The Sweater

Because I know YOU'VE done it too.... :-p

Warning, TMI ahead.

Npapaya may want to skip this one--- Just a heads up... :-)

It's been now about 3 weeks with no communication from Muckraker. I didn't expect any, but it would have been nice. So, I'm doing what my friends have suggested, and what I know I should be doing... moving along to other prospects.

And the other prospects are great, they really are. I'm actually fairly lucky at the moment to have so many.

But. But. But. The only one I actually want is Muckraker.

The other prospects are cute, and funny, and attractive, and I think that the chemistry could be there.

But. I want Muckraker. Like, an aching, physical want. Like getting all hot-and-bothered just thinking of him type of want.

I have to say this is pretty rare for me, and I think it's definitely contributed to the reason I'm so hung up on him. I feel like I'm in high school again, and all I want to do is be alone with him in the backseat of a car and hope my mom doesn't find out, kind of feeling.

As much as my head tells me to let go and move on to guys who have no problems saying things like, "I wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I fell asleep," I can't. Why? Because the physical pull-- even after 3 weeks of nothingness-- is too strong, and it's driving me C-R-A-Z-Y! As strong as this feels you'd think that Muckraker and I would have kissed or made out, or even held hands, or something... right? And yet, no.

And so do I need Npapaya and Ro, and Kay and others telling me how fucked up in the head I am right now? No, because believe me, I'm telling myself the same thing. Unfortunately my head and the rest of my body seem not to be communicating.

Part of me thinks I should just let it go, enjoy the ride as this type of chemistry happens so rarely for me-- (Mind you, yes, I realize that at the moment I don't know if this is more than one-sided.) I've thought about starting something casual with Muckraker, getting this out of my system... this seems like a good idea for the first 10 seconds I think about it.

Npapaya pointed out that if I were contemplating a casual relationship with Atlas she would have been all for it, as there wasn't any chance I would fall for him and get hopelessly entangled emotionally. With Muckraker? It doesn't take to much effort to imagine the aftermath of a no-strings-attached kind of thing. I recognize it would not be pretty as I certainly don't feel casually about him. And unfortunately, I have to admit that it looks like he feels pretty casually about me, if in fact he feels anything at all.

So, I'm going around and around in circles and getting very, very dizzy, but not coming to much of a solution. Yes, I'm going out with the other guys, and my head knows this is the best thing to do... But does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make the rest of me behave as well?

*sigh*

Even on a slow day I can have a three way...

...chat that is.

It's about 3:30am and I just got off the phone with Science guy. How did this happen, you might be asking yourself? I'm kind of wondering myself....

This was an interesting evening, especially as I have spent the past few days having a pity party (It's Christmas. Family will do that to you.) and I've been grody, greasy, and pigging out to fill the deep empty emotional hole inside me... (Ha. Ha. Yes, that last bit was mostly a joke. Really. I'm ok.)
So, all this to say that I wasn't feeling too hot about myself and generally feeling like I may as well call it quits where dating is concerned and perhaps there's a nice cave somewhere in France where I can go and live out the rest of my life. Ha. Ha. Ha. (No, not actually laughing this time.)

So I was on facebook, (yes, all my friends are very shocked, I know,) and Science guy messages me using the chat feature.

In short succession someone else messages me.... We'll call him Griffith. (Why? After Andy Griffith, that most famous of single dads... Again, Why? Because this guy has baggage---in form of a kid.)

A little background on Griffith-- He's cute, very Irish looking, a bit on the short side for what I usually go for, but he always has a grin and a gleam in his eye that seems to say to me "I"m thinking what you're thinking." And how do I know this? Because I sat across the table from him in our crappy, crappy grad course last term, which is where I met him. He's smart, he's funny, he's irreverent, and he seems like an all-around really decent guy.... and oh... did I mention, he has a kid??? Yeah, I'm a little hung up on that mostly because, ya know, I certainly don't need any baby mama drama... but I think there's an interesting story there. This guy has primary custody of his son (age 7), which is practically unheard of. The kid's mom is in WV, and so Griffith is going to school full time and raising his son on his own.

I find this to be... interesting... Don't know quite what to make of it.

So while I had good interactions with him, and I even mentioned to one of my friends that that I was kind of interested, I didn't plan on pursuing anything.

Griffith and I were chatting online, and though we've emailed and talked a few times I didn't really get a vibe that he was "into" me. As we were chatting though I started to think that-- ok, maybe he is. It turns out he's out of town for the remainder of the break, but he asked if I'd like to get together when he's back in town.

{Grin} Why yes, yes I would like to do that.

We chatted a bit more (all the while I'm carrying on a parallel conversation with Science guy, which was confusing... kept thinking I would write to the wrong one by accident), and dare I say it--flirted (???) a bit more too.

Feeling kinda good about that one.... Moving on to Science Guy.

I don't know how we got on the topic of our last date-- remember that? But do you recall how I felt he wasn't really into me because he didn't ask me to stick around for coffee or... well... anything after that movie? Well, it turns out he felt I was giving him the brush off because I had mentioned vague plans for later that day. And when he had mentioned plans to go shopping (which I read as--Brush off!), he had actually been inviting me to go with him.

Huh. Who knew. Guys are weird. (heh. He was all like- Chicks are weird. (and yes, I disapprove of the "chicks" label. We may have to work on this.))

So he starts writing to me and saying "I find you very cute, and very sexy, and very cute."

And I'm all--- um. ok. What do I say to that? His response-- "You have trouble accepting compliments, don't you?"

Why yes, yes I do. Thank you for noticing. * (Side note: I have trouble accepting compliments because, frankly, I always feel that people are lying to me. I have issues, I know, but that's one hurdle I just can't seem to cross... and so the more I'm complimented, the more I feel someone is lying to me, and the more I distrust them and start to disengage from them. Did I also happen to mention that-- "Yes, I know why I'm single.")

He also asked me, "When can I call you?" I replied, "I'm really not much of a phone person."

We ended our chat around 1 am as he was leaving early for a trip the next day (well, today!).

15 minutes later I get a text from him. I answer. He texts back. I answer... and he calls me.

"I just wanted to hear the sound of your voice before I fall asleep." he says to me.

We get to talking (of course we do!) and every time I start to say--" really, we should hang up now," he says, "No, please don't go yet!"

And so we talk and talk about all sorts of things that I've been thinking and mentioned on this blog, and he tells me about his past relationships, and how he was nearly engaged (Side note: Seriously! Why do I seem to be getting all of these people with relationship baggage! Is this just because I'm skewing old these days? Sheesh!), and what he's looking for.

We also had an interesting conversation and candid conversation about the fact that we're also looking at other dating possibilities online and elsewhere. Both very grown-up about it I think, and both agreeing that even if nothing were to work out between us we'd be able to remain friends.

He also discussed the fact that he finds dating difficult up here (being in the middle of nowhere!) and being Indian, and how women tend to dismiss him or have preconceived notions about him because he's Indian. He talked about how though some of his friends, and even his brother, looked to their parents for arranged marriages with traditional Indian girls, that he prefers more independent American girls. (Which, frankly, all well and good-- because traditional is sooooo not me!)

