will be doing most of that. Ahem.) Pretty sweet!

This ALSO means that we get to rent out my condo, which has been driving me crazy with worry... we've been wanting to get out of my condo for awhile, but we could never make the math add up. One of my big worries was that if we rented out the condo, and then we got locked into our own rental someplace else, if we had a tenant flake out-- or if the condo sat vacant for 3-4 months-- we would basically wipe out our savings. We wouldn't be able to pay the rent on another place AND cover the costs of the mortgage on my condo.  Which basically left us paralyzed and stuck where we were...

But now we can move out, not have to worry about covering both costs (because we could if we needed to), and hopefully build up enough of a nest egg so that if/when we move out of the church apartment we'll have enough of a cushion to cover the carrying costs on the condo to rent it out without having to worry.

PHEW!!!

Additionally, with the internship coming up in the spring I may... just may... have to quite my part-time job.  I really don't want to, because I quite enjoy it.  But I'm having trouble seeing how I can make the scheduling work.... 2 days a week for classes (driving 1.5 hours each way), 10 hours at the clinic at school, 20 hours a week at the internship site (driving 1.5 hours each way in a different direction), and then 20 hours a week at my part time job.   The part time job is pretty zen and gives me lots of reading time... but it's the sleeping time and driving time I'm worried about... as in, I'm not a good driver, and I fall asleep behind the wheel.  *sigh*  I've looked into public transportation, but the options aren't good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that some sort of carpool might materialize... but, I won't worry about that for now.

For now, I'll just be happy that we're moving...!  Eventually!... Not for a couple of months still-- which is actually good, since that gives me time to get rid of my junk pack some of my precious belongings.  Hey, with the holidays coming up, the opportunities for regifting are endless!

Feeling Groovy

So we fought the law and... we won?

My cohort and I staged a little mini-revolution this past week.  The requirements for some of our classes (the online ones in particular) were INSANE. So, we rebelled, and called a meeting, and presented a list of demands, and it seems like the school has backed down. Yea!

Lest you think we are a chronically lazy bunch, please believe that the requirements were whackadoodle.  For example-- We had 3 group projects due PER WEEK (group projects in an online course? Whose brilliant idea was this?), 2-4 major writing assignments per week, 3 forum posts due per week, and 200+ pages of reading due per week (plus often a video or two to respond to.)  We are taking FIVE classes, and these are the recs for just ONE, and we have about 10 hours of clinic work on top of that, and then whatever else life throws at us.... (I can't even imagine my colleagues with kids... One woman in my classes has 3 kids under the age of 5 and is doing all of this. Insanity!)  The major thing though was that the assignments weren't particularly useful-- they felt like "check box" assignments to make sure that we had done our reading.  I think this is because it's the first time the school is doing online courses, and they're really not sure how to deal with it.

So, our cohort had our meeting, and we got them to significantly modify the workload and streamline it. Yea!

The reason I'm feeling groovy though is because I've been talking to a woman who was a recent graduate of the MA portion of the program I'm in.  Jedi and I have been talking, and I think I've come to the conclusion that if I can't get someone else to pay for the PhD, I'm going to be done with school-- it just doesn't make financial sense to continue, I think, in other circumstances.  The school I'm currently at, I can continue with the PhD there, but financially I just don't think I'll want to.

Well, the recent alumna is in a great program that not only covers the cost of the PhD, but also offers an amazing stipend-- $25k.  (As I was talking to her my ears perked up wildly when I heard that!) They do only accept 2-3 people a year, which is not surprising given the incentives. The work done is also pretty interesting-- it's the only program in the country that has this particular focus, so it's pretty unique, which gives it's graduates a nice niche. She gave me some great advice too, and one of them was to do my upcoming Spring internship at a regional hospital that is affiliated with this PhD program to up my future chances.  So, you know how I like plans... It's nice to have something to plan towards!

Jedi is also rooting for this particular program over others I'm looking at because it's in his childhood hometown. (Not that most of his friends live there anymore, mind you!)  When I mentioned the program he was ready to start packing boxes then and there-- (which speaks more to how ready he is to move out of where we are now, I think, than to anything else actually!)

So, feeling good, finding a routine, making plans for the future...

The little things

Time for a little schmaltz.  It's been awhile, right?  I try to keep it off facebook for the most part, because I know how annoying it is to read "kisskisshughugsmoochsmooch" from couples all the time.  It's like-- ugh! What are you trying to prove.

And I'm NOT trying to prove how "in love" Jedi and I are, mostly because I think that's dumb. Love isn't a contest or a zero-sum game.  But what I DO want the world to know is how fucking amazing Jedi is.  I would write that shit on facebook everyday if I didn't think everyone would defriend me. (And believe me, enough people have already defriended me for my political posts. Heh.)

Jedi  is just the most incredibly thoughtful person you could ever hope to meet. He is always thinking about someone other than himself-- and yes, that often includes me (which is an awesome feeling)-- but it's definitely not limited to me.  He's often thinking about the nice things he can do for his sister, or his mom, or my nephew, or the people in his office.

For me? Doing nice things is just second nature.  He scrapes my car windshield in the mornings even though he takes the bus.  He makes me tea, even though he doesn't drink tea.  He always carries in the groceries and puts them away. He is always asking if I want a back rub or a foot rub (ok, he often asks for those too... :-)  He never needs to be asked to do anything-- he just does it out of loving kindness... chores that should be mine, like feeding the dog, or picking up after her-- if he notices I haven't gotten to it, he'll just do it, and never say a word about it.   He always calls and texts to make sure I got to school and work safely, he sends me notes to tell me how much he loves me, he remembers the anniversary of the day we met and reminds me every month that it was the happiest day of his life.

He's a hot nerdy feminist, and he's all mine.  And, amazingly enough, HE thinks HE'S the lucky one to have found ME! I don't know how I managed THAT Jedi mind trick.

Breathing

School is hard.  This week I have 3 ten page papers due, a group project, a chapter outline, and 3 discussion forum posts due.... and that's for ONE class.  Out of 5 classes.  I won't even bother to list what I have due in my other classes.

I've also started seeing therapy clients, which was slightly nerve-wracking at the beginning, but I was pleased that my supervisor didn't call into my sessions once (she called in to one of my other classmate's sessions 3x!), and after my first session she told me she was proud of me, and that I could do my next sessions with only video supervision (instead of having her there live.) So, I feel like that's a pretty good stamp of approval.

And I feel like I'm running around all over the place trying to get things done, and failing, and letting Jedi down (especially with housework--because I've NEVER been good with that, but since I'm home more I should really be better, but I find that I'm still insanely busy, and so I'm not... And I always really suck at housework.)

But here's the good thing too.  For all that I'm stressed with school, for all that I'm stressed about the future, and where I'll get an internship, and where I should go to school next.... I find that I'm breathing easier.

That tightness that comes from always feeling like you're watching what you say? It's gone.  That feeling you have when you're always watching your back? It's gone.  Not having to deal with two-faced, backstabbing people? That will make you breathe easier.

The next couple of years will be tough-- Jedi keeps asking me, when will we finally have a life that feels "settled?" ( I don't know the answer to that actually, because my student-loan-repayment plan will probably have us feeling unsettled for awhile, actually.)  But I feel really good about the choice to go into a profession that will, at the end of the line, give me a lot more latitude and freedom with what I want to do with my life, and will also give me the freedom to decide which types of people I want to surround myself with.

And doesn't everyone need more breathing room? Ahhhhh....

Plans, plans, plans

I'm a planner at heart.  However, the best laid plans... ha!  And as you can tell from the blog title, my plans  have a way of making God laugh.

I was thinking about plans on 9/11 because, well, who doesn't remember what they were doing, or exactly what type of person they were in that moment-- it's a very 'crystallized in time' kind of moment, you know?  Mostly I can't believe how long it's been since it happened, and I also can't believe that THIS is my life.



THIS? My 19 year old self says to my now-self.
 Yes. This. 
Really? THIS?
Yes. THIS.

Not that THIS is bad, in a lot of ways, THIS life is pretty great.  If I hadn't lived this life I would never have met Jedi, and he is wonderful and more than I could ever have hoped for in a partner. (Well, other than the independently wealthy part .  Drat.)

And I feel like I have accomplished a lot in the past 11 years-- I've had as many careers as most people have had in a life time-- I've  been a costume designer, real estate agent, a carnival worker, a radio DJ, a secretary, an event planner, a student adviser. I've gotten my second masters... (and am now working on my 3rd... what? um...)I've lived in France, I've lived in Ireland, I bought a condo, I got a dog; I met and married an amazing man.... not bad actually.

So why do I still feel like I let my 19 year old self down?  I guess I pictured myself more as living in Europe living a bohemian lifestyle, working in theater...

And yet... I DID that!  And I kind of hated it.  I mean, I loved it, but I hated the insecurity of it.  On some level I love the idea of adventure more than the reality of it-- at the end of the day, the comfort of my own bed and my own comfortable surroundings are a powerful draw, moreso than never knowing where my next pay check is coming from, where I'll be sleeping from one night to the next.

But there's a part of me that still has a bit of that wanderlust, and as I keep thinking about what my next steps are (because they're coming up faster than I can imagine!) I am torn between staying where I am-- in my comfortable surroundings, where in-laws and family, and established friendships are--- or making a leap for the unknown and uprooting us for the exotic shores of....Canada? Maybe :-)  Socialized medicine is a powerful draw!

Time Flies

Kicking off the 6th week of classes now, can you believe it? I certainly can't.  Not that I need more excuses for my already sparse posting schedule, but given the crapload of work I'm doing for this program, and the amount of writing I'm doing, it's amazing I have the energy to finish thisssssssdaksdml dsalkfm

Sorry, what was I saying?  Oh, yeah, CRAP TON.

On the plus side, I feel like I'm getting my grove back.  If there's one thing I'm good at, it's school, and so far I'm really good at this... to too my own horn, can I toot my own horn with you, anonymous internet peeps?  Some of my classmates were comparing grades on a paper we got back (they don't use A-F, they use a 5-1 scale), and most people got 4s and 3s, and the Prof (from a different class) told them those were great scores, not to worry, no one gets a 5, if you "get a 5, it means your paper was so good  you could have taught the class on it."

Well, anonymous internet peeps...?  I've gotten 5s on all my papers so far. Whee!  (Don't worry, I haven't told my classmates ;-p  We'll keep this between us.) (Also, for those concerned about the lax quality of this program, rest assured that I compose my papers with more care than I do these blog posts.)

Ok, the papers are killing me though, because there's a 10-20 page paper due each week thus far, and I've come down with some flu-like horribleness, and my job is driving me slightly nuts because I'm still on training and while I'm on training I'm working every day instead of the 3 day a week schedule I'm supposed to be on (which will give me more time for those papers!)

But, well, I'm feeling pretty ok right now. Better than I was.  And I have to kind of laugh everytime I see my downtrodden colleagues. I mean, yeah, sure, they're eating at fancy restaurants instead of on a diet of Ramen, but at the same time they're dealing with some ever-increasing amounts of bullshit, and I'm breathing the bullshit free air... and that feels pretty damn good.

Free at last... free at last...

Attrition rate

In cleaning out my office today I came across an old staff picture.  Of 13 former coworkers, only 3 people in that picture still remain employed in my office.  Over the past 3 years, if I'm doing that math correctly (which I totally might not be), that's an attrition rate of 76%.

Still, that's a pretty staggering number.

The Ph.D plan

Or, letting the Universe plan it out plan...

The nice thing about the program that I'm going into, which is what appealed to me about it last year when I was looking at it, is the kind of 2-for-1 combo deal (ok, it's not really that... because you still have to pay for the 2...)

As you may have realized, the Universe, God, Higher Power, etc obviously has other plans than I have for myself oftentimes, so I'm trying to be open to that. This program allows for some of that flexibility.

 The program that I'm going into has an MA built into the Ph.D program (and yes, this will be my 3rd MA... ahem...).  What's really nice about this is that I can be licensed and practice with just the MA, but then if/when I want to continue on it will count toward the Ph.D program.  One of the reasons I gravitated towards this model vs. the PsyD, for example, was... frankly, I'm getting up there in age.  If Jedi and I plan to have kids, we need to start trying in the next few years.  The MA would be a logical sort of 'break' point, since I could get a job in my field, and then potentially when kids are in school, continue onward with the Ph.D  Or, if kids are not in our cards, then just keep continuing on for the Ph.D generally.

Anyway, that's sort of the thought process at the moment.

Choosing my choice

The funny thing about being sad and angry about leaving my dysfunctional workplace is that it's easy to lose sight of the fact that I made the choice to leave.  I wasn't forced out. I wasn't fired. I wasn't "let go." I wasn't "asked to resign."

It was just water torture.  Death by a thousand paper cuts.

While the work itself hadn't changed, the way in which I was being asked to do my work was so convoluted, so clearly designed to be deliberately frustrating, insulting, belittling, ridiculous, and at cross-purposes to all good practices that it made no sense to continue.

But I could have continued.  But I chose not to.

In fact, one of my colleagues in HR told me that many people do continue, for years in some instances, in such circumstances.  The mind boggles.

Coming to work every day should be invigorating, exciting.  I take pride in what I do.  In fact, I'm fucking amazing at what I do, and I love it, which is why it's hard to leave. But I can't take pride in this.

I have to shake my head at my colleagues who are choosing to stay under an ever tightening grip of an administration, and who think that they are the sand that is somehow going to slip through the fingers instead of the shells that are going to get crushed.  And maybe they are... or maybe, they just are quietly planning their escape.

Collaboration, openness, dialogue, honesty, light, transparency, exchange, those are all things I need.

And it's difficult, because there are glimmers every once in a while... there are new people who say the right things, who say that will happen... and then. No.  Squashing and squelching of dissent. Backbiting, lying, maneuvering, politicking, squelching of innovation and independent thought...

I choose my choice to leave, but that doesn't mean I'm not sad about it.  Because I see the potential, I see what it could be, if enough people in power were actually willing to have a backbone and integrity.

I choose my choice and I'm scared about the future. I'm scared about student loans (yes, I have a plan to pay them off, but that plan goes to hell if in Nov. 2012 we have President Romney who decides to gut the budget).  I'm scared that Jedi will come to resent our new lifestyle that no longer includes such luxuries as heat over 65 degrees or beef.

But I choose my choice, because the alternative involves too many ethical sacrifices, and that's no choice at all.

Food for thought

I came across this comment on one of my favorite blogs today, and it's been sticking with me...


"It’s so hard to get up everyday and go to a job that is frustrating and toxic. It’s so easy to say “leave it at work” however, when it’s that toxic, it affects everything in your life. The toxicity becomes a way of life. I ran this topic past my husband (because I swear the OP and I work at the same company) and he said it’s similar to a convict wanting to stay in jail – they’ve become institutionalized. It’s all they know. Of course they want to leave, however many end back in jail because it’s all they know.
...When you resign yourself to accepting your circumstances and realize it’s your choice, you do become happier. [snip]
Change is so scary sometimes and fear gets in our way of good change. I hope you take this opportunity to better yourself and your future."

The question the original poster posed is not related to my situation, but the piece about "being the only thing you know" and it being scary to leave that, resonated with me.  Something to ponder.

Tuition & then some

So, it's official. I'm going back to school full time. I feel good about that. I'm going back to a program that in March of 2011 I had made the decision not to attend because to do so would have meant that I would have had to quit my job, and I just couldn't fathom quitting my job.

And then I was upset with that decision and back in August of that year I had decided to reapply.  And then I had withdrawn my application because I just couldn't justify the uncertainty of being in school fro 2 years full time while Jedi was still trying to figure out his own life.

And then my work turned to crazy-town a few months ago. As, in everyone lost their fucking minds.  And I could stay in this mess, but if I did, I would lose my mind too. And it's fucking water-torture to be here as it is.  And right around the time everyone lost their minds, the school I had originally wanted to attend contacted me to say, "hey, we still have your materials on file..."

And so, I applied.  And I got it. And I am going.  And I am leaving these lunatics to their lunacy.  And I feel good about that.

What I don't feel good about is money.

I have a part time job, and I have the financial aid lined up-- but, oh, lordy, lord do I see how people get into the financial aid messes in this country, and I pray I will not be one of them.  This program will cost $50k to complete.  It's a 2-year program, and it will cost $50k total.  They are letting me borrow $44k for the first year.  Now, I realize I don't have to take it, but I do wonder how many students get into trouble with this type of thing and end up borrowing $88k for what should be a $50k diploma.  Far too many, I think.

But I am worried about money-- I've done the "watered down vegetable soup & toast" every day for 2 weeks dinner far too often in my life. When I was a kid, that was most of my childhood.  I can actually handle that. Deprivation is nothing new to me-- school lunch tickets, toys for tots, sleeping in the car with blankets on the windows in Wal-Mart parking lot. That was my childhood.  Jedi? Every time he went to the store, he came home with a new toy.  If his mom was poor for a very brief period of his childhood, he sure doesn't remember it.  And so, I hate having to be the bad guy all the time, telling him, "No, you can't buy that root beer, because it costs $1.99, and that's not in the budget."  But it's true, and we can't.

But, it's not even 2 years. It's 18 months. And it's for the greater good in the end.  And, God might be up there laughing, because this sure wasn't my plan, but I have to pray that it's the right one.

A year ago I couldn't have predicted this... but 2 years ago, I couldn't have predicted that a year ago I'd be getting ready for my wedding right around this time.  Who knows where I'll be a year from now.  I've learned not to bother making plans...

A moment for sappiness

I interrupt your usual program of angst and kvetching to say how wonderful Jedi is, once more.

I really don't know how I got so lucky. You know the song from The Sound of Music, "Something Good?"  I often joke that in a past life I must have done something good, because I certainly haven't done anything in this life that would warrant the love, patience, kindness, generosity, and unfailing goodness he shows me every day.

exhausted

Disappointing

I think the most disappointing part about being a grown up is the realization about how many people never out-grew junior high.  So many of them, stuck in a loop, re-living it, over, and over, and over, and over again, and dragging you down with them, against your will.  It's exhausting, and pathetic.  And I just look at them, over there, with the most toys, smugly on the top of the pyramid, and think to myself, "So the fuck what? Great. Now you have the most toys. You can't take it with you."  I'm so, so, so tired of it all.  And so disappointed in people.

Just for fun

I came across this site a year or so ago, and while I've never been one much for Tarot readings, I thought I would give it a try.  Since then, I've kept coming back to it.  I've found one deck to be eerily accurate in my life.  I'm not a huge believer in things like this, I believe people read into it whatever situations they happen to find themselves in... and yet, with some decks in doesn't work, and with one deck it always seems to be spot-on.

So, waste a little time.  Give it a try, if you're in the mood.

Flowering

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

God is laughing

"The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry," - Burns


I know this blog is often silent because it's "same old, same old, nothing to see here" kind of stuff going on in my life. Work is cyclical, Jedi is wonderful and loving and constant, but that doesn't make for good drama in writing...

That is not why I've been silent lately however.  Right now so much is going on I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane and who knows what the landscape will look like once the winds settle down. 

I had a plan for my life.  If you may recall, this time last year I was actually struggling between a couple different plans and decided on plan B.  We'll call it plan B because it wasn't what I really wanted to do, but it was what made the most sense to do.  It was to go to school to get an Ed. D, to continue working full time, to have Jedi continue working part-time while he went to school.  Plan A would have meant that I would have to quit a job I love to go back to school full time for a program I was really interested in but I just couldn't justify the cost or the time and the cost/benefit analysis didn't make sense. 

What's that? Oh, do you hear God laughing? I think I do...  Let's just say that recent events have conspired to make Plan A an almost inevitable choice at this point.

And that's cool.  And fucking scary. And great. But terrifying. And in the long run will mean that I get to have a really wonderful job (ahem, assuming I can get a job), but I have to go through a lot of years of uncertainty first.  And that uncertainty is freaking me out.

I have to make a choice pretty soon.  Leap? Or spend my life wishing I had?

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity

For Posterity

I've had a rough week.  Really rough.  To give you an example, one of our senior administrators just recently quit her job and dyed her hair bright pink as a big ole middle finger to the powers that be.  Her issues are not my issues (other than indirectly) but I understand her impulse and I envy her chutzpah.  I feel like giving a lot of people around here the middle finger.

But that's neither here nor there as far as this particular blog is concerned.  My rough week led me to take an impromptu vacation for my own mental health (and to keep me from saying something rash, which given my mortgage would not be wise...)

I usually leave Jedi a note on his pillow when I go away on trips, and I didn't realize how much it meant to him until he mentioned being sad that I'd left so quickly I hadn't left one this time around.

And so, I sent him this email instead, which I'm putting on the blog for posterity.

I can't say it enough, but I know I don't say it as often as I should, I really have the best husband in the world.

Dearest Jedi,

While I may not have left this on your pillow, I'm thinking about you as I go to sleep tonight.  When I think back to when we first met, I never could have imagined how much I would grow to trust you, to rely on you, to love you with all my heart.  You are so much a part of me that its only when you're not with me that I realize how much of me is missing with you gone.

You are thoughtful and kind and loving in everything that you do, and if I live a hundred years I'll never be able to repay the kindness you've shown me in these 3 short years we've been together.  Thank you for your patience, and for your concern, and for your gentleness.  You've softened my edges and smoothed out my rough spots, even though I know I still have a long ways to go.  Thank you for telling me, always, that it will be all right.  It will be, as long as I have you by my side.  You are not my rock-- you are my soft place to land.

I love you tttthhhhheeeessseee much, and you will always be my favorite.

Xoxoxo

Kids

An open note to family and friends:

Please shut the fuck up about how "if you wait to have money to have kids, you'll never have kids!"  Hardee Har Har.

Are you going to pay for us to move our of our (can barely afford it now) 1 bedroom apartment?  Are you going to pay for day care? And diapers? and a car seat... (let alone the new car we need since our 2002 nissan is on its last legs...)... and crib... and clothing... and whatever else the fuck a baby needs?  Not to mention all the things a toddler needs... all the things a kindergartener needs... all the things a middle schooler needs....

Oh, no? You're not going to pay for any of those things for us?

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Having been one of those kids who grew up without money, let me just say... We kids know there's no money, and we know it fucking sucks.  We know it sucks not to have money to go on fieldtrips and have to be a charity case... we know it sucks to have to be on the free lunch program at school when we hand over our tickets and everyone else hands over cash... we know it sucks when all our friends go to florida over spring break with their families and we're at home being latch-key kids... we know it sucks when for 2 weeks out of the month dinner is nothing but toast and eggs, every single day.

It fucking sucks, and I don't want my kids going through that. 

So seriously, unless you're prepared to pull out your check book, SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We couldn't do worse

Every time Jedi and I talk about having kids we come to the conclusion that now would not be a good time because of.... (take your pick: We are poor (ok, relatively speaking), we have no space, we have no time, we are working while finishing school... etc)

And then, oftentimes a story like THIS ONE hits the news and I think to myself, "Well, why the hell not. We certainly couldn't do worse."

Wanting the one who wants you

There's something compelling about wanting to be with someone who is kind of ambivalent about wanting to be with you, isn't there?  The, "can I prove I'm good enough so I'll be accepted"  of it all.  Or, as Groucho Marx would say, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member."Obviously something dark and twisted that's engrained in the human psyche.

I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, though there certainly is that.  I mean, part of the appeal of Muckraker was certainly the fact that he was hot and cold about even wanting to spend time with me.  If only I could convince him that he DID want to spend time with me, what a coup that would be!  Well, I learned my lesson and when Jedi came along and he was very clear that he thought I was the cat's meow and couldn't wait to be around me, though it felt strange, at that point I had realized it was better to be chased than be the one doing the chasing.

Why it took me so long to figure that out, I don't really know.  I also don't know why it took me so long to figure out that it was also applicable to friendships as well.  Again, probably something deep, dark, and twisted in my psyche has often led me to be the one to be chasing after friends, inviting them over, inviting them out to do things.... all the while putting people who actually DO want to do things on the back burner.

I have a friend who has been my friend since we were in 5th grade.  We even lived together in college.  She knows me as well as Jedi does (living with a person will do that to you), and she's always been a great friend to me.  And yet... she's always been kind of an afterthought-- just THERE, present, you know?  She super fun, loyal, funny, amazing... and yet there are things about her that never made me consider her a good friend for some reason.  Our interests were different, our backgrounds different, totally different values, etc... and yet, she was the one who was there for me when I needed her.  And, in hindsight, I was probably a crappy friend-- because I viewed her, for some unfathomable reason, as a second tier friend.  I recently saw this friend again and I was like-- what had I been thinking? What an idiot I was! She's AMAZING, and I was the idiot who was looking for someone who was... just not that into me.  (but that's the appeal, the "just not into me" part, since obviously I'm not really "into me" either, and so we have that in common.

I've realized this pattern has continued to this day and it's really dumb.  And so, I've vowed to change it.  There's a woman at work who has always been very friendly, and we've hung out in a group and she's asked me to get together a few times, but I've always blown her off.  Not because I don't like her, but because I wonder what we could possibly have in common.  I realize how short-sighted I've been and I've asked her to get together this week.  Who knows, this could be the start of something beautiful.

At the very least, it's made me re-evaluate myself, and that's always a good thing..

 

You and Me Against the World, Baby

The best part about marriage, in my humble opinion, is that I know it's Jedi and I against the world.

The world has been kind of a bitch lately.  Ok, not as much as it has been in the past-- I've definitely experienced worse.  But it's been bad lately - I feel stressed and overwhelmed because I'm doing 2 jobs and getting paid for one, and we're behind on bills, and we will never have enough money to move out of our 600sq ft apartment that has crazy NYC prices even though we live in the middle of nowhere. I'm also starting grad school in August and I'm worried about making the right choice and about taking out student loans... hell if I can't pay off my $5k of credit cards, what makes me think I can pay off $45k of student loans I might take on? So I'm worried about that.

And I'm just generally super depressed-- I'm feeling a bit like Mindy Kaling book cover these days:

Cause really? Are they? It kind of feels that way too. 

And Jedi, my amazing Jedi, is so kind and loving and thoughtful.  But I know he's stressed and depressed too. He's working 5 jobs (not an exaggeration) to try and make ends meet, as well as going to school part time.  It's not good for him-- even if he loved those jobs. But his main job, he hates-- (And his boss is a crazy person who nearly drove Jedi to quit today.)

And so I just wonder... will there ever be a point when we're not stressed about money? about space? about jobs? about school? ... cause I feel like I've been stressed about that forever, and I'm just at my breaking point.

My therapist upped my sessions to 2-3 days a week, which is good, but I hate having to do it. 

So, it feels like the world is crumbling around me, which is half-true, and half-in my head. (But as Dumbledore would say, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry, but why should that mean that it's not real?"

But in the midst of all this, I have Jedi. And he has me. And we have each other.  And I ask him to tell me that everything will be okay, and he does. And he asks me to tell him the same thing, and I do.

Hate the new blogger

Sorry... For those of you still with me out there... I know things are wonky. Damn new blogger layout. I will try to fix in the next few days, but I'm on an iPad now.

Wait a minute...

Me, doing laundry : I'm sorry I'm not one of those good wives who irons and starches. Jedi: Me too. Me: wait a minute... Hey! Jedi, shrugs: Just being honest.

Movie Night

A few nights ago Jedi and I were watching the (really terrible) remake of The Three Musketeers.  In the film d'Artagnan undertakes a heroic and perilous journey (spies, swordfights, flying zepplin-like ships(!?! WTF)) for the love of a comely maiden.

I turned to Jedi and asked, "Would you do all of that to win my love?"

He responded, "Yes... And I would die in the process."

Bobbing along...

Jedi loves to take baths.  I also love to take baths, but I haven't taken a bath in many years due to the miniscule size of our bathtub. (Rest assured, I shower.)

Jedi tells me he's going to get in the tub.  I nod, sort of absentmindedly, as I continue reading on my ipad.

About 10 minutes later I hear this coming from the bathroom:

I take a peak in the bathroom, and he's just singing and splashing around happily.

He cracks me up.  He makes me happy.

Ask and ye shall recieve

Late one night, Jedi and I were talking and he was telling me in a round-about way that he felt I wasn't demonstrative enough with affection.

"You need to be more direct," I told him. "Just tell me what you want."

He paused for a moment. 

"Get over here and spoon me, bitch!"

 (I still crack up every time I think about it.)

One line a day

I've never been one much for journaling. This blog, after all, started out as a place to tell funny stories about terrible dating adventures, and I was a pretty consistent writer when I had those stories to tell.  Now it's all either -angst-what-to-do-with-my-life crap or lovey-dovey crap, that is not very entertaining to read.

A week or so ago I bought an interesting journal that is a five-year, one-line-a-day journal.  I can do that, I thought. I can write one line a day.  And so I have! Yippee. (Talk to me again in 5 years!)

And so, I was thinking to myself, maybe I should re purpose this blog too. Instead of treating it as a journal, I'll regale you with amusing (or, at least, amusing to ME) anecdotes about my life with Jedi.

Funny (to me) tales forthcoming...

Limbo isn't just a party game

So, part of the reason I haven't been posting lately is because I feel like I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I've been thinking about that this month a lot because I deferred grad school to the summer. Mostly what I deferred was the decision about whether or not to go to grad school.

Do I WANT an Ed.D? Meh. Not really. Am I interested in it? Not at all.

That would seem to be the answer, right? Except well...

Is an Ed.D (and specifically this program) the most logical choice for a next step? Yes. Is it the easiest next step? Yes. Is it the most cost-effective, least life-disrupting step? Yes.

I've been told I'm ambitious, which I actually find rather funny. My ambitions, such as they are, actually are modest.  All I want is a job that makes enough to support me and Jedi and also offers life flexibility so that I can have kids and spend time with them, while still also enjoying my work. So, the holy grail of jobs. ha!  The Ed.D. is just a means to an end which would allow me to take a job in a higher paying bracket, but also potentially just work part time but keep earning what I currently earn. That's my dream.

The campus flag was flown at half mast today for a professor who died. I read a little bit about him-- and I couldn't help but think as I read all about his wonderful accomplishments, "Well, he's still dead."  Yup. And so will we all be someday.  All his great deeds and research  and accolades couldn't stop death.  I don't know anything about him. I hope he did what he loved in life, which is a worthy goal. 

But to achieve for the sake of impressing others? To hold a high position to be able to... what?... have a corner office? Have lots of underlings who tremble when I pass by?  No thanks.  And I think that's why some people think I am contemplating going back to school, but it couldn't be further from the truth.  I want the degree because hopefully it will give me more flexibility to be able to spend time on things I really care about.

I keep thinking about having kids. I keep thinking about the end of my life.  When I die which would I regret most? Not having kids? Or not having a doctorate?  It's not even a close race.

And so, I keep thinking, "Well, maybe we should have kids now!" We have grown-up jobs, insurance, family support in town... They say there's no good time to have kids, but this doesn't seem like a terrible one.  I keep reading articles about decreasing fertility in one's 30s and I hear that clock ticking.  So, I think to myself, maybe we should just go for it!

And then I remember we have hardly any money. Which is why I want an Ed.D. To be able to support a family and let Jedi be a stay at home (work part time) dad.  But if I go for the Ed.D and then I'm not able to have kids in the future due to my age... (or whatever)... would I regret it terribly? Yes I would.  But it's possible we can't have kids now! Anything's possible... maybe we'd try for a couple years with no luck... during which time I could have earned my Ed.D.

(There's always the - Have a kid AND do the Ed.D at the same time! Which seems like the worst of both worlds, definitely!)

Well, anyway, these are the thoughts that keep going around and around and around in my head at the moment. I keep weighing pros and cons and can't seem to come out in favor of one or the other.  Jedi is completely onboard in either case, so he's not much help in the decision making process.

Logic seems to dictate going ahead and doing the Ed.D and THEN having kids when we're not struggling financially.  Which makes sense...

... and then I watch Teen Mom and think, "Fuck it! If those idiots can do it, surely I can too!"  (Not the soundest reasoning, I'll grant you that.

All that to say that I feel like I"m in limbo. I'm just waiting for a sign, something which will push me in one direction or the other.  I'm just gonna keep on waiting for right now...