Something Wonderful or When the Universe Sends You A Sign

I'm a huge believer in signs. I'm a lapsed Baptist, and not quite religious, but at the same time I do believe there's a higher power up there.

Even as I feel like it's the height of human arrogance to think that God intervenes directly in individual lives, I also can't help thinking that God (or one of his/her agents) also gives us nudges in the right direction. I know, I know-- how do I reconcile these seemingly contradictory beliefs? I don't know, but I do.

And I do believe that there have been times in my life when I've been nudged in the right direction. When I follow the direction of those signs, things seem to unfold in my life in a pretty magical way, where things just fall into place. (Yes, I know, many people think these things could be random coincidences, wishful thinking, etc... But somehow, sometimes, things just feel RIGHT, and as much as I hate to sound like Dubya, you just know it's right in your gut.)

Now that I've prefaced that, let me share with you a little story that took place immediately after the previous exchange.

After Jedi gave me the red scarf, he said, "Hold on. I got you something else. Maybe you'll like this better."

I opened it up. It was the book Something Wonderful.
Yes, this is a trashy romance novel... but hey, I'm a smart bitch who loves trashy books. And this book? This author? Both TOPS in the genre.

I looked at Jedi in surprise.

He explained, "While you were sleeping I looked at the books on your bookshelf and noticed you had a lot of books by this author. I wrote down the names of the books and made sure I got you one that you didn't have. Do you like it?"

Dear reader, I loved it. Not just because it was an insanely thoughtful gesture-- because it certainly was that-- but because it was so much more than that, though Jedi had no way of knowing it. In fact, until writing this post, even I didn't know it.

You see, I did already own this book. However, I lost it somewhere along the way. This summer I was looking for it, but couldn't find it.

The reason this was so meaningful was because of this post... from which I'll quote (And I'm realizing I repeat myself an AWFUL lot! And make the same lame-o jokes again and again! Apologies!):

It may sound crazy, but for most things in my life I've just KNOWN... somehow, KNOWN in my gut (not to be all George Dubya about it...) when I'm going in the right direction.

I'm just waiting for Something Wonderful.* Whether that's with a job or with a partner, I believe that in the end I'll know it's the right one-- that I'm on the right path-- because it will feel so very right. (Yes, I know I'm single in large part due to my own issues, which I've talked about at length, but I also feel that somehow I'll just KNOW when I meet the right one. Call me silly, but every single member of my family... (other than my own parents)... has said that when they met their spouse they just "knew" when they first met them. There are several people in my family who got married on their first date-- no joke.)

A few days before Jedi gave me this book, I had asked the universe for a sign I was on the right path.

When I opened that book, I thought to myself, ok-- this seems like a sign, but it could just be coincidence.

When I looked at the date I wrote the previous post about waiting for "Something Wonderful," and even referencing that exact book, I was rather shocked to realize I wrote those words the DAY BEFORE I met Jedi.

Call it coincidence. Call it wishful thinking. Generally being a skeptic, I wouldn't normally disagree with you.

But for me? In my gut? It feels like a sign I'm on the right track.

Thanks, Universe.

Not quite the gift of the Magi...

Jedi had a gift for me under the tree that he was totally hopped up about. It was in a gift bag and he kept admonishing me not to peek inside... all the while saying things like, "I've been wanting to get you this since we met!" "I can't wait to see your face!" "I really hope you love it!"

I finally said, "Do you WANT me to open it now?"

He said, "No. No... Do YOU want to open it now?" Eager puppy-dog look.

So, of course, we agreed to exchange just one gift...

(Now, I should mention that the gift that I exchanged with him at this particular time is one that I'd sneakily gone to his mother to find out that he wanted. It was a video game that is rather hard to find.

The Saturday before this particular exchange Jedi had asked his mother if she'd gotten him the game for Christmas. She apparently had a totally blank look and didn't know which game he was talking about. Jedi spend TWO DAYS driving me CRAZY talking about how he should just buy himself the game because he'd be so disappointed if he didn't get it for Christmas, and how it's impossible to find, and his mother wouldn't even know where to look, and his life would be over if he didn't get this game, etc. etc. (Ok, yes, there's a bit of hyperbole in there, but I was ready to STRANGLE him.)

Meanwhile I had already ordered and received the game. I had made him promise not to buy it for himself before Christmas and told him to have more faith in his family, but he was totally still a pouty-mcpoutypants about the whole thing. Driving me NUTS I tell you!)

But, back to that mysterious bag...

Jedi watches me intently as I open the bag... (frankly, I was a little worried there was a ring or something in there...)

And I pull out a ....
Yes. A Red, Wool Scarf.

Was this a joke, I wondered...

I shook the bag a little to be sure I wasn't missing something.

I put on my best, "Oh, grandma got me underwear for christmas and I have to thank her" face.

Or, otherwise known as "Present Face."


Well, he could read my present face and was all disappointed. "You don't like it, do you?"

"No! It's not that! It's great... it's just... Um... What made you choose this for me?"

He said, "Well, ever since we met, I noticed you're always wearing scarves, and I've wanted to get one for you..."

Light Bulb Going On

"Ooooh. Um. Babe, I wear Pashminas... you know, shawls?"

(Example!)


(What can I say-- I know they're no longer "in style" but frankly I think it's a look that never goes out of style. And they're so practical!)


Poor guy. He spent the night apologizing (ridiculously so, and I told him that...I felt so bad that I wasn't able to better disguise my dislike... but I was so surprised!)

He offered to take it back, but I told him I wanted to keep it as a memento-- and I do.

I then gave him his gift...

His response? (Besides childlike wonder and glee?)

"Damn. I'd better step it up."

No worries, dear reader, he stepped it up. He stepped it up.

Details in the next post, because this one is long enough...

5th wheel...

Poor Jedi!

Last night I got together with a crowd from work that used to work together.... (and then, LAYOFFS! Grrr....)

It was supposed to be a large crowd, and the organizer specifically said partners/kids were invited... and she invited Jedi by name.

And then... people canceled or didn't show up and I didn't realize it was going to be such a smaller crowd. There ended up being only 4 women (including me!)... and Jedi! Whooops!

He sat quietly most of the time... which, frankly, I appreciated. He didn't complain, but I know it's not fun to sit and listen to people you don't know talk about other people you don't know. Whenever he opened his mouth to talk-- I wished he hadn't. (Is that terrible of me? Probably.)

Like I said, it's not that Jedi is dumb-- he's not. He's just uninformed in general--(which I'm working on. The nightly news now figures as part of our routine... shocking, I know.) The problem is that he'll join in on a conversation but be about 2 steps behind everyone else.... and not realize it. I admit it, it makes me cringe.

That wasn't so much the case last night (I can't expect him to be up on the details of evil coworker's baby, when the truth is that even I barely care about evil coworker's baby. Like I said-- terrible person. Feel free to throw tomatoes at your monitor,) but it's certainly the case most of the time when I bring him out in public.

It's weird-- in private, I don't mind his general lack of knowledge so much, because he IS curious and wants to learn-- he just hasn't been exposed to much. In public though I feel like it reflects poorly on me, and I just want to be like, "Stop talking!!!" (I know, I know--terrible person...!!!)

I know I'm in the early stages of the relationship and so I'm inclined to overlook things... but I do wonder if this will end up being a deal breaker. On the other hand, I also know that he generously overlooks many of my flaws. If the worst I can say about him is that he isn't up on current events, in the grand scheme of things, how important is that? The problem is that I don't know the answer yet.

I've grown accustomed to his face...

Has it been a whole week since I updated? Damn! Bad blogger! Bad! In my defense, this has been a HELLACIOUS week at work... (and awesomely, it only promises to get better in the new year...)

The hellaciousness (and impending layoffs!) at work have led me to be clicking incessantly on job sites looking for something else. But not just something else, something better... because as far as things go, objectively, I know my job (I'm an event planner) is one a lot of people would kill for. As for me? It just gives me an ulcer because I'm so high stress. Event planners need to be laid back people-- and I'm totally high strung. The "free" trips out to San Francisco or Florida in the middle of winter in the Northeast seems like an amazing perk to some people... FEH! It's not a vacation, believe me. It's very high stress.

But I digress... I have a pretty clear picture of what I want to do next. I feel like it would incorporate the aspects of the job I enjoy while doing away (or minimizing) the aspects I dislike. Ideally, I would like to stay with the same university I work with now, but working in the admissions office, but in general I feel like admissions work is something I would both be good at, would enjoy and find challenging... but I would not want to kill myself at the end of the day. (Always a plus!)

One other thing that I've been thinking a lot about is moving back overseas. I lived in France and in Ireland for many years, and now I'm settled in a quaint little town... and worried I'll end up spending the rest of my life here! I have a friend who is moving to Abu Dhabi... and I'm all like, "Pack me in your suitcase!"

Well, yesterday I saw two positions in an admissions office at a school in Paris posted. I was like, Hello, universe! Are you sending me a sign???

Except... well... Except... what about Jedi?

BELIEVE ME, I know I will not make life-altering decisions or make my life revolve around a guy. I promised myself that a long time ago.


But. Well. I know he wouldn't be able to come with me... not in the near future, and not in the far future either. He would have really no job prospects there (for a variety of reasons.) (Interestingly enough, he'd probably do better in Abu Dhabi than France since English is the lingua franca there.)


And while he wouldn't be the deciding factor... at this point... well, he's become a factor.

I did the whole living in France thing for 5 years. And while I love the city, I love my family there, I love the culture... I was terribly lonely and miserable. Not because I didn't have a guy (believe me, I know having a man/not having a man is not the root cause of my issues), but I know I spent an awful lot of time wishing I could just find someone who loves me....

...loves me the way Jedi already does.

... Yeah.

I spent 10 years being single. I mean, yeah-- sure, I dated a lot. But it never went anywhere-- and I sure as hell met a lot of frogs. Now that I met a guy who's not one, why do I want to run away from that? I'm thinking I don't want to run away right now,and, as my therapist pointed out, that's a hell of a lot of progress.

Jedi's not perfect, but I'm starting to think he might just be perfect for me.

I've grown accustomed to him. Having him around my house all the time seems normal. I miss him when he's gone (the horrors!). I enjoy his company, whether we're actively doing something or not. Ok, yeah... I know that some of you are probably thinking, "DUH! Dummy! This is what dating is about!!!"

But, well, it's new to me. So, let's go with it for awhile....


(Pssst! I am, however, going to be applying for those jobs. As Npapaya points out, we can cross that bridge when we come to it. And there are layoffs coming up! Gotta be prepared, right!?)

Let's revisit this in 6 months...

I talked to Ramses a bit, as well as my therapist... They confirmed what I was already feeling (well, in my therapist's case, that's her job)... that there's no need to rush into officially "moving in" ... (and yes, everything in this relationship has been very condensed, which both freaks me out, yet doesn't make me uncomfortable. I don't know how both things can be true, but they are.)

HOWEVER... I do know that I need to have a "come to God" talk with Jedi regarding money... not only because it's bugging me, but because it's one of those issues in a relationship that can ruin an otherwise good thing. Just need to get it all out on the table and set some kind of payment schedule or something... (Like, whenever you get a paycheck (2x/month) you leave $100 on my counter... or something.)

I don't know--- I did up my budget so he can see how much I'm in the hole every month (-$500... ouch! Due mostly cause of school right now, but even when I'm not in school, I'll still be barely breaking even-- -$25/month, but I supplement with babysitting.) I kind of get the impression that he thinks I'm rich because on paper I make so much more than he does...

We live in a CRAZY expensive area though, and since he's never lived on his own (always with parents or in a dorm) I just don't think he has a clue.

Example to this: For one of his classes he's going to need internet access next term. I don't have internet at my house (I refuse to get it as I know I would only end up doing work stuff over the weekend, which would lead to more stress.) Jedi asked if he could get it installed at my place, and he would pay for it.

I said sure, and he's said, "Great, when do you think you can get it installed." I was like- "Hold on, buck-o. Dealing with utility companies is a PITA. YOU'RE getting it installed."

He responded with, "But I don't know how someone goes about getting Internet installed."



It's at moments like this when I'm reminded not only of HOW YOUNG HE IS... (which is one thing)... But also HOW SHELTERED HE IS.

I was living on my own (ok, my parents helped support me, but I was bringing home $1500/month teaching English too) as of the age of 18. I'd moved to a foreign country by myself, I was in the middle of nowhere, I set up utilities, I rented an apartment, etc. etc. Yes, I had some help, but I find it mind-boggling that at the age of 22 someone doesn't know how to call up the cable company to have them install high-speed.

I *was* going to make him do it (I swear), but given how I've seen he's impulsive on other purchases, I decided to do it, so that I could wait for a good deal. (Those fliers with promotions come every month or so- sometimes offering a free netbook, even!)

I will however, put the bill entirely in his name. The kid's got to grow up and start paying them some time...

Another Big Question

Soooo..... Um.....

I've been seriously thinking about asking letting Jedi move in with me. (I say letting only because he wanted to move in about 2 weeks after we met.)

There are some major downsides to this--

The Cons:

First-- (and most importantly)-- It FREAKS me out. (I guess that should be the end of the post right there, huh?) But, well, it doesn't freak me out for any really logical reasons-- it just freaks me out because I'm someone who wants space-- emotional and physical.

Second- Space. As in, I really don't have any. I live in a 600 sq ft apartment-- 1 bed/1 bath. Where would I put his stuff?! Basically, I think I would move in an extra dresser, and move my coats out of the hall closet, but poor guy really wouldn't be able to move any books or anything else in. (Not that he minds... or so he says.)

Third - Yes, we've only been going out for 3 months. This could end tomorrow. If I don't let him move in, this could end pretty painlessly (in terms of logistics). If I let him move in, this could get really messy.


The Pros

First-- Call me mercenary if you must, but if Jedi moved in his share of the rent/utilities would be about $500. (That's adjusted using the Suze Orman % formula, whereby expenses are shared based on the percentage of income each person brings in-- So, Jedi would actually be paying 42% of expenses, and I'd be paying 58%) That... would be super helpful! I might actually be able to save something!

Because, well, let's face it-- yes, my expenses haven't really gone UP-- I'd be using the same amount of heat/cable etc... even if he wasn't here. And we unofficially split groceries, taking turns paying. But. Well. On some level, I do feel like I'm subsidizing his life. Other than a car, he really has no expenses.

If I start charging him for rent though... well... I can't exactly be like, "You need to go HOME," when I need alone time, now can I?

Second- He's neat and tidy and does dishes and bathrooms and makes dinner. (Which is more than I do.) That's a total bonus. (I worry though that once the novelty of playing house wears off this will lose its appeal.

Third-- (and yes, most importantly)-- I enjoy having him around 95% of the time. I miss him when he's gone. Even when I like having my bed to myself so I can stretch out... I find myself kinda missing him.

(Oh! And 4th! Total bonus!-- When he stays over I get to work on time because we carpool, and he has to be at work 30 minutes before I do.)

~~~~~~

So, what say you, internets? Where do you fall on the spectrum of yes or no?

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question...

At what point should I disclose I have a blog to Jedi?

I don't know that I should disclose at all.

On the one hand, if I had a diary it would be none of his business. And that's essentially what this blog is-- sort of a dating diary.

On the other hand... it's public. This wouldn't be an issue if only anonymous people read this, but I know some people who know Jedi offline read this. And maybe he wouldn't be too thrilled about that, though I do think I write mostly innocuous things about him.

I also think that telling him would have the effect of ending the blog (or at least ending honest writing about HIM... which, since he's the only one I'm currently seeing, would have that same effect.)

I don't think he'd be bothered by the blog--not really. But I do think he would bug me until I gave him the URL, which would mean measuring what I say about him a bit more.

On the other other hand, depending on how long this goes, he could end up being hurt that I didn't tell him about it.

So. What say you, internets? To tell, or not to tell?

Updates

Because I left my car at my grandparents' place when I drove Jedi to the hospital, I've been without a car for 2 weeks now. My Dad is bringing his trailer and dropping off my car on Saturday, but still-- that's a long time.

Because I've needed to use Jedi's car, he's not really gone home in the past 2 weeks. (Hence, part of my suspicion that this is a devious ploy to move in with me... (mostly kidding.)) I actually haven't gotten (too) sick of him, which is unusual. On the other hand, I'm discovering more and more of his annoying habits--- which, most, while endearing now, will drive me nucking futs in the near future, I can tell. One of those habits is that he falls asleep at 9pm... but he *seems* awake. As in, I'll be having a conversation with him.... and all of a sudden all I hear is, "Bfthhhht...."

It's not really snoring--- it's more like sleep-talking. So, I'll think I'm still carrying on a conversation with him, but his answers won't make any sense and he won't remember a thing I've said. Annoying!

Another annoying thing... (And I have no one but myself to blame for this...) is that we bought a Wii together. (I know, expensive purchase. I told him that when we break up he can visit it every other weekend. Ha ha! He didn't find that funny for some reason... ;-) Now, I know he's a hard-core gamer. I dabble in gaming. I enjoy it-- I can even get engrossed in a particular game or two-- Like Mario or Zelda-- but not to the point that I lose track of time and what's going on around me. Well-- let's just say that since we got the Wii.... there's a whole lot less attention on ME! Whereas before he would sit and watch a movie with me, or we'd make dinner together, now he's all, "Yeah, I'll be there in a few! Just give me a minute."

Sheesh. Shot myself in the foot with that one.

We had dinner with his parents and sister on Sunday. His mom made a really nice dinner, and decorated the house for Christmas. I really, really like his mom. She's very sweet and thoughtful... (and she's hemming some of my dresses!) We'd brought over the Wii to his parents' place and after dinner everyone played. I think I like his mom because in a some ways--- decorating style, cooking style-- she's a lot like my mom.... but she's a lot more low-maintenance than my mom, and a lot less judgemental.

I told Jedi that I'd love to do that every Sunday with his family (which he was excited about...But I told him I'm not inviting myself over.) I think he's going to ask his mom about making it a standing thing though.

So... all-in-all... things are pretty good and humming along!

Resurfacing Exs (and former flames)

Muckraker just called. Yanno. Just to chat. Just to shoot the breeze. Just to mention that something I had written had made him laugh. And so he wanted to call and tell me that.

~

In other news, Jedi's Ex girlfriend ( we'll call her Cruddy. Because that's kind of her name. I also find it funny that Ramses also nicknamed her Cruddy, and we've never talked about her with each other...) has been in touch with him.

Now, I'm not the jealous type. I really don't mind if he's in touch with his ex's, but there are ex's and EX's if you know what I mean.

Cruddy is effing INSANE. She dated Jedi when he was 19.... and she wsa 34. I'm sorry, but that is some effed up shit. There was all sorts of other crazy stuff about her... she's Wiccan (um. not that there's anything wrong with that... but. um... you know how some of those Wiccans can get...) She's been married 5 times... she's super clingy... She kept trying to get Jedi to sleep with her again after they'd broken up he'd wised up and dumped her.

Jedi posted some pictures on his facebook page of the two of us... and Cruddy commented on them... rather inappropriately. Cruddy's 15 year old daughter commented on them telling Jedi that he looked really handsome. Cruddy called him 2x in the last few weeks... Just to -- yanno-- catch up. And to let him know she's getting divorced... for the 6th time.

Oh PUH-LEASE.

She totally wants him again, and she's still totally gross.

I told Jedi that if he wanted to be in touch with her, that was fine, but that he really shouldn't encourage her... and that she's totally coming onto him. He agreed and said he was going to cut off contact.

Except... That he didn't. In fact, not only did he cut off contact, but he initiated it. For a totally ridiculous reason. He claimed he needed advice on how to properly cite sources.

This led to our first fight.

Um... HELLO! Who is currently working on a Master's and has about a MILLION essays under her belt? Oh yeah. that would be ME. NOT CRUDDY.

He was like... "I know, I know... I called everyone else in my address book before I called her. I couldn't find info on how to cite for these special circumstances online."

I pointed out that I was hurt that he thought of calling her before he thought of calling me.

Then... The telling remark... "I was embarrassed to tell you I didn't know how to do it."

*Sigh*

I don't know how to get him over that particular hurdle other than to tell him that he can come to me with stuff like that. No one is born knowing how to cite.

Anyway... no voices were raised and we calmly talked though it, so probably a good 1st fight... But GRRR! I want to call Cruddy and tell that skeezbag to get lost.
Don't worry. I won't. That's not my fight.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

Thanksgiving... didn't quite go as planned.

Apologies for the delay in updating, but I didn't have internet!

Jedi and I went up to my grandparents' place on Wednesday night. We drove separately (a 3 hour drive) because he had to work on Friday.

First- The good part. My grandparents (and my 97 year old great-grandmother) really liked Jedi. Really, Really, Really liked him. (Though, as Npapaya says-- What's not to like about him? There's nothing objectionable!) I know that in her head my grandma was probably planning a wedding (though they did make him sleep chastely on the couch. Ha ha ha.) Jedi also really liked them. He liked my grandpa (who is a difficult personality) and of course loved my grandma (who doesn't!)

I felt bad taking him away from his own family, but he kept insisting that he wanted to be with me.


Now for the BAD part...

On Wednesday night Jedi started feeling unwell. He thought it might just be acid reflux, and so he powered through. On Thursday the pain got worse and moved up into his chest which caused him some slight difficulty breathing. He was supposed to go home on Thursday night (And one can't go home just ANY old time round these parts... you have to wait for a ferry, and so you're trapped on their schedule.) He laid down to rest after Thanksgiving dinner and fell asleep. He asked me to wake him, and I did, but given that he still wasn't feeling well (at this point he'd tried prilosec, rolaids, tums, pepto, xantac, etc.) he decided to take the 1st ferry back in the morning.

My plan had been to stay at my Grandparents' through Monday, and then come home Monday night. When Jedi woke up on Friday morning though (5am to catch the ferry), he was doing worse. It was decided that he needed to go to a doctor. My grandma suggested he go to her doc, but I pointed out that didn't make much since since 1) we'd have to wait 3 hours until his office opened, and 2) he'd only send us to a larger hospital an hour and a half away because he wouldn't be able to do tests in his office.

Now... I admit. I had more than a moment's hesitation about Jedi's illness. Not that I didn't think he was feeling poorly, but I thought he might be playing it up for effect. Maybe that makes me a bad person to have had that moment of doubt, but I kept thinking about how much Jedi didn't want to go back to work that Friday (He'd asked for it off 3 times, but was told no), and how much he ALWAYS wants to be with me, and the fact that he had stated more than once that he would have wanted to spend the whole weekend with me.

I was kind of annoyed. (again, maybe this makes me a bad person) but I totally thought he was playing it up with his unverifiable symptoms. Someone (I don't remember who, maybe my grandma) suggested that he couldn't drive himself. Who knows what would happen if he passed out or something.

Ok. Ok. I decided to drive him home so that he could come to the large hospital closest to our town. If he had to stay in the hospital he wanted to be sure to be close to home, he said.

Well, on the ride home I began to be more worried as it started to be obvious that he wasn't faking his chest pain. I thought he was going to pass out a few times actually, and almost went to the hospital that was closer, but he kept insisting he wanted to be at the hospital close to home.

We went to the ER and I called his mom to come and sit with him while I dropped off my dog at home. I then came back and sat with him and they found that his heart rate is really elevated and irregular and that he has high levels of lead in his system and his hemoglobin levels will cause serious liver damage if it's not reversed. Weirdly enough, they said his chest pain isn't caused by any of those things, and they couldn't figure out what that was. They released him after they deemed it wasn't "life threatening", but have scheduled more tests for later in the month with specialists.

I had had to leave my car up north and so Jedi offered me the use of his car in the meantime and he used his mom's car, which she offered to let him use-- very nice of her.

That time in the hospital is the most time I've spent with his mom actually, and it was nice to get to know her better. Jedi went back to her house to recover over the weekend.... (and yes, I feel bad that I thought he was faking.) I ended up spending a fair bit of time over at their place this weekend though-- had a couple meals, helped to put up the Christmas tree. It was nice to get to know the family better.

I still don't know his prognosis since they're still doing some tests, but he's still having some pain.

On another note-- my grandparents have called 4 times to see how he is.
Guess they must really like him, huh?

(Oh. Did I mention that he surprised me with a pair of earrings I had mentioned liking? Yeah. He's sweet like that.)

Nervous

Have I mentioned I'm nervous to have Jedi come to Thanksgiving?

I'm all... "What the hell was I thinking? Why did I think this was a good idea!?"

Not because I don't think it will go well. Not because I think he'll embarrass me in front of my family... or worse, that they'll embarrass me...

But... well... because I'm not really sure how I feel about where this is going. I don't know where this is going. The greater part of me feels like this still isn't going anywhere--- and if that's the case, then why would I introduce him to family? On the other hand, this is the most serious I've been with someone in over 10 years.... so, well, maybe this is long overdue, eh?

Over the river & through the woods to Grandmother's house we go...

EEEK.

Jedi is coming to Thanksgiving.

This may not be a big deal to some people... but it's a big deal to me.

I always told my family I'd never introduce them to anyone unless it was serious... (because they're seriously nosy).

And I'm not sure if this is serious.

But I like him. And he wants to come. And I want him to meet my grandma.

I'm still really nervous though...

First Reactions

This was supposed to be a productive paper-writing weekend. I have 30 pages due by the end of Thanksgiving break and I wanted to be able to enjoy the time with my family, so I planned on getting the bulk of the paper done this weekend.

Um, I got exactly ZERO pages written. Mmm Hmmm. Didn't even start the research. Didn't crack a book.

Jedi spent every single day at my place this weekend-- and not only didn't I mind, I wanted him there. Weird, I know.

I don't know if I can explain to you how sweet he is... (Though, I think it was Npapaya who said to me, "His behaviour isn't unusual... it's just unusual to YOU.) I don't know if that's true or not. I do know that I've never asked him to change the litter box (and my pet HATES him with a passion. Poor Jedi!)... he just does it before I wake up in the mornings. He grabs the garbage when he's on the way out the door. He is sick today, but he (rather ridiculously) got up to do the dishes before I realized what he was up to. ... all this, and more, and he tells me constantly how wonderful he thinks I am.

But, it was a little incident on Saturday that truly made me appreciate him.

We ended up at his parents' house for dinner. It wasn't planned, but we were picking up a pizza before a movie, and his house is closest to the movie theater. Additionally, his 15 year old sister wanted to see the movie as well, so we offered to bring her and a friend, and his parents asked us to pick up pizza for them as well.

Dinner went well. It wasn't the first time I'd met his parents, but it was the first time we'd really sat down and had a conversation. I do like his parents a lot actually, and his sister is very nice too.

After the movie we dropped the girls off. I'd left my car at the house and we'd only taken one care to the theater.

Well, it was dark, and the street is poorly lit. I started making my way down the driveway... not realizing that on either side of the driveway is a retaining wall (about 2-3 feet high.) I backed down the driveway a little off-kilter..... and ended up going half-way over the retaining wall and getting my car stuck. In fact, it was teetering.

EEEEK!

I was SO embarrassed! His parents were already in their pjs and came out to see what had happened. Thank goodness I have AAA... this is the 3rd time this year I've had to get towed! (Um.... yeah... perhaps best not to mention that!)

All's well that ends well though... Doesn't seem to be any damage to my car (or to their wall!) The tow truck came within 20 minutes.

I later recounted this story to my mom, and she had one question-- "How did Jedi react?"

And that IS the important question.

Perhaps to some people it wouldn't be an issue of concern... but perhaps most people haven't had my experiences with angry, volatile, controlling men. (None that I've dated-- all in my family. Which is the reason I'm so careful when I'm dating.)

When he heard my car go over the edge (great big CREAKING sound), Jedi jumped out of his car and ran to me. The first words out of his mouth were, "Are you ok??!?" Interestingly enough, those were also the first words out of his parents' mouths. Also, his mother seemed to take the blame by adding, "This driveway is so poorly marked! Tomorrow we're going to home depot to get this fixed! We'll put reflectors along the side... get the wall filled in some more... etc."

My mom was taken aback by that reaction. So was I.

The "normal" (at least, MY normal in growing up,) reaction? "What the hell were you thinking? How could you have been so stupid? Why didn't you turn around at the top of the driveway? Do you know how much money this is going to cost to fix the wall/car/driveway etc. This is why women shouldn't drive..." And then, I could certainly expect to have this story trotted out on every other occasion my dad/grandpa/uncles/mom's boyfriends would be displeased as evidence of my general idiocy and irresponsibility.

I thanked Jedi for not screaming at me when that happened. He was genuinely bewildered. "Who would do something like that?"

Indeed. Who would do something like that...


Again, as Npapaya pointed out, "His behaviour isn't unusual... it's just unusual to YOU."

Flowers & other not-so-sentimental stuff

Jedi brought me flowers at work yesterday, which was sweet. I appreciate it, I do. I make a point of telling him how much I appreciate it (mostly so he'll keep it up!). I'm even no longer cringing when I refer to him as my boyfriend. I even (gulp) let him put some pictures of us on facebook and I let him tag me in them! (As a side note, he looks smoking hot in the pictures... too bad this is an anonymous blog! ha ha!) That's kind of a big deal... (Though, I haven't changed my relationship status and I'm not likely to, since it's nobody's business... (and always leads to much awkwardness when the status is changed back. ha ha!))

So... yeah. I'm getting more settled into this relationship thing. I even suggested plans for New Year's eve... (to which he replied, "Oh? Are you planning on keeping me around 'til then?" He's learning quickly, that Jedi... ha. He's getting used to my sense of humor, I think.)

One thing that is a little awkward is that since he's basically spent about 5 nights in the last 2 months back at his parent's place, they're no longer charging him for food...

To which I lightheartedly replied-- but-not-so-jokingly-- Oh, you can help me with the groceries then.

He agreed. He also, very thoughtfully, and of his own idea, offered to pay for 1/2 of my birth control. (It's the nuva-ring which is $30/month... CRAZY.) I appreciated that a lot.

However. Cash has yet to appear.

And it's kind of totally awkward to bring that up.

But it kinda pisses me off when he talks about how little money he has (Ok, he makes very little, but he actually has a TON more in savings than I do because he has NO expenses other than a car payment and tuition. I pay tuition, PLUS all of those bills and more. grrr.) So, I'm at a negative balance, if you count the credit cards, and he's at a +++ balance. And he tells me how little money he has, and then he buys himself a new DVD seemingly every few days.

Now, mind you, I would never begrudge someone their toys. Heaven knows I have my own. And it's his money. Even if we were serious I would want him to have "his" money (and I would have mine, and there would be a joint account.)

However... what do I do? Just present him with a bill? Say, "Your total is $52.44, please pay by the end of the week?"

Ugh.

*************

And on a totally unrelated topic, can I just say how much I hate stupid people? Especially the ones I work with? Especially today????

I just feel I need to get that off my chest...

Crossing Boundaries

I've mentioned before that Jedi likes to be with me 24/7... Which is overwhelming. He constantly tells me how happy I make him. I also find this overwhelming. I can't be responsible for his happiness! I am barely able to be responsible for myself!!!

I mentioned that he conveniently "forgets" stuff at my house so he has an excuse to come over. (And I'm a sucker because I once he's there I totally want to make-out-n-stuff and so I totally let him stay.)

I put my foot down for the past few days though and made if very clear-- NO COMING OVER! Absolutely NOT! Nuh-uh! NO WAY! (And, that we're TOTALLY going back to the system of "days of the week"... so, he'll get Wed & Fri, and MAYBE another day during the week.)

And he's been good about it...

Except...

That he's shown up at my office both of those days with rather flimsy excuses. (Ok, one day wasn't an excuse. He was having a tough day at work and needed some TLC.) In both cases he didn't actually enter my office, and he only stayed 2-5minutes. (Part of his job requires him to make deliveries and his route takes him past my office.)

I feel like he's pushing boundaries... but... not to the point where I need to do anything about it (yet.)

On the other hand, as I said, I find it overwhelming that he needs to be in contact with me so much. It makes me uncomfortable to be so vital to someone's perceived well-being.

We had a long talk about this the other night, (in which I totally hurt his feelings, but it couldn't be helped.) I know it makes him feel rejected that I don't feel the need to be by his side all the time, or texting, or calling, or otherwise thinking about him.

But, that's not going to change. Heaven help me if I ever feel my happiness is totally dependent on one person! That, to me, is the mark of a totally unhealthy relationship. I told him, also, that one of the other big issues I have is that I feel that before I could get serious about him, he'd need to have lived on his own for a couple of years.

Not because I feel like he needs to be a 'grown-up' and have enough $$ to have a place of his own (Though, well, there is THAT. But that's not the primary reason!) It's because so much PERSONAL GROWTH happens when someone is living on their own! I would not be who I was meant to be if I had gone straight from my parent's house to my (hypothetical) husband's house. I know there are people who do it- (different strokes and all that)- but it doesn't seem like a good idea to me. So, even setting aside the issue of me needing my SPACE, I wouldn't even entertain the idea of letting him move in with me for personal growth reasons.

That bothered him too.

He said something about "...when you let me move in with you..." (I forget the exact phrasing)... And I recoiled and said something like, "Nightmare scenario!"

He replied saying, "I was only kidding! You were supposed to laugh!"

I said, "That's not a funny joke."

He said, "Why are your jokes funny and not mine?" *

*(Side note: I'm constantly making cracks about how I can't hang out with him because I'm going out with my "other boyfriend." He knows I'm not seeing anyone else, but he doesn't find these jokes funny. Npapaya and I find them HILARIOUS.)

I replied, "My jokes are funny because they're preposterous. Your joke is not funny because if I ACTUALLY said, "I want you to move in with me," you would reply, "give me 20 minutes to pack up my stuff and I'll be right back," wouldn't you?"

He buried his head in his pillow and nodded.

*sigh*

I did give him a drawer.



*** Other side note: I should also add that it's not bad to some extent that he's pushing me. I tend to be very laissez-faire about relationships. Science guy and I "went out" for 8 months with about 8 dates and only a little hand-holding throughout that entire time period. If Jedi wasn't constantly saying "When can I next see you?" I'd probably be content with seeing him once every couple of weeks or so.

Michelle Obama's Dating Advice

Best Dating Advice Ever From Michelle Obama

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as
a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Don't look at the
bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the
guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with
children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When
you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less
than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship
with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole.
And if you're in that relationship and you're dating, then my advice is,
don't get married. [original source: Glamour]

Familiarity Breeds Contempt?

Ok, ok I admit it. I was probably just in a grumpy mood in general last night... (I had a lovely conversation with my mother in which she informed me that if Jedi was saying he liked me and thought I was beautiful then he was obviously lying and wanted something from me. *sigh* Yes, I realize these are her OWN issues and that she's projecting, but it's hard to disassociate sometimes.)

So, I was in a grumpy mood about that.... and... also... my own idiocy.

You see, I said the "L" word. And it wasn't "Like." And it just kind of slipped out. (No lectures, please!)

I mean, on the one hand I do love him.... in that way that I love all my really good friends. I even lust after him. I don't think I ***LOVE*** him in the romantic sense (of happily-ever after & fairies & magic) way that I think HE means it when he says the "L" word.

Sooooo.... Ahem. I guess it would be kind of awkward to take it back, huh? Ahem. This morning when he said, "I love you," and I responded with "Thanks," I think he was kinda dismayed.

Yeah. So. Um. Not quite sure what to do about that.

I really needed to be alone last night but he came over because he'd forgotten something at my house. And as seems to happen, when he stops over I let him STAY over because I'm totally a sucker. (And oh, did I mention I lust after him?)

But I was grumpy. He wanted to have a deep and meaningful talk... (um, while we were getting busy...) and I nearly kicked him out he was being so annoying.

I think I just need alone time for the next few days.

Hypochondria?

I know I tend to be a bit melodramatic when it comes to illnesses, real or perceived... however, I spent last weekend in very close proximity to someone who has been diagnosed with H1N1. (Work colleague.) There are umpty-million cases at my place of employment at the moment, so it was bound to happen, but I've been feeling run-down, achy, stuffy, sore-throaty since then. I also read that another symptom of swine flu is nausea, and since I totally felt like I was going to throw up all last night I'm even more paranoid.

I mean, if I have it there's nothing much to be done, eh? Rest, and liquids and all that...

Jedi came over last night (before I was feeling so sick), and he insisted on staying after I started feeling really terrible. And that's really what this post is about-- his attentiveness. When I'm sick I go back and forth between wanting someone to take care of me and wanting to crawl into a cave alone like a wounded animal. But he stayed and brought me liquids and tucked me in. It was appreciated. Unexpected, unasked for, but appreciated. Though... I don't know that I would do the same for him. Terrible, eh? I guess I'm not saying I wouldn't but at the same time I certainly wouldn't get too close to someone who may have swine flu.

Though, as he pointed out, if I'm sick with it he's surely already been exposed.

I guess. I'm still not that selfless. I would have hightailed it out of there.

But he's kind of special... In all senses of that word. Ha.

What's in a Name?

When I started calling Mr.2young "Mr.2young" it was both because I felt he was too young for me and because, well, let's face it, I didn't think he'd last very long. (Track records and all that, eh?)

However I no longer think he's too young for me (there are other issues, but that's not really one of them anymore.) I also know that he hates it when I joke about his extreme youth and my cougarish ways.

So, well, since he's going to be sticking around for awhile I kind of feel like he needs to be christened with a new moniker and I finally feel like I've got one.

Jedi. Yes, let's call him Jedi.

Why? Well, let's just say that he's an uber-geek.

Let's also say that when I was looking for a Halloween costume and someone suggested I be Princess Leia (because I've got very long hair that can easily be made into ear-buns!) I knew who to go to for the rest of my costume.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: I bet you have a light saber, don't you?

Jedi: What would make you think that?!

Me: You do, don't you?

Jedi: I don't know what you're talking about!

Me: How many do you own?

Jedi: Three.

Ha ha! Jedi it is!

(For ease of browsing through the archives I'll lable the previous posts with "Jedi" as well.)

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

I have a thing about pillows. If my neck is not at the *perfect* angle when I'm sleeping I end up getting a headache in the morning. I need a pillow that's soft, yet firm, and is not very filled. No big fluffy pillows for me!

I have an old pillow that I've used for years that is kind of on its last legs. It's just not firm enough to support my head anymore but it's been too difficult to find a new pillow that does what I need it to do, so I've kept it.

Apparently Mr.2young has his own pillow issues because a few weeks after spending the nights at my place he asked if it would be ok if he brought his own pillow. Of course, I said.

Woweee, what a pillow! It's perfect! Does everything that I need it to do. He forgot it at my place a few times and I ended up using it. I got a very restful night's sleep.

I asked him where he got the pillow, and when we went shopping on Monday we stopped by Bed, Bath, and Beyond, I bought myself the same pillow.

Except that it wasn't. It was close... but not quite. Perhaps it needs to be broken in more? I'm not sure. Whatever the case, it's just a little *too* firm for me, but it's better than the older one I had so I was still going to use it. I slept on it a few nights, but in the morning, after Mr.2young would leave for work (he leaves earlier than I do,) I would move over to his pillow.

Well, he noticed.

And last night when I went to bed I found that he had exchanged pillows with me so that I could use his through the night. Even though he is very fond of that pillow himself... "It's more important to me that you're comfortable," he said.

Woweee, what a nice guy! It's those little thoughtful things that he does that really make me think he's got long(er)-term potential than I had originally thought.

Another thoughtful thing? My grandparents are moving next month. I'm really rather upset about this since they're moving into a senior residence facility. It was a last-minute, quick decision.

Mr.2young? He hasn't met them... But he's offered to help them move. This isn't an insincere offer either, I know. He's repeated it 3 or 4 times.

I'm very touched.

The best laid plans

I worked a lot of events for my office over the weekend so I took Monday off. Mr.2young had also asked for Monday off several months ago (before he knew me... perhaps anticipating Halloween revelries?)

On Saturday night though I ended up staying at a fancy-schmancy hotel (ok. Expensive is the better word because it's one of those 'quaint' hotels that looks like your grandmother's house,) for work. I invited Mr.2young to spend the night, which was a last minute thing. I was hesitant to do so-- I like to keep my worlds separate and I'd already seen him a fair bit that week.

Oh! Side note! Have I mentioned that I've put him on a schedule? I've set aside Wednesdays and Fridays for him (with perhaps a free day here and there...)... I really felt I had to do this for my own sanity. I need a lot of alone time to be mentally healthy and if he had his way he'd be with me 24/7. I always feel bad turning him down so I thought it would just be easier if we had set days -- thereby solving 2 problems-- he doesn't have to ask when he can see me next and I don't have to feel bad for telling him I'm not up for seeing him that night. (Is that weird? Npapaya thinks that's weird...)

But, we had a good time at the hotel, and then he came over and spent the night on Sunday. On Monday we had a great day (well, we would have stayed in all day if I'd had my way...) but he wanted to get out and DO something. So, we went to the outlet stores and went shopping and then went out to a nice dinner. He was very patient throughout the day as I tried on about a million different clothes (I pointed out that he could go to the gaming store next door, but he insisted on staying with me.

The drive home was sweet. It was, I don't know-- just the first time that I kind of started feeling like maybe I'm really falling for him, you know? I don't WANT to... I don't intend to... I still feel like this can only end with hurt feelings... but he's really growing on me.

On Monday night it was a bit AWKWARD though! He had forgotten some things he needed at his house (and by "his" house I mean his parent's house if you'll recall.) So we swung by there, and of course his mom and sister were in their pjs since it was 10pm(and his dad was sick!). I volunteered to stay in the car but that would have been a bit awkward too since I do know his mom. It ended up being fine, but I do find the whole situation rather weird... maybe it's just the fact that they know he's picking up stuff and then "sleeping" over at my house??? I find that uncomfortable.

Then, last night (no, not one of our agreed upon nights... I guess I'm not doing very well with that, huh?) I just really wanted to see him. I was tired and he had late classes, so I went to bed and left the door unlocked for him.

It felt... shockingly normal. I think last night was the first night I had him sleep over where I didn't feel resentful that there was someone else in my bed. (Don't get me wrong. I like having him sleep over, but in the middle of the night I usually wake up and find myself annoyed that he's hogging the space or the covers or something.) Last night just felt right.

I think that I'm maybe, quite possibly, rather smitten.

Oh, crap.

Blast from the past

Y'all won't believe who called me at work today... Muckraker.

I mean, right? I know. That's effed up.

It's funny, in the past I would have been all a twitter... Whoo! He called! Right? Ha.

I know you will NOT be surprised to hear he needed a favor.

I was a little more surprised to hear him asking how my love life is going... Do I have a boyfriend?

Ha ha ha ha!

I the past I would have been flattered by this thinking, "Gee! Maybe it means he wants me after all!"

I was vague. It's none of his business.

Besides, I'm 99% sure that our mutual friend Mary would have told him that, yes, I AM dating someone.

I turned the question around on him... "Are you dating anyone?"

He totally dodged that one.

He asked if he could call me next week. I said sure... Mostly because I'm amused by this.

Compare and contrast Muckraker (Who could also be called Mr.2Old being 12 years older than I am...) with Mr.2young.

Muckraker has only ever been in touch when he needs something, he never does anything thoughtful/out of the blue for anyone as far as I can tell, and if not outright deceitful then definitely shady.

Mr.2young is in touch with me daily (much to my annoyance sometimes,) is always thoughtful (He got my favorite candy for me the other day... This morning he came to my work and brought me breakfast...), and he's totally honest-- to an extreme, sometimes.

There's really no comparison, is there?

Hmmm... I think I got the better bargain.

(Oh-PS! When it rains, it pours! Science Guy is back in touch! He wants to do breakfast sometime this week. I'm amused. I'll meet with him. Maybe I'll bring Mr.2young along... hee... hee...)

Puppy Love

Mr.2young is delightful. And delightfully earnest.

He reminds me a little bit of a puppy in some ways, with all of his energy and unabashed enthusiasm, and his need to be with me ALL THE FREAKING TIME. (And I feel like I'm very meanly crate-training him when I say, "NO! You CANNOT come over today! Or Tomorrow! Or the NEXT DAY!" And then he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes... and does some very nice tricks... and I let him spend the night in my bed. See! Just like a puppy! I'm such a sucker.)

On the one hand I like it. I like being liked to such an overwhelming degree.

Even if it feels a bit fake.

Not because I don't think he MEANS it... He very sincerely means it.

But, rather, because he's like a puppy. He would be very sincerely enamored with ANYBODY.

I think he would deny that, but... let's look at the track record here...

He once proposed to a girl he knew for ONE MONTH.

He has said the "L" word to at least 3 different women. (And he's TWENTY TWO!)

Now, some might call me emotionally stunted, but I barely use the "L" word with my parents, and I'm biblically required to love them.

And so... When he said he "Loved" me a few nights ago my instinct was to pat him on the head and say, "Thank you very much" and give him a biscuit.

I believe that HE believes that he means it.

However... *sigh*... Those are not words I say lightly. And I do not believe it's possible [for me, at least] to "Love" someone you've known for 2 months. Not to the extent that you're IMPLYING when you use those words in a romantic context.

Maybe that's the difference-- To me "Love" means 50+ years of trials and tribulations and job losses and illnesses and fires and floods and sustaining all that. Do I love some people? Absolutely. But that's a pretty select group. I don't think that's something you can feel for someone you've known for 2 months... for someone you wouldn't trust with your PIN number... For someone you wouldn't give the keys to your house. Not because I DISTRUST Mr.2young, but because trust takes TIME to grow. So does love.

It's hard to remember what I've mentioned here before. Have I mentioned that he has washed my windows? Taken out my garbage? Offered to clean and vacuum and scrub toilets? Cooked me dinner? Bought me little gifts for no reasons? Faithfully calls and emails and texts? Made a point of showing and telling me how much he respects my feminist beliefs?

He is a pretty amazing guy.

But the "L" word?

Only if that word is "Like."

Road Block

Mr.2young is one of the nicest people you could ever meet. From what I can tell, from what (admittedly little) I know about him he's trustworthy, caring, considerate, kind, and thoughtful. (Ok, yes, there are some redundancies in that statement.) He's a nice guy without being a faux, creeptastic, "Nice Guy" (as we've discussed before.) And his age doesn't really bother me anymore.

No, what bothers me the most is what his really poor spelling is a symptom of... It's a lack of knowledge, perhaps a lack of awareness. He tells me he has a learning disability for which he's getting help from the academic skills center of his college, and I don't hold that against him. Hell, I couldn't read until I was in the 4th grade--I had to be put in a special ed program.

However, since the 4th grade I admit that I haven't struggled much academically. I don't study--not really. I never have. I'm just good at retaining information the first time I hear it (mostly because I'm genuinely fascinated by the world and how it works.) I write my papers the day they're due... and I get high marks. I sometimes feel guilty about this. I know I'm not particularly smart or talented... I just, I don't know, remember things. And I'm fast at comprehending new information and integrating it with what I've already learned to come to a conclusion or a course of action.

And Mr.2young? He struggles... A LOT. He was having difficulty with his homework yesterday; It was a topic I haven't studied since the 8th grade, but I knew more off the top of my head than he did after having read books for a week. I spent my evening explaining the topic to him... inwardly I was cringing. Is this the person I want to be with? Do we really have anything in common? I am someone with little patience. I wanted to shout at him, "HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THIS STUFF!?" and "How is it possible that you've not retained information you read 30 minutes ago!?"

I didn't yell. Don't worry. I didn't.

How much is the learning disability and how much is *HIM*? I also don't know.

I tried to be patient and understanding and compassionate. Mostly because I could see how devastated he was. He was close to tears at numerous points as he struggled to understand different concepts. Perhaps this wouldn't be so worrisome except for the fact that he wants to be a teacher-- he wants to teach these same concepts to students... and at the moment? I wouldn't want him teaching my (hypothetical) kids anything. I cringe.

I do feel compassion for him. I can't say I understand his frustration. I don't know what it's like to not comprehend something at that level... perhaps mostly because if I don't understand something the first time I learn about it I seek other sources for clarification until I finally DO understand. Perhaps that's what he's lacking, but I don't know how you provide someone with the impetus to seek out knowledge when you don't have a roadmap. [Also, I resisted the urge to tell him, "Wikipedia is not an appropriate lesson planning guide..."]

He hated to let me see him like that, I know. He was hurt, and embarrassed, and ashamed (the word he used.) It bothers him that I'm nearly done with my second masters (no great feat, quite frankly), and he doesn't have a single degree. I was at a loss as to how to comfort him. I did tell him that people have many different kinds of gifts, and if academics wasn't his strength he made up for it in other ways. That, and the fact that I've known many a Ph.D who can barely tie her shoelaces, let alone function as an adult human being, prove credentials are not much of an indicator of intelligence.

I worry though. I feel like this will be the main reason this doesn't work out. How much am I willing to compromise? How much do I forgo intellectual stimulation for kindheartedness? (He's not DUMB, mind you. He's just not knowledgeable. Given that he doesn't seem to retain information though, I don't know that this is something "fixable." Not that one should ever try to "fix" someone else either, because that's just a futile task.) My relationship with him is probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I feel comfortable, and easy, and free to be myself, and to know I'm completely accepted for who I am.

I want to be able to offer him the same gift in return... but I don't know if I can accept this about him.

(I know many people will probably think me a terrible person for admitting that, but I do think that intellectual compatibility is a cornerstone for a good relationship. Though, as evidenced with other people (ahem. Muckraker.) I also acknowledge that intelligence is not a substitute for the other qualities that Mr.2young has in spades.)

So... My other question is... how long to I give myself to figure this out? He likes me. A LOT. I worry that the longer I let this go on the more I'll hurt him. And yet I'm inclined to let it go on for my own selfish reasons-- because he makes me feel really, really great about myself. This also probably makes me a terrible person.

The Deep End

I'm not really fond of people in general (or in particular...hmmm...). I really require a lot of alone time for contemplation and to recharge my energy.

And yet... I've seen Mr.2Young EVERY SINGLE DAY (and night) for the past week. This is certainly a record for me, but what's even more remarkable is that I'm not sick of him. Yet. (I like to look at glasses half empty.... the benefit of being a pessimist is that you're always either proven right or you're pleasantly surprised.)

I still have issues (most notably with his spelling! Like when he texted me to tell me he was going to do "loan work and rack leaves"... (get it? Um. Took me a while to figure out he meant LAWN work and RAKE leaves. It's not the *spelling* really, it's the seeming lack of awareness that the two words are not one and the same. I've known some bad spellers (and I'm a spell-check addict) but your/you're, their/there/they're type of mistakes drive me BANANAS) *sigh*) His age doesn't bother me as much anymore... (which means I should probably come up with a new moniker, hmmm? Suggestions?)

He is very sweet. He brought me flowers for no reason last week (they're still blooming), and he went out of his way to figure out which flowers I like. (Hint: NOT roses. Getting a bouquet of roses requires about as much effort and foresight as brushing one's teeth, in my humble opinion. Yes, I would accept them graciously, but inside I would be thinking, "you don't know me at all, do you?)

Part of the reason I keep letting him stay over (ok, ok, INVITING him to stay over...) is because I feel it's going to end... someday. Everything ends, right? And with my track record, sooner rather than later. And so, I figure, soon enough I'll be back to having my big bed to myself-- so I may as well make some nice memories to keep me company throughout the long, long, long New England winter. There will be more than enough time to be alone in the future, so I may as well make the most of being with him now.

Npapaya thinks I'm a crazy person (true, true,) for thinking this way. She pointed out to be last night, "Nothing you've said points to this ending... Not saying it won't, but right now there's nothing to indicate a red flag or troubled waters ahead... so why are you actively seeking to end it?" (That was the gist of what she said anyway...)

Mr.2Young and I were talking last night and he asked me a question that I didn't know the answer to. He said, "What scares you the most? That this will end? or that it won't?" Something to discuss with my therapist, to be sure.

I went away for the weekend (yes, I went away, but still only ended up spending one night away from him...) and I was like a 16 year old-- texting him constantly. (I am super LAME-O, I admit it!) So, yes, I'm getting attached to him, which is scary for me.

He cracked me up last night though. I asked him (randomly, out of nowhere,) "So, would you kill a mastodon for me if I asked you to?" His response? "You seem like the kind of girl who could kill her own mastodon."

That still cracks me up. In that moment I felt like he really, really, GOT me.

But I'm still a little worried about wading into the deep end of the relationship pool....


(I should add that I have given him permission to refer to me as his "girlfriend," mostly because everyone is already doing so. *sigh*)

I'm quite fond of the 17th chapel myself...

About my previous post Npapaya said, "Are you trying to dump Mr.2young in as cruel a way as possible?" ... because the person I was crushing on works in Ramses' (the person who set Mr.2young & I up) office.

*shrug* it's a small town. What are you supposed to do? If you only date people who don't know your Exs, you'll never date anyone. (Not that Mr.2young is an Ex. Or a current. Well. Maybe he's a current... I may have to start facing up to that.) For the record it was more a passing fancy than anything, and now that Npapaya has given me the background on that particular object of crush I find myself no longer quite as interested. Just as well.

Mr.2young is pretty damn fabulous. Last night he wanted to come over but I told him I was cleaning (to get ready for a trip. Hate to come home to a dirty house) and so he couldn't come over. He said he didn't care, he just wanted to see me.

So, well... I looked like crap. Sweatpants and a dirty mess. He meant it when he said he didn't care though. Better than that? Completely unbidden, he did my dishes and washed my windows. Sweet! And he gives unsolicited foot rubs and backrubs... Awesome! (Have I mentioned that he thinks I'm really hot?? And that the more dressed down I am, the hotter he thinks I am? I know. I don't get it either, but he seems to be sincere. Weird-o!)

So. Yeah. things are going well.

Except... well. Except for the fact that when I asked him who his favorite artist is he said. "Oh, I like the guy who painted the Sixteenth chapel."

DOH! Head smack.

(Actually, I couldn't stop giggling when he said that. I think I hurt his feelings.... :-( It wasn't intentional, but I just couldn't stop.)

Edit: Apparently PLENTY of people make that mistake... I just googled Sixteenth Chapel and guess what came up? Mmm hmmm... I blame the US educational system. *sigh*

In which I'm kind of a terrible person...

Don't get me wrong. I still like Mr.2young. He's very kind and very attentive... but, I admit, what I like best about him is how much he likes me.

We stayed in this weekend-- on Friday and Saturday, mostly just watching movies, which was nice (Though, I didn't let him sleep over on Saturday! I needed to actually SLEEP). But, he was exasperating me in some ways too, really showing his age.

As I mentioned before, he still lives with his parents. He got into a fight with his dad this weekend though about some chores that his dad wanted him to do (to help his grandparents.) Mr.2young had told his dad "no" because he wanted to spend the day with me on Sunday. I told him I was not ok with that-- I didn't want to get in the middle, and that he had responsibilities-- especially considering that he doesn't pay rent. Mr.2young wasn't really happy with that answer and kind of pouted. (Though, to his credit, he did acknowledge the next day that I'd been right.)

I then helped him look at his budget to see if he would be able to move out... Sadly, not really. He'd have to find a place around $400/month in order to make ends meet, and around here that's nearly impossible (even with a room share). He was all gung-ho about it though and started looking at more expensive places-- which I was like-- "I really don't think you can afford those!" One moment was rather forehead-smack inducing-- I suggested that he try living as though he WAS paying rent ($500) to see if he would have enough money to get by. He was all, "Oh! That's a good idea! I never thought of that." Doh.

I know. He's young. Budgets are rather novel to the young.

But none of those reasons are why I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible person because I've developed a little crush on someone else. Someone I barely know. Someone who, if he were to ask me out, I would totally say, "Yes."

Hey! I've made a point of telling Mr.2young that we're not "boyfriend/girlfriend." And I would NOT sleep with someone else without breaking things off with Mr.2young first. But a date? I don't know... would that be crossing the line? Maybe. Would it hurt his feelings? Totally. *sigh*

Like I said, probably a moot point because it's really unlikely that this other guy even knows who I am, but I don't think it's a good sign for my relationship (or whatever the hell it is) with Mr.2young that I'm even thinking that at this point.

Dr. Feelbad

Mr.2young and I went to see Hamlet last night. Npapaya couldn't go (a group of us have season tickets) and so gave him her ticket. We met a bunch of my other (work) friends for dinner ahead of time... they're kind of a rambunctious crowd, but good-spirited. When Mr.2young stepped away at one point one of my friends said, "Two thumbs up for this one!" and at the end of the night another friend embarrassed him (and me!) by saying, "Gee, Mr.2young... I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of you! How about it, Hypatia? Will we be seeing him again?"

He's spent the past few nights at my place. He's actually now leaving his toothbrush at my place and keeping an overnight bag in his car. (Yes, this effing freaks me out.) He also referred to an event we're going to and said, "All the girlfriends are getting together afterward...." and including me in the "girlfriend" category. I kind of lost it, actually... I think I rather hurt his feelings, but that wasn't my intention. But at the same time I feel like I needed to be honest.

I went to the doctor's today to get the pill. I think anyone reading this blog would know that I'm not one to rush into things... Mr.2young is the only "whatever the hell this is" I've ever rushed into. I think I've mentioned in the past that I was raised Baptist-- "hellfire and brimstone and disease and death are the only things that can come out of premarital relations"--school of thought.

It has taken me A LOT to get over that... to the point that this casual "whatever the hell this is" is both an anomaly and probably pretty good for me personal-growth wise. And my therapist... who has been following me for 3 years... completely agrees.

Which is why I'm SO EFFING ANNOYED at the doctor I saw today. It was a new one in the same practice (because the other one didn't have any openings until November for non-emergency stuff.) And you would have thought this (young-ish) doctor was a doctor out of 'Mad Men'! She said to me "I really don't recommend you being intimate with someone you've known so little... Sex should be reserved for a long-term committed relationship... Is he putting undue pressure on you? what are these bruises? are you in an abusive relationship...?" Seriously, I got a 1 hour lecture, and she was like, "I'm only prescribing you birth control because you're going to do it anyway, but I really don't think it's in your best interest..." She kept giving me dire warnings about AIDS and Chlamydia and Syphilis ... It just brought me back to the whole abstinence-only education (Which we know works SO Well!

I tried to stay polite... (Because I needed a damned prescription!)... but I wanted to say to her-- "Lady, I'm 28 and I'm overly educated and overly cautious. I know what I'm getting into... but even if I was sleeping with a knuckle-dragging mouth breather, it still wouldn't be any of your damned business!!!)

I was angry... but that doesn't mean her words didn't get to me. Because they're the same words that were drilled into my brain from the time I was 3 to the time I was 21. That's a lot of indoctrination to drown out. It took a lot of self-growth to get to the point where I feel comfortable with my decisions about my body, and I feel like I'm back in a pit of self-doubt at the moment... Like that I'm somehow going to become a bad Lifetime morality tale and I'm going to wind up pregnant with the clap living with an abusive boyfriend because I dared to have sex outside of the church's permission. Ugh.

(The other thing the doctor was shoveling was a lot of gender stereotyping about how "Men will say anything to have sex... Men can have sex without emotions but women can't..." I tried pointing out to her that I was the one who had initiated things with Mr.2young, and her response was, "Well, sometimes it can feel that way, but men are crafty manipulators and will say they don't want to do something when they're really trying to get you to do it." Talk about a mind-fuck.)

Even though I know it's totally irrational it has only intensified my feelings of ambivalence about the whole "whatever the hell this is" situation with Mr.2young. We're supposed to get together on Friday, but I'm really not feeling it at the moment...

Who is Rahm Emanuel?

An example of why Mr.2young and I are not a match made in heaven:

I was telling him about a dream I had. "I dreamt that Rahm Emanuel and Rachel Maddow came over for dinner at my house and they totally took my policy suggestions seriously!"

Mr.2young responded with, "Oh. Are those people you work with?"

Doh!

Reminded me a bit of this week's "Parks and Recreation" where the cop who asks Leslie out on a date sees a picture on her desk and says, "Oh, is that a picture of your grandma?"

She says, "That's Madeleine Albright."

He says, "Oh. Is that what you call her? I just call mine 'Nana.'"

Don't Fuck This One Up!

"Don't fuck this one up."

Those are the wise words of my straight-shooting therapist. I would be offended at the implication that I have fucked up other 'ones' if I didn't know it to be true. My flight instinct is still in high gear though I'm trying to fight it. I admit though that as much as I like Mr.2young I'm still looking for the character flaw that will allow me to kick him to the curb. (Harsh, I know...)

And, intuitive guy that he is, Mr.2young confessed that his fear is that he's going to do something that is going to give me a reason to do that.

*sigh*

Do I feel bad about this? Somewhat. Is this totally unfair to him? Absolutely. Which is why I'm not letting myself end it though my instinct is to do so.

I enjoy the time I spend with him. When I'm with him I don't have any doubts or fears because I'm just in the moment. But when he's gone all those insecurities come flooding back.

I feel like a drowning swimmer who, when the lifeguard comes to save him, fights and thrashes instead of letting himself be saved, thus drowning the lifeguard as well. I don't want to do that.

I went against my instincts and invited Mr.2young to a jazz club on Friday with about 10 of my friends. I was nervous. He was nervous. (Again, he worried that if they didn't like him it would be an excuse to get rid of him. Like I said, smart guy.)

I like to keep my different worlds from touching. Sometimes they interact-- such as when Nell (A Grad Student friend) and Npapaya (A Work Friend) came over the other night. Rarely do the twain meet though, and I like it that way. This group on Friday was my 'Grad Student friend' group, which is probably worse than having him meet my work friends. I would say that my work friends are a little kinder, more understanding. The grad students are great, but totally bitchy. (In a super fun way!)

The grad student friends knew both Muckraker (because he was a grad student), and Science Guy (Because I invited him for dinner with them once.) They obviously liked muckraker (even if they did find him super shady), but none of them liked Science guy for some inexplicable reason. The only thing they would really say is "He's not good enough for you." Which... frankly... was totally not true. I don't know by what definition they were using "not good enough." He was nice (if a bit immature), smart, well-educated (post-doc), well-established, generous, and into me. But... whatever.

So, yes, I was nervous as to what their opinion would be... imagine my surprise when only half-way through the evening my friends started giving me surreptitious thumbs-up. I got numerous people saying, "We really like this one!" "So much better than the last guy!" So... yippee...? :-p

He spent the night on Friday and I had to work on Saturday. He was supposed to spend the night on Saturday and Sunday, but I cancelled on him. No, not because I wasn't feeling it, but because I'd been around people WAY too much this weekend. I'm an introvert at heart, and I need a lot of space and quiet time to recuperate after being around people.

I do know that this might seem crazy... like, why would I prefer an evening alone (with Don and Betty Draper!) to fun times with a real, live, cute guy... ? Right? But it's really about my own sanity and needing space. I have forewarned Mr.2young numerous times about this-- that it's not personal, but that I need lots of alone time. He seems to get it (or, at least if he doesn't he feigns understanding quite well.)

I might see him tonight. I'll probably see him on Wednesday if we go to a play together.

(PS-- Another example of my craziness? I told him he needs to stop telling me I'm beautiful and gorgeous. It just makes me too uncomfortable. Probably because *I* don't believe it, and so therefore it feels like he's lying to me. Yes, yes... I need professional help. Don't worry. I'm getting it.)

Let's call the whole thing off

I think we have already established that I am a crazy person. And that, as Npapaya points out repeatedly, I don't actually want to be dating.

Mr.2Young has spent the night at my place for the last three nights... (yanno... because we can't spend the night at his place seeing as he LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. Oy Vey.) It's been good. I've had lots-o-fun. He makes me feel really good about myself. Things I perceive as flaws about my body, he not only doesn't seem to mind them, he seems to enjoy them. (Weirdo.)

And he's kind, and attentive, and ... and... and... he has repeatedly said he wants more than a casual fling. In fact he's all, "Come to my house for dinner and meet the parents," "Come to this banquet as my date..."

Normally I would be all for this. In fact, I'd be super excited. And yet... and yet... I'm not. Because I don't see this going anywhere given where we are in life.

This is super odd for me (as my friends know, I'm a little nutso. After one date with a guy I'm usually envisioning picket fences and 10 year anniversaries. I am, however, smart enough not to actually MENTION these thoughts to anyone I'm seeing.)

And yet, when he asked me to do these things-- when he asked what we were to each other... Was he the "B" word? I think I actually, literally, recoiled in horror. (For the record, we settled on, "someone I'm seeing.")

No labels, no labels, I said. Let's just take this one day at a time... (because thinking further than that FREAKS ME OUT.)

He's very kind and patient... but my instinct at the moment is to just call the whole thing off.

I'm fighting that instinct, but it's stressing me out to fight it. I know this is totally about my own issues and not actually about HIM, so I'm trying not to do anything hasty. Right now though I'm kinda feeling like if I don't see him again for a month or so that would be just about perfect.

(Side note: I also learned a little bit about some of the other women he's dated. I don't think I have to worry about his mother disapproving of me anymore... At this point she probably thinks I'm heaven sent, compared to some of the others... one of whom was a 35 year old he dated when he was 19. Yes, I am weirded out by this...)

A Woman of Easy Virtue

I feel like I should send Ramses (who is fond of his new nickname!) a gift basket of some kind for introducing me to Mr.2Young.

I had a good time this weekend. A VERY good time.

It is totally not my M.O. to get physical early, or often, but Mr. 2young is great. Amazing. Fantastic. And so the rules went out the window. And he spent the night.

I feel good about it. He makes me feel great about myself, and for right now that's exactly what I need. I'm trying not to let all my own-self doubt shine through (hard to do!)... because, well. He thinks I'm great. It wouldn't do to spoil his illusions quite yet...

I don't think this is going anywhere. That might sound terrible, but I have a hard time picturing any kind of future. Usually that would be a dealbreaker right there, and I'd send him packing (I'm not a casual encounters kind of girl.)

But... in this case... I'm just going to take it day by day. And today? He makes me feel phenomenal. And that's what's important, right?

Tomorrow can worry about itself.

What do Women Want?

Like, totally, duh!

Dating site OKCupid has done an analysis of 500,000 inquiry messages in order to determine what keywords correlate most strongly with getting a reply or getting deleted. It has an interesting gender lesson.

Mentioning someone?s level of attractiveness decreased the likelihood of getting a response (for both men and women), though men were more likely to mention looks. But general compliments about one?s profile increased the likelihood of getting a response:

Like cologne, it's never good to come on too strong...

Or, alternately titled:
THE FADE.

RinkRat is creeping me out.

Like Mr.2Young he's come on REALLY strong since our last date... but unlike Mr.2young he doesn't seem clear on where the boundary lines are.

Nothing specifically nefarious or sinister... but he's left me uneasy. And I trust my gut.

Since this is a SUPER small town I was not surprised to find that we had a couple of the same friends on facebook. So, I asked our mutual friends what was up with this guy.

Answer #1) He met me at softball practice. He asked if I might like to play hockey sometime. I said sure. He emailed me... and emailed me... and emailed me... and is still emailing me. Even though I've never answered any of his emails after the first one to say I wasn't interested after all.

Answer #2) I lived next door to him. He seemed nice enough but was always coming over at odd hours, uninvited, and just hanging around all the time.

So.... not super awesome.

I've tightened up the settings on my facebook page, but I'm regretting letting him friend me. (Ah well, I'll do better next time!) I don't want to UN-Friend him because that seems like it would set me up for a barrage of more persistent emails/conversations.

I'm just going to do the "FADE"... y'all know what I'm talking about? Just because it seems like being direct with this guy would be counter to my best (safety!) interests.

I might be over reacting, but if the guy is THIS clingy now... who knows how much worse it would get if we actually dated!!?!

(Also, I have to compare and contrast with Mr.2Young, who has also been attentive and emailing/texting frequently. I think the distinction is that Mr.2Young is not aggressive about it. I'm 99% certain that if I told him to drop it, and not to contact me anymore, I wouldn't hear from him again. He respects boundaries and he's made that clear in our other interactions.)

Meet the Parents

It may surprise you to know that I've never actually met the parents of anyone I've ever gone out with, other than my very first "boyfriend" in high school. (I put that in quotes, because I don't think we did anything under the watchful eye of his parents other than hold hands.) But in that particular case I HAD to meet them because neither of us could drive.

But, even the guy I went out with on/off for eleven years... Nope. Never met his parents. And we lived only about 5 miles from each other. (But, that's a whole 'nother can of worms too. His family dynamics were messed up.)

I met Mr.2Young's mother today. These are the hazards of living in a small town where everyone works at one of 3 places.

His mother is my random colleague's assistant. (The one who set us up. Who is objecting to being called a "Random Colleague" on this blog. So... We'll call him Ramses.)

I have super-randomly been assigned to a committee that Ramses is chairing and that Mr.2Young's mother is assisting.

It was sssslllliggggttlly awkward, if only because I had no idea if she knew of my existence or not. (Not that there's any reason for her to, but I get the feeling that Mr.2young is the kind of person who tells his parents everything.)

It was a very brief hello. I went back to Ramses' office after the meeting, and when I left Mom2young asked if I wanted to stay for tea and cookies. (This is not as weird as it sounds. Ramses' office has tea and cookies every day at 4pm. Actually, lots of places on this campus do. We even have an endowment specifically for tea and cookies. It's my favorite endowment.)

I rushed out of there with the excuse of too much work. Which is not a lie but a stretch. I could have sat down and had tea, but I felt so awkward.

Mr.2Young texted me afterward to tell me that his mother was really nervous to meet me.

Huh.

That's... not what I expected.

I told him his mother was probably thinking I was way too old for him. He said no, but asked if that's what *I* was thinking.

I said yes... but that I was trying to overlook it because he seems like such a great guy.

It's hard for me to let someone like me. I'm working on it. I haven't canceled our sunday plans, which is kind of my panicky inclination to do.

It's a work in progress.

A tale of two dates, part #2

I went apple-picking with Mr.2Young this weekend. It was an idyllic day-- the sky bright blue and cloudless with red and green apples against it-- so gorgeous. We picked apples, and tasted, and sat under an apple tree until the orchard closed... and then kept sitting under the tree until we realized we were the only ones left at the farm! (On the plus side, the farmer had put the cash register away, and so told us to just keep the apples. Sweet!)

I keep fighting my instincts with Mr.2young because I really feel that he's not the one for me (not just because he's too young, but just where we are in our lives, which is only sort-of based on his age... )

However, he is outshining men who are twice his age. He could give lessons on how to date, because he's practically perfect. He makes an effort to dress up. He compliments me often (and sincerely! as far as I can tell...). He gets close-- but not TOO close. He's polite. He's generous (esp. given how poor he is.) He makes a point of telling me how he'd like to see me again without being pushy. He's forthright and lays his intentions all out on the table. He is really kind, volunteering his time to help at-risk kids. He sends me emails and texts to see how my day is going (while not coming off as pushy or intrusive.)

Just... all together... a well-played game. But he's not a player. He's just really, really, really nice. And he's made it clear he really likes me. Which kinda scares me... because that's a lot to live up to all at once without really knowing someone. And part of me is rather confused as to why he would like me... (and yes, I have let some of these insecurities show through... But I'm trying to do better at hiding them!)

I have problems letting people like me. Because the moment they like me is the moment I see what's wrong with them. And what's wrong with them is that they have the poor sense to like me!

If he were older/had his life more together though I think I would probably be mentally picking out wedding invitations at this point. (Because I get kooky that way...)

As it is, I'm kind of just wanting to ... well... run away. And fast... It's taking a lot in me to not just blow him off at this point, though part of me feels I should because I don't see it going anywhere, but I can see him being hurt and feeling I led him on. (or maybe I'm just projecting.)

I don't know. I feel really confused about this one.

It would be a lot easier if he was a jackass (and, also! If he looked older than 17! I mean, he's 22, but he looks even younger.)

I did make plans to get together with him next Sunday though...