I pointed out that was the reason I had given him access to my facebook page-- because not much says "Militant feminist" the way my facebook page does. And really, isn't it better to know what you're getting ahead of time?

And he said yes, he got that from my page. He also added that there were some things we differed on. (Of course I jumped right on it and said... LIKE WHAT?)

He answered, that while I'm very sure of my beliefs, and very passionate about them, he doesn't get too worked up about anything. I pressed him on GLBT rights-- (Since that's one of my deal-breaker issues,)--and he said frankly he didn't care one way or another about them, and he thought there were much more important things people should be focused on-- like, say, the WAR--and why was every politician focused on gay rights at this point in time. We talked about it a bit, and I made it clear that it's one of my non-negotiables, but given how conservative India is when it comes to GLBT issues I almost feel that his "Don't care" stance, is practically equivalent to draping himself in a rainbow flag and leading the parade. (Don't try to dissuade me! My mind is made up! Heh.)

He also said he recognized the day that he met me that I have a "My way or the Highway" stance on life, (Which he thinks I should reexamine, but I feel he needs to get on board or get off the damn highway already, because he's blocking my path. Heh. Ok, Ok, Npapaya and Ro and others *might* have mentioned the same thing to me... )

Frankly, that he knows all this and *still* wants to get together is a pretty good sign, right?

We finally got off the phone at 3:30am.

Interesting night.

And oh, did I mention I have two more promising leads online?

Merry Christmas to me!

Not all in my head!

I think I'm in a good place right now. I'm enjoying having a crush without obsessing over it the way I did a few weeks ago.

I had lunch with my friend Nell today. She is also friends with Muckraker (She didn't know about my crush... during most of our conversation over lunch...), and she had some interesting perspectives on him. In part she agreed with NPapaya, and in part she agreed with me (who has rose colored glasses on.)

Nell pointed out Muckraker's mature/yet immature dual nature. He seems to want to relive his lost, non-misspent, youth. (Apparently he was a nerd-- which, frankly he kinda still is.... ) So he's hanging out in frat basements... which-- um EW! And hanging with a fratty, douchey crowd.

But both she and I have trouble reconciling that with the guy who I have really intense conversations with... And she's had great conversations (Though, non-flirty ones) with him too, and she finds him to be brilliant. She also pointed out that she feels like he has some sort of trauma in his past that is keeping him from moving forward-- (Some of his issues I know about already having read some of his works.)

Funnily enough she was also like-- "Wait, you mean you guys *aren't* dating? Everyone in our group (of mutual master's program friends) assumed you were already dating!"

And I was like-- Uh, no! "He hasn't contacted me or asked me out or anything!" and she was responded, "What the hell is his problem? Because it certainly seemed like you were already a couple the last few times I saw you!"

To which I was like-- "Uh, THANK YOU! Exactly! WTF is wrong with him?"

And she was like--- "It's mature immaturity..." And she was said, "I really like him, I think he's a great guy, and you should give him a chance-- you should definitely date him-- but yeah, he does have an immature streak, so don't wait around for him either."

And I'm totally not waiting around-- I've been out with Science guy, and there are a couple other irons in the fire online.

So, that's where things stand now. But it made me feel good to know I hadn't imagined his interest! I mean, she said even one of Muckraker's (pretty close) guy friends thought Muckraker and I were dating... so, there you go! Not all in my head!

Now all the idiot needs to do is actually ASK me out!!! Or be in some kind of contact!

Men! Are they all this idiotic?

I don't care HOW "open" your relationship is...

... Just, NO!

Subject line: Howdy!

Hi. I am married and in an open relationship. My wife and I love each other and are devoted to one another and to our family. We are best friends: more like bro and sis then lovers. We have set each other free to date other people. My wife is currently involved with another guy. She is happy, and so am I.

Um... No. Just. No. In fact, I think there are websites specifically set up for people into swinging. Maybe you should check one of THOSE out.

Yes. This. Exactly.

From Sex, Lies & Dating in the City

She said it much better than I could, so I'll just quote her below in the part that particularly resonated... But go read the whole thing...

* * *


A few years ago I cut a certain friend out of my life. There were a lot of reasons for it. But the moment I knew I had to do it was when I was trying to explain to her that I was upset with her complete and utter lack of support for me, when I needed it, and her response was, "But you're so strong. You don't need anyone."

There are people who see me that way. Men who look at me that way. Who look at me and assume that I am invulnerable. That all I need out of a relationship is some interesting dinner conversation and hot sex (yeah, those things are good, too).

The man I am looking for, the one who will be my appropriate and ideal partner (ideal is such a hot button word, but I'm going to go with it here) will see me and understand that what I need almost more than anything is someone I can be vulnerable with. Someone who will let me be weak around them. Someone who will understand that all of that strength is exhausting and takes its toll, year after year and that one of the greatest gifts that he can give me is the ability to just let him be strong for me, sometimes, so that I don't have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders every second of every day.

And how does a guy do that? Not by being arrogant or displaying his innate, superior value. One minute of that crap and I'll laugh in his face. On my more charitable days I say that everyone on the planet is of equal value (on other days I mutter about how most people are worthless pieces of shit). No, it's something I can't really articulate well. But there are men who understand how to be strong and confident without being arrogant. Who can lead without being pushy. Who can take control of situations without being a bully.

Mistakes Were Made

Science guy knows about the blog. Well. Not THIS blog, but he knows there is A blog.

It kinda came out by accident...He asked me, oh so casually why I was on {random dating site, not the one we met on}. Like a deer in the headlights I blurted out the most innocuous answer I could think of... "It's for my blog."

MmmmHmmm.

Nevermind that him seeing me on that dating site meant HE was on that dating site too.... (Yes, I did ask him that when I came to my senses... His response? "Um, I'm looking for friendship." Uh, huh. I think my response was better.)*

*(Side note: Yes I know that I'm looking elsewhere, and yes I have been assuming that he is too, however I do feel like it's bad form to actually SAY so, you know what I mean? Let's keep up the illusion at least that you like me so much that you simply can't imagine looking elsewhere. I mean, hell-- I feel like I'm polite enough to be doing that! Am I wrong? Would it be better on a guy's ego to say-- "You know what Science guy? I like you. I think you're cute, and smart, and funny (even if there are some red flags). But you know who I like better than you? Muckraker. (Or even Atlas for a time.), So, I'll keep seeing you, because I don't know where things are going with those other guys, but in the meantime I'll bring them up ever so casually in conversation, just to keep you off-balance and guessing." I mean, seriously-- Is that just me? Or is that rude?)

Anyhoo-- to give him fair shakes, Science Guy was a little annoyed at being the subject of a blog. To which I told him, "Look, I haven't said anything bad about you. I've been pretty complimentary. I'll continue to be so unless you turn into an asshole, in which case you'll have no one to blame but yourself." Am I right? Or am I right?

So, we made plans to get together tomorrow, and then realized the timing wouldn't work around my other plans. So made plans tentatively for Tuesday... but then realized that might not work because of his work schedule... then made plans kinda for Friday, but couldn't agree on what to do... So where does that leave us? At the moment, Plan-less.

He did ask if I wanted to get together for Christmas. I felt kind of guilty-- I mean, yes, I'm complaining about hanging out with my family for Christmas, but at the same time it's kind of obligatory.

He doesn't celebrate Christmas, but he also has no family and no friends in the area yet, so I felt kind of bad. I suppose I could have invited him to be with my family but that would just have been all kinds of awkward.

So, where does that leave things? Not sure.... Super helpful, I know.

I don't know-- Do people think there are ethical issues involved about writing about people who don't know they're being written about? Maybe-- Though I do take pains to hide their identities, and I think that most of them wouldn't recognize themselves on here unless they were explicitly told they were being written about.

I think about people potentially writing about me. (Well, I don't think I'm nearly interesting enough, but it's possible I suppose.) I think that as long as it was anonymous, and I remained oblivious I'd be ok with it. However, I will acknowledge I did not do a good job of keeping Science Guy oblivious-- My bad!

I also gave Science Guy my real phone number (as opposed to work extension.) This may also have been a mistake. I don't think he is/will turn into a crazy ass stalker, but when I gave him my number he said, "I've given all the girls in NH my real number! That's not fair."

Anyone else catch the red flag there? "All the girls"? Come on, dude! You're ruining the illusion! I'm supposed to be the only one you want! (At the very least the only one you want when you're talking to ME!)

Sheesh! Do I have to teach you everything!?!?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Science guy asked me out again today... (in the most lukewarm way possible...)

Not really sure what's up with that since he didn't seem really inclined to hang out after our last date. (We met for a movie... and NOTHING else, not even coffee or anything to discuss the movie, even though I hinted at it. And since we didn't do anything but see the movie, I couldn't have done anything that would have turned him off. I didn't stink. I promise. :- p )

And he waited a week to ask me. And he asked me to do something this afternoon.... via email... and I had plans. (Well, plans to stay in my pjs anyway.)

I don't know. I'll probably tell him we can get together sometime over winter break. Yes, I'm still so mooney-eyed over Muckraker that there's not really anyone else I want to give a chance to, but since this guy seems rather lukewarm about me too-- who knows, it might be the start of something beautiful.

Heh.

Raise your hand if you don't know why THIS guy is single!!!

BWahahahahahaha! Omigawed! I'm laughing so hard... PHew! Hahahaha!

Got the most (inadvertently) hilarious email today. This guy seems to think he's God's Gift to women.

I think I know why he's single. Can YOU spot why he's single???

BWAHAHAHA!!!

{wiping tears of laughter away}

Enjoy:


Headline: I am Exceptional, Decisive, and Sophisticated

Message:
Maybe we should think about getting together and doing something sometime. Even if it was just short-term dating.

(Wow! Thanks for that offer! That's swell of you! Letting me know ahead of time that you want me for short-term dating. SWEET! I'll totally rush to take you up on that.)

And there's more! (Why wouldn't there be!??!)



I made a decision that I'm only going to let one girl as anything more than a friend into my life at a time. This happened after meeting someone super duper special and deciding that I needed to slow down tremendously.

I've met a lot of girls lately. For awhile, it was just about falling for whoever had their arms open and wanted me. The truth is that now, particularly with who I've evolved into, I've realized that I'm a lot better than that.

So what you, as a viewer need to know is that I am not seeing anyone right now as anything more than a friend and that if you would like to include yourself in that group of friends who might become something more, that would be nice.

I'll talk to you because I don't discriminate until I get to know a person.
You'll find that I am everything I say I am (honest, sophisticated, exciting, romantic, funny, confident and exceptional in many ways) .

Maybe we'll instant message or exchange emails for a little bit before I ask to talk on the phone.
Maybe we'll talk on the phone or text each other before I ask to see you.
Maybe we'll meet up and I'll have a great time before we go on a date.
Maybe we'll go on a date or two before the emotion starts to overtake at which point I'll either tell you that I want to just stay friends or ask whether you want to be the girl in my life.
And if you're lucky, you'll have a choice to make.
And if you're special, you'll make me happy.



Hmmmm... Doesn't this guy remind you of Dimitri?

Yeah, there's TOTALLY nothing wrong with this guy.... Bwhahaha!

Personals: ur doin it rite...

A pretty good one today... Made me smile, profile was cute, and so was this email...

I read your profile and it was pretty funny. I loved the pics too (that's my way of saying you're cute). Do you need a snow shoveler too? How about a bug squisher and a jar opener?

I think this one gets an answer. We shall see...

Well, with all that to recommend you,

.. How could I say "No"?

hi how are you i am 37 i have afull time job and own my own car and home

Haven't we all been here?

No, I'm not really feeling that pathetic about Muckraker... but I was reminded of this song today while watching Moonstruck, and I realized I need to find my old Vicki Carr cd... Love her!

And this song? This feeling? Isn't it universal...? Come on, admit it.. .you've been there too...

The perfect afternoon with the perfect man...

Is there anything better than laying around on a snowy day in bed with the perfect man? He's handsome, sensitive, charming, romantic, sincere, funny, gentle (yet ruggedly strong), attentive... oh, I could go on and on.

Ok, yes. He's only to be found within the pages of my trashy book, but sometimes that's all you need. (That, and those other amazing men-- Ben & Jerry... Mmmm Baby. You know just how I like it.)

Yes, I'm a smart bitch who loves trashy books. Never read a trashy romance? Think they're ridiculous? Yeah, 3/4 of them are... But drop me a note, and I'll point you to some good ones if you need help picking something out.

In the meantime, I've got to get back to Anatole and his haunted castle, and his fated virgin bride that he married by proxy... (Thanks Beth for that one~). Oooo, baby....

This is why you're single

So, evidently there's a tv show I was unaware of on TLC called This is why you're single.

As I haven't heard of it, I suspect that it's not super awesome. However, I do have DVR so I'll record a couple episodes and let you know.

Head meet Desk

Muckraker? Is that you?

Do I recognized my pathetic self in this article? Oh, yes... Yes I do...

Yes, this was my ACTUAL result...

A little uncanny...????!!!

Quiz by Onlinedating.org
Quiz brought to you by Online Dating

Because I'm obviously smitten with your conversational skills

Yes, this was the entire message:


Interested.??

Male
New York
age 18:
please respond with answer.


Oooo, yeah baby. Sweet talk me!

In addition? 18 years old?!?! Ummm... no.

Should I be a 5th grade girl?

I got a note from our department administrator letting me know that I got a much-coveted spot in an Environmental Studies class. There is a line out the wazoo to get into this class because it fulfills a very specific requirement that is needed in order to graduate.

Given the demand for the course I had planned on taking a different course-- one I'm actually very excited about as it's on feminism and gender history in the 1950s. the Environment? meh. I just need the credit for the requirement.

However, many of my lovely friends are taking the class, so I thought it wouldn't be bad to take, so I put myself on the waiting list.

Then the term schedule came out.

The Environmental studies class is Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 10-12noon. In addition, it requires an extra term paper from the 1950s course. The 1950s course is only on Thursdays from 10-1:30. (Pretty nice, right?)

So, I wasn't bummed about not getting into the Environmental course, other than having to wait until the summer to fulfill this stupid requirement (But that won't keep me from graduating on time or anything, it's just a pain because I don't know what will be offered in the summer yet to fulfill this requirement.)

So why am I now considering taking this course?

Award yourself 10 points if you said "Because Muckraker is taking it."

*Sigh* (I am so pathetic. I totally recognize that. Never mind that he's not been in touch with me at all since last Monday!!! (WTF! Seriously!))

Ok, so I don't have to make a decision until the 1st week of classes, at which point I have to drop one, so I've got awhile to stew on this. I could potentially take the 1950s course as an independent study. However, if I take the Environmental course I don't have to declare a "major" until the summer (as opposed to taking the 1950s course, which would mean I have to declare now... it's weird and complicated, I know. And STOOOPID.)

But yes, really the 1950s course is just slightly tipping the balance... until you add in the (torturous????) prospect of seeing Muckraker 3 times/week for 2 hours, in which case the Environmental course makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Sooo Stooopid! So 5th grade!!

So. Which one do I take?

Meh.

I had a date with Science Guy today. He seems perfectly nice and I do find him attractive... but... (shrug)... Meh.

No, that's not (just) because I'm hung up Muckraker. Even if that wasn't the case I don't know that I would be into Science guy.

I might still give him another chance or two, since there are things I do like about him, but I don't see it going far.

In other news I heard from a mutual friend that Muckraker is leaving for winter break on Monday. (I also heard confirmation from that mutual friend that yes, Muckraker is single.) I admit I'm fairly annoyed he hasn't been in touch. *sigh*

Well, in any situation I think there's always one person who is more into someone than that someone is into them. It just sucks that in this case that person is *me*!

Overthinking

Yes, I over think things. Duh. I shouldn't, I know.

One of the ways in which I over think things is that when I like someone I imbue any emails/texts etc. sent with all sorts of mille-feuille levels of meaning. As if he's going to somehow divine what I really mean when I say, "I had fun last night.: (Secret meaning? Take me now, I'm yours.)

So I realized today that there are 3 other guys I'm currently corresponding with who are straight and single. I'm corresponding with them as friends, really have no interest in them, and they're about the same level of acquaintance friends that Muckraker is.

Do I double, triple and quadruple think what I'm emailing to these guys? No, no I don't. Do I think they're secretly reading "I want you" messages in my mundane emails? No.

So why do I do this with Muckraker then? It's silly. I know, I've got to stop. I am stopping.

I saw something online this evening that made me think of Muckraker. Were he a "normal" friend (one in whom I don't have an interest,) I wouldn't think twice about sending the link to him. So why was I hesitating?

Guess what. I sent the link. Whoooooo! Shocking, I know. (Shrug).

Oh well. If that makes or breaks this thing, there wasn't much there anyway, right?

And if I can't treat someone I like as my friend, what's the point? Right?

Scary, not sexy!

Subject line: Take away love, and our Earth is a Tomb

Message: HI,

I just came across your profile, and find you
very attractive. I hardly thought that there
existed such a woman outside the picture frame,or the covers of a romance nove. Call me! {user name)

All I want for Christmas...

Side note...

I'm going out with Science Guy this weekend. Eh. What the hell. No reason not to. (Besides my utter infatuation with someone else. But besides that...)

A girl's gotta keep her options open.

10 messages too many...

I was contacted by a guy a few weeks ago. He seemed fairly cute and reasonable in his profile on Yahoo. I don't subscribe to yahoo, but that's not usually a problem. When I'm contacted by someone I like, I usually send back a free "wink" and the person on the other end usually gets the hint and sends back their email address.

So, that's what I did with this guy. And he didn't get the hint. And now I'm sooooo glad he didn't. Because I sure as hell now know why he's single!

10 messages in two weeks. TEN!!!!to someone who has never written you back! Each message increasing in intensity and craziness! TEN! Each message getting longer and longer about how we're soulmates and destined to be together and how he only has to look into my eyes (um... on the fucking computer screen!) to know it!

SCARY! Thank god we didn't ACTUALLY meet! Or communicate! I can practically see the Lifetime movie of the week now... "She thought he was prince charming, but he was the devil in disguise... he thought she was his soulmate, he could see it in her eyes... Dangerous Love, Fatal Obsession this week... only on Lifetime..."


There is an awful lot of crazy out there in the world, let me tell you!

To go, or not to go? That is the question.

Science Guy wants to see a movie this weekend. There's no reason to say no. He seemed like a very nice guy when we met, we had a good conversation.

Nothing is really going on at this point (or perhaps ever) with Muckraker. I know I should keep my options open.

On the other hand, I'm really not interested much in Science Guy given how infatuated I am with Muckraker.

Do I give it a shot? Potentially drawing out that whole awkward "I'm just not into you" moment? He might be a really great guy, but the truth is I'm so fixated on someone else at this point that I probably wouldn't even see it.

On the other hand, I don't want to throw back Science Guy. Things could be over before they start with Muckraker, and then I would have thrown away a perfectly good chance to date someone.

So.... Someone tell me what to do?

All that glisters is not gold

(No, that is not a typo, it's from Shakespeare. That's right, showing off, uh-huh!)

Why that title? Because I feel more sensible tonight! Yippee! In spite of probably having too much to drink and lowering my inhibitions (which I usually like kept firmly in place, uh-huh.)

So who no longer glisters? That would be Muckraker. And yes, I am actually happy about that! (I'm a complicated girl, I know!)

First of all, why am I so happy that I no longer view him with ga-ga goggles? Need I say more? Ga-ga goggles are not good for much other than having one's head in the clouds.

Do I still like him? A lot? Yes. Has some of the glister worn off to show the brass beneath? Yes. That's not a bad thing, that's reality. And I appreciate reality! I can work with reality! I cannot work when my head feels like it's not screwed on straight.

This evening I went out to celebrate the end of classes with a couple of friends. I'd been in my pjs all day, and gross and hadn't showered, but I didn't do much before going out to look good (well, I don't leave the house without make-up, so there you go...) because I was going out with my gay boys. (Love the gays! Yea! Got to cuddle with a friend. Sometimes that's all you really need.)

We went to dinner and then they mentioned that a group of people were at another restaurant. I thought I'd join them for a bit, and of course it turned out that Muckraker was there.

I was annoyed that he hadn't been in touch with me since last week... (ok, ok, that was only 3 days since last he was in touch with me. But still! That's a WHOLE OTHER week ago! Thursday to Monday!) In any case I'd been doubting myself quite a bit given his silence. At the restaurant his behaviour seemed to indicate that he didn't particularly care about talking to me, though we made slight small talk.

The group moved to another bar (as this group seems to do)... and I thought "What the hell? I need to celebrate the end of the term." So I joined them and Muckraker proceeded to get hammered... (yet somehow retain a lot of control over his faculties, so I don't know how much is an act.)

Fortunately this time I had remained pretty sober, having eaten and having only two drinks spaced about 5 hours apart.

I have to say we did have a good conversation-- not as good as the other night, but we seem to find stuff to talk about pretty easily.

Though he seems little interested in me when he's sober, he does seem fairly interested when he's hammered. I don't know if I should be insulted by this or not. Many of his comments were flirtatious, but I have to say the one that kind of threw me for a loop was when he asked about my shoes. Yes, I have a thing for shoes-- I guess I'm kind of known for that.

He asked me why I wasn't wearing my heels tonight--he said there was a pair he liked very much. (They're MY favorites too!!! Faryl Robin Fenway! Google that shit! But don't buy them in size 10, or I may have to hurt you!) He asked me why I always kicked off my shoes in class... was I trying to kick off the patriarchy? (Hah!)
I have to admit I was rather astonished to hear that he had been paying that much attention.

I couldn't believe we had anything left to talk about, but evidently we did. Some stuff came out though that put my mental brakes on a screeching halt, and my inner Judgy McJudgerton was very disapproving. So much so that I'm thinking... there's no way I could be with this guy. NO WAY. (See! To all my friends who thought I'd lost my marbles, I knew they weren't gone forever!)

Do I still like him? Yes. Do I still want to make out with him (and lots of other fun stuff that will not be mentioned here)? Yes.

Do I think there's much of a future? No. Not unless he were to change those things that he mentioned. And I would never make anyone else change for my sake.

Do I think I can do the fun stuff without hope about a future? ... That, I don't know. I talk a good game, but I admit that I've never been able to really be with anyone I don't envision a future with-- It's not really in my nature. I'd like to be a Samantha, but let's face it-- I'm more conservative than Charlotte.

So, where do I go from here? I don't know... Let things go wherever they may I suppose.

I feel like I'm not imagining his intentions though. At the end of the night he gave me a hug. He buried his face in my hair and kissed my temple. Three times. He squeezed my arm. He said, "I'll see you soon." (To which, you'll be proud to know, I did NOT exclaim "How soon is soon!?!!??! I need to know! Exactly and down to the minute!!!") Is this just extreme friendliness? Drunkeness? Try to get with a girl who seems like she might sleep with you-ness? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

But, who says I'm not trying to get with a guy who seems like he might sleep with me (and yes, I with him)? And be fucking amazing to talk to? Not often that you get both of those things in one package.

All that being said, do not be surprised if I kick him to the curb sooner than not either. That is, after all, my M.O. ... And now that the glister is gone, and I've found a flaw... well, I can almost hear the stopwatches starting.

But maybe I'll hang onto this one a bit longer. Time will tell.

After the Highs come the Lows

Of course after the high of Wednesday I would experience a low. Especially since I've only had one email communication for Muckraker.

I know I can't get worked up about it. He certainly doesn't owe me anything. In fact, though his behaviour implies that he's single, he's never actually said so. (Thus making my ever-so-wonderful and protective friends very suspicious and much more guarded than I am.)

In fact my friends Ro & Kay seem to be particularly concerned about the prospect that he's playing me. I've given away too much, been too vulnerable they tell me. They're not wrong, and I realize that, and it makes me nervous and scared. Honestly, I behaved (and am still behaving!) in the most uncharacteristic ways! That makes me very nervous. I pride myself on not losing my head, and there I go losing it for a guy who can string a few pretty words together.

Did Muckraker seem insincere at all on Wednesday? No, he didn't. (Though, if he's a player, as Ro points out, of course he wouldn't, now would he?) And my instincts were telling me he was being honest, and that he was demonstrating interest. Could I be mistaken? Absolutely. In fact, I'm doubting myself quite a bit as he has not been in touch with me.... even though I have it from a mutual friend that he had time to go to a party over the weekend. a party I could have been invited to, had he been so inclined.

So yes, that development seems to indicate that he's either #1) not really interested, or #2) playing me, or #3) some combination of the two. (Option #4 I'm missing???)

One slight development that makes me less inclined to write him off is the fact that I found out a good friend is one degree separated from him. In fact, when he moved here in the summer she was introduced to him (unbeknownst to me) by her good friend who went on and on about what a great guy Muckraker is. She trusts this friend a great deal, she says. As for me? I trust her. It certainly is a slight point in his favor.

Meanwhile, being brought back down to earth by loyal friends who are watching out for me has not reduced the amount of time I spend (in spite of myself!!!) in idiotic daydreams. Believe me, if I could stop such ridiculous behaviour I would, as I am getting NOTHING accomplished on the final paper I ought to be working on.

Did I misread his interest? Is he a nice guy who just happens to be really interested in people as a side effect of his journalistic profession? I'm not discounting this possibility either.

On Wednesday he seemed completely present and engaged and interested though. Now it feels rather like "out of sight, out of mind." Which sucks. shrug

I promised Kay I would not make the next move though, and I think she's right about that, as I was the one to initiate most contacts. This isn't about playing games, as I'm not into that at all. I've been clear about where my interest lies though, and I have enough pride to not want someone who isn't clear about wanting me in return.

He knows how to reach me. And I'm not waiting on anyone.

Science guy wants to go this week. I might just say "yes."

Easy come, easy go.... but, oh, what a night...

In Vino Veritas

Still off-kilter from last night.

I don't quite know what happened. I'm more than a little shell-shocked by the whole thing (in a good way. I think. I'm pretty sure.) I'm just, frankly, without words... which is not good for a blog post, and also because I want to share. Because I don't even know what to make of what happened last night...

Monday was the penultimate day of classes. Muckraker totally ignored me which only gave credence to my friend's message that he just isn't in to me. Nonetheless, I had dressed up that day... (yes, kinda with him in mind...still hoping, ya know!)... but I was resigned when he had zero interaction with me, and I took this to mean that--Yes, he really doesn't like me.

Yesterday was the last day of classes. I didn't bother making an effort this time in the way that I looked since evidently I could have a paper bag over my head and it would have the same effect. Class was terrible, (as usual!) but afterwards a group of students were hanging about and Muckraker asked if I'd like to join them for drinks. Obviously this surprised me, but I thought sure, why not.

Walking to the pub Muckraker asked me questions about myself that indicated he had been paying some sort of attention to what I had been saying. He started probing for my life story, which I felt was a bit odd given his previous lack of attention to me at all.

One of our professors joined a group of 6 of us at the pub, and though I was seated next to Muckraker he spent most of his time talking to our prof. There were a few seemingly flirtateous comments directed towards me that--again--left me feeling puzzled, but I spent most of that early evening talking to another friend.

We left that pub, and a few members of our group also left, but a couple of people decided to hit another pub for more drinks. Mind you, I hadn't had anything to eat that day other than a few pretzels and egg drop soup, and so my head was kind of spinning. Perhaps I should have thought better of it, but I decided to join the group for another round. Muckraker was there and I kind of got the impression he was into another girl in our group. Given that she is everything I'm not (slim, blond, perky, beautiful), I didn't blame him, but also didn't really care.

The group stayed at the second pub for about an hour. I felt like Muckraker spent his time focused on the girl next me. The group was leaving, and I was getting ready to go as well, but Muckraker put his hand on my arm and asked me to stay a bit longer, he wanted to talk to me. Honestly, I kind of assumed he wanted to ask me about the girl next to me to figure out what her situation is, but he didn't mention her at all.

I don't remember how our conversation got started. All I know is that the last time I felt such a connection with someone was prescicely 9 years 1 month and 27days ago. (No, get your minds out of the gutter-- not that kind of connection.) (Now, of course this kind of makes me nervous because I've also carried a bit of a torch (well, more like a tealight these days) for that person for--- oh--- say--- 9 years, 1 month and 27 days. When I fall, I fall hard.)

{Warning, florid prose ahead... you may want to skip this section if you are a little queasy}

The time flew and stood still all at once. We talked about nearly everything there is to talk about- (Well, mostly I talked while he kept insisting he didn't have much to say in the way of his personal history. He told me I had a leg up on him since I could read all about him, and he wanted to know about me.) Well, In Vino Veritas, and all that I guess because I told him things that probably only Beth, one of my dearest & oldest friends in the world, knows about me. It was, hands down, ranking up there with the 10 best conversations and nights of my life.

The more we talked the more I started to get the sense that he might actually... possibly... could it be...???... like me. Like that. WTF!? Sooooo Confused!

He asked me how old I was. 27. He asked me if I thought 40 was too old. I said no.

I told him that up until an hour or so ago I thought that he viewed me with contempt and loathing. He laughed. A lot. I could barely think straight at this point, my head was spinning. (Probably a good thing.) I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "maybe I'll tell you some day."

We stayed until the pub closed at 1am, and they kicked us out. We helped me into my coat (and asked me, being a feminist, did I mind that? I said, no.) We walked to the corner.

"Do you still think I hate you?" He asked me.
We stood there looking at each other for a long time.
"I don't know what to make of you," I answered. "You're a cipher."

He smiled. He leaned in. For a split second I thought he was going to kiss me, and then it turned into a hug.

I don't really remember how we left it... something about seeing each other--around? Something milquetoast like that.

I walked back to my car, completely puzzled and reeling and off-balance from our conversations. I don't undertand. At all. Apparently he doesn't hate me, but I also have no idea what he's actually thinking.

I got home, and was ill (thanks alcohol! Now I remember why I don't like you!) (**No, I did not drive drunk** I only had 2 beers from 7pm-1am. Alcohol just does not sit well with me.)

I tossed and turned all night. Didn't fall asleep until around 4am.

So nervous... I feel like I could actually really fall for this one, and fall hard. Given that I can't tell what his deal is, this is probably not a wise move.

Oh Lord! Help me!

ANOTHER ONE...

... No longer listed as "single" on facebook! WTF!?

Apparently all someone needs to do to get hooked up is date me and then the next person you meet is the one for you!

Whoo hoo! Any takers for my services?

Wow! You're such a catch!

I am a take charge kind of guy with a dominant personality. I love life and I have a positive attitude regardless of circumstances. I am charismatic and humorous. I am emotionally available, and I know how to please a woman.I am more dominant than submissive in the bedroom, and I like to talk dirty, role play, and fantasize. You should be an alpha female who may be dominant in her life , but who submits to her man outside of the bedroom. You should have a positive attitude,be humorous, and be educated ( or self-taught ),intelligent, and enjoy sex often. Please : don't have children that live with you, be a convicted felon, do drugs, be a party girl, or have a mental disability ( been there, done that ). If you smoke, be willing to quit ( I did, I'll show you how to). If you are overweight be willing to loose the weight ( I did, I'll show you how to ). Please be willing to dress sexy with make-up in private for my eyes only. Finally, this is not a sex ad, if that's all you want, please find someone else. Thank you for reviewing my ad.

Who can resist a guy like that, huh? Ooo baby! Sign me up!

Que Sera, Sera, and all that jazz...

I have it on fairly good authority that my crush is totally unrequited. Not surprising, and barely disappointing at this point, since I'm used to it. Oh well. That's the way crushes work.

Moving on...

Damn you, Facebook!

So, facebook is all kinds of awesome... very useful in stalking potential dates and figuring out whether or not they're "Single, networking, it's complicated" etc.

Not that I, or YOU ever do this... (Yea right. Super useful for checking out one guy who asked me out while he was still listed as "In a relationship" on facebook, changed his status to "It's complicated" the day after he asked me out, and back to "In a relationship" the next day. Don't know what his deal was, but I knew enough to know I didn't want to be a part of it.)

However, it does sting a leeettttllleee bit when a former crush/guy I went out with a few times changes his status from single to "In a relationship."

Now, I don't really care that he's in a relationship. I'm no longer into him.

It's the fact that he's "in a relationship" before me that stings.

(Not that I list my status on my facebook profile ANYWAYS... because it was just too annoying to look at that "Single" label every time I logged on.)

Still... Very annoying.

Can't Concentrate...

Of course I can't concentrate! I have a crush! I love/hate this part about being infatuated. I guess I'll have lots-o-time to dwell and stew on the 3 hour ride to grandma's house for Thanksgiving.

I'll also be able to stew over the fact that my 2 email overtures of interest were met with a maddening two word response in both cases. And those responses could be construed as flirty, or dismissive, or annoyed, or flirty (You can tell I'm holding on to this one as an explanation....), or quick-off-the-cuff no-thought responses.

I take solace in the fact that if I actually were to get involved withMuckraker I would surely find some reason to hate him and hastily dispatch him, as seems to be my M.O.

So really, for me, unrequited love is the best there is! It's the one with the least amount of muss and fuss. (Yes, I know. I need help.) Some making out would be nice though...

Oh well, I'm sure I'll find someone else to crush on in the next month or so. In the meantime I guess I'll just have to continue not being able to concentrate...

...Sigh...swoon....Sigh...

I was totally wrong. Now what?

I have a myriad of bad habits; this is something I not only acknowledge but take a certain amount of pride in. I don't ask anyone else to change to suit me, and nor would I tolerate being forced to change my ways for anyone else. So I bite my nails. And leave my clothes strewn about. And am always running late. I'll make an effort, sure, to curb those habits, but at the end of the day I know they'll only resurface. So whoever ends up with me? Better be able to put up with them. (And I with his bad habits. Equal opportunities for annoyance here!)

A couple of my particularly bad habits are pertinent to this particular story though:

1) First glance judgments. Yes, I make them, I admit it. I would also say that I'm rarely wrong. If someone seems like a skeeze at first glance, generally a good idea to stay away. Do I put people into categories? Yes, I admit it. Hippie chick. Preppy Girl. Snob. Bible Thumper. Sure, I'll get to know people after that, and I try to keep an open mind, but generally my first impressions are right. Well, at least about 99% of the time.

2) Steamrolling. I have no patience. I especially have no patience for dithering. I also, when working on a project, have no time to bother with people's hurt feelings. This is work (or school). It's not personal. The project isn't personal, and frankly I'm not going to coddle you, or dumb down the project, or take my sweet time doing something should take 5 minutes because you want it to be hearts and rainbows and come to some sort of consensus on something there doesn't need to be consensus on. If you try to make it about your feelings... well, I will overrule you, and take the project into my own hands, and frankly not have any fucking patience for your dithering ass. Too bad for you!

3) Not giving a damn what people think. Now, this is only in certain cases... I care an AWFUL LOT what people I respect think about me. But people I've written off as being dithering hearts and flowers time wasters? Not so much. So, if I don't give a damn what you think, it's because you've made it onto my "no respect" list-- ( And, well, you're probably a moron.)

4) Needing to be liked. Even by people I can't stand. Now, if I've actively given you reason to dislike me-- Eh. shoulder shrug We're cool. It's no doubt because I couldn't stand you either. But... If I haven't given you a reason to dislike me, and yet you DO dislike me??? Well, I will be much bothered by it! Sure, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but to be actively disliked and scorned by someone you've never gone out of your way to hurt? That stings. And it will bug me.

Soooooo.... What does this have to do with dating? Or the picture of Gabriel Byrne up top? (Besides the general need for eye candy?)...

I'm getting to that....

I have a crush. A mad, gigantic, all-consuming crush. On someone I couldn't stand until yesterday. And on someone I'm pretty sure actively dislikes me and thinks I'm silly, insipid, and just generally worthy of scorn and derision (He's probably not wrong about that.) omigawd do I have a crush. I can't stop thinking about him.

The Backstory

We'll call him Muckraker. I met him this summer during a graduate course in which we were randomly assigned to the same group. Now, I hate group projects (see above), and this group was filled with rather loathsome people... The hippie chick who was fond of nonsequiters, the slacker/stoner who wanted to give other people the hard work and take the easy project, the ditherer... and a couple other not-so-loathsome people such as the foreign exchange student, Muckraker... (and well, yes. Me. I'll put myself in the not-so-loathsome category, thankuverimuch, since this is my blog.)

I assumed a lot of things about Muckraker at first glance. He is a tall, lanky, kind of weatherworn guy man in his early 40s. He reminded me of a particular vermont breed, not quite crunchy-granola flower child, because he dresses far too conservatively for that with nice leather shoes, and name brand sweaters. In my mind I scornfully assigned him faux-liberal tendancies with conservative core values and tastes. He is a quiet man, saying little until he feels he has something of importance to say. (In direct contrast to me, who usually feels free to spout off about anything, no matter how inane. Another of my bad qualities!) I assumed he was a librarian. I don't know why I did, only that everything about him seemed to suggest he lived his life behind a reference desk.

There was something disquieting about him and in the way he interacted with me. It seemed different than the way he interacted with others. He put me off-balance somehow, asking questions I didn't know the answers to... and I'm someone who always knows the answers to everything. (or I think I do. Another bad quality!). Our interactions were like running your hand against the grain of fabric, not uncomfortable enough to be unpleasant, but not quite right either.

In our group, which he called together to meet that first day, he was a consensus builder-annoying in the extreme. I had a checklist, and wanted to assign roles and get the hell out of there. I admit I pushed my point of view through, and didn't give him-- or anyone else in our group a second glance. The presentation was a disjointed disaster, but with the disasters in our group it could hardly be anything else. I passed the course and thought little about any of the people in my group after that point.

This fall I started another class, and he happened to be taking it. He's not a man who draws attention to himself, and it wasn't until about half-way through the term that I even realized he was there. One of the reasons I began to notice was because he would often comment on a comment I had made in the class. And he would often contradict me.

I hate being contradicted. (Bad trait!). I'm a good debater and I can usually argue down anyone I don't agree with. (Bad trait!) I couldn't argue him down though, and I began to leave class feeling annoyed with myself, and annoyed with him, and annoyed at myself FOR being annoyed with him. Who was HE after all to be disagreeing with me? Why is his opinion so lofty? And yet, I often found myself agreeing with the points that he had made and reconsidering my opinion. Which I hate to do. (Bad trait!)

He is never mean or intemperate, rather he is thoughtful and careful and considerate in what he says and does. I admit that I don't know how to deal with people like that. I'm all loud noises and fireworks and extreme displays of emotion. He confuses me, and I don't like not having everything figured out and put into little boxes.

After class one day I was speaking with another student, and he came up to us. I felt like he pointedly ignored me, and said to her- "I need to talk to you." I took this as further evidence of his dislike, as he couldn't even be bothered to make small talk with me. At the same time I also felt like he felt that I wasn't even worthy of mustering up enough energy to actively dislike. But I rolled my eyes and left.

This past weekend we ended up at a conference together, along with a few other people in the program. The conference was dismal, and on Saturday he missed the early morning session. The other people in our group and I ended up going out to lunch, and midway through the luncheon he showed up and sat down with us, much to my dismay. I never felt like I could be easy in his presence, always feeling like every word I said was judged.

The conversation wound it's way to various topics and I started to catch Muckraker staring at me, often with a bemused expression on his face. I couldn't interpret the looks other than to feel they were somehow both amused and critical. I asked him, point blank, "What's that look for?" He just shook his head, again with the same expression.

Somehow the conversation got to the point where I asked him, "You work in the library, right?" Confused (and seemingly amused), he answered, "no," but didn't offer up any other biographical information. Everyone else in the group seemed to know him, and background information about him, but he seemed to be deliberately not giving me any information.

Annoyed, I brushed it off and as a group we walked back to the conference. He was parked intown and offered rides back, but I opted to walk, still rather shaken by our exchanges over lunch, though uncertain as to why.

Yesterday I gave a presentation in class, a solo presentation in class. I mumbled and fumbled and made some mistakes, but generally it went ok, I thought. Muckraker didn't seem to look up from the papers he was shuffling through to pay attention, but that didn't really bother me. I was just grateful he didn't bother to ask a question I couldn't answer.

Class ended, and as we were getting up to leave Muckraker came to me.

He put his hand on the small of my back, sending shivers (delightful ones, to my surprise) up my spine. He leaned in, an expression on his face I haven't seen before... dare I say-- open and friendly? He called me a rather forward and deceptively personal nickname, one I hadn't given him leave to use, and asked if he could speak to me after class...alone...out in the hallway.

My first reaction was-- "God, what is he going to criticize me about now?" What I said was, "Why?"

He said, "I wanted to talk to you about your presentation."

Me- "What about it?"

He said, "I had a suggestion." And he also said, "Why are you looking at me like that?" (Nervous/scared expression on my face, I think.)

Me- "What is it?"

Him- "Let's talk outside."

Me. (probably rolling my eyes.) "Just tell me."

Him- "I thought you might want to consider using a different title since that one has been used before."

Me- "I think it's fine."

Him- "Ok. But it was recently used in another article on the same project."

Me- "I don't think it matters." (As you can tell, I am one smmmmooothhh operator!)

And I walked away.

And something-- a slight feeling I had-- said to me that while that may have been all he was going to say, perhaps he was going to say more. Or he would have, if I hadn't completely cut him off.


And I kept thinking about him all night. And kept tossing and turning. And I felt completely off kilter.

That exchange didn't go as I would have liked. I kept replaying it, and replaying it and replaying it in my mind. I cannot figure this guy out. Does he hate me? Or not...??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM!

I always felt he treated me with the same level of amused annoyance and patience one would bestow on a particularly backward child. I recognize however that a lot of that is ME projecting those emotions onto him. He's always been quiet and respectful in actions and words, but he has always made me feel unsure of myself.

(That's why Gabriel Byrne, as professor Bhaer in Little Women is at the top of this post. I realized, that's who he reminds me of-- not in looks, but in actions and words. Always kind, but at the same time always challenging and thoughtful and unwilling to accept easy answers.)

Perhaps I need to be more unsure of myself and to have someone who (unlike Atlas) feels free and easy enough to contradict me, and yet I still respect him afterwards. In fact, I respect him more because of it.

I couldn't get him out of my mind all last night, so this morning I decided to google him. And that's when I discovered that I had been wrong about him. Really wrong about him. And really wrong to dismiss him as quickly and easily as I had when I first met him.

The guy is fucking brilliant. Amazingly, astonishingly BRILLIANT.

He was a journalist. A journalist who became a non-fiction novelist. And his books? Amazing. Amazingly brilliant. And socially conscious. And important life-altering, society-changing stories. That's not why they're important or brilliant though, it's the personal sacrifices he made to write those books.

He traveled to Siberia, and Africa, and landed in an prison in the Congo, dealt with traffickers, and inhumane conditions, and did countless other things.... He's led the life I would have always wanted to live had I been born with an ounce of bravery.

Oy vey. head meet desk

So much for mild-mannered reporter, huh? In some respects, more like superman.

Wow did I misjudge him. And all this time in class I when I talked about a crisis in Africa (and other topics) and I was annoyed that he disagreed with me... I should be thanking my lucky stars he did it so nicely instead of putting me in my place as he should have, knowing much more about the topics than I possibly could.

Is it wrong of me to judge him more favorably now that I know more about his background? Perhaps that makes me shallow. (Bad trait!) But I don't like him better now because he's a writer... but rather the topics he chose, and the personal sacrifices he made to do some very important work. That, and the fact that I was wrong about him. He challenges my preconceptions, and I know I need that.

I am madly, completely, head over heels, crushing on him. And I feel I may have ruined any chances I had. Assuming I had any at all. After all, my first impression could have been correct-- he could think of me as a silly, annoying, uninsightful kid. (Or dislike me for a myriad of other reasons! Many people do!)

Which makes me sad. And I feel very ashamed of myself.

And I can't stop thinking about him....

I want him. And I want him to want me. And I don't think that's going to happen.

Not...so...impressive...

From NPapaya. Though I'm sorry for her crappy options, I'm glad they give me fodder for the blog!

"Hey, lady, wanna armwrestle?"

In a potentially further inversion of traditional gender roles, let me tell you that i probably have spent more time cooking than you have. I have yet to meet a woman whose cooking is better than mine. Does that sound immodest? No matter: it's true! I get down. But i would not object to hanging out with someone who cooks well. For all i know, you cook very well. Just not better than i do (i am trying to exhibit my "boldness/assertiveness," so that you can check that off of your list).

No Energy

There's been nothing to report lately, and I don't really have the energy to date right now. I'm not so much disheartened as I am exhausted.

I'm sick of constantly looking for the "right" person. Certainly not sick enough to settle for the "wrong" person-- (Heaven forbid! I'll NEVER be one of THOSE girls!)-- but just generally tired of the online scene.

One of the crazy guys from a month or so ago that I had contemplated going out with (but then cut off contact when he started being really odd... and insulting!) contacted me again. I contemplated saying yes for a millisecond and then told him that based on our previous contact I didn't think we were a good fit--but best of luck.

His response? "I wasn't in to you anyways."

*Sigh* Dodged that bullet, but whereas I could have laughed at it awhile back, I'm just too tired to come up with something snarky in response.

Hopeless? I'm not entirely hopeless, but I do feel like it shouldn't be this hard. I admit that a lot of this is colored by hearing a fair number of stories recently about people who "Just knew!" when they found "The one!"

Now, I don't even know if I believe in the idea of "the one!" (Or even, of many ones!), but I certainly like the idea! And I alternately feel hopeful, hopeless and inadequate in hearing those "happily ever after stories."

I know many people felt I didn't give Atlas a fair shake. I didn't feel much attraction to him, but I admit that even I don't know how much of that was because there really *wasn't* any spark there... or that I was unwilling to let one develop because I was looking for a reason to push him away from the beginning. Honestly, I don't know the true answer to that.

All I wonder is, should this really be this hard? I'm NOT unhappy being single, I actually enjoy it 99.9% of the time. But it would be nice if there were viable options out there. Ya know. Just to take for a test run.

Cheesier than Velveeta

Can you give me directions to your heart? Because I seem to be lost in your eyes.

Nothing much to report

So here's some fun stuff from jezebel. Go read the whole thing.


"Oh, and let's not get started on the whole bullshit "nice guys don't get the girl" that all these guys re-hash. Well, yeah, sure, if The Girl is the head cheerleader (and she always is) — but were they ever asking out the girl who was President of Students Against Drunk Driving and the German club (i.e., dorky, awkward me)? Some of them were, sure, but I'll be damned if most of them aren't happily married to truly pleasant women who they adore. My photo albums from high school to this day are a virtual pantheon of sweet, dorky guys who asked me out or who I asked out, most of whom were actually as nice as they look and none of whom were bad boys.

I dated two legitimately bad dudes in my life — the first one, in high school, I dumped rather ungraciously on our second date for grabbing my ass, and the second one more recently who I dumped, equally ungraciously, after about a month of jealous fits. One of the supposedly nice ones tells Hymowitz:


According to a “Recovering Nice Guy” writing on Craigslist, the female preference for jerks and “assholes,” as they’re also widely known, lies behind women’s age-old lament, “What happened to all the nice guys?” His answer: “You did. You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy.”
Oh, so, the only reason you were ever nice to a girl, the only reason you ever got close to a girl, was to fuck her? Don't worry, dude, you were never a nice guy. You probably didn't get fucked more because when you were holding a girl crying she caught you feeling up her boob. By comparison, at least a bad boy doesn't lie about his intentions or caring about your feelings.

So, look, the problem is that there are no rules, and there is no one end game any more. Great. I'm glad there's not. I don't mind paying for dinner, or going to see a hockey movie on Valentine's Day, or calling first or opening my own fucking doors — and I don't mind being paid for, or getting roses or being called or having a door opened for me — and I am damn glad that I don't have to hang up my dating spurs at 31 and call myself a spinster and start knitting booties for my younger sister's eventual children. And, yes, it's more difficult because in the absence of rules and regulations, in the dearth of universal social expectations and proscribed life paths, no one knows what anyone else is really looking for in a two minute interaction. But this is solved by actually not expecting things from people you don't know, and by treating women as individuals worth more than the sexual pleasure they might or might not eventually afford you. And it doesn't help to bitch about how all women are shallow, money-hungry harpies who you're just going to game the way they've gamed you. Maybe you've been gamed because as a shallow, money- and pussy-obsessed prick who isn't interested in getting to know a person, you missed out on more than just being played."

Too Funny not to Share!

Ok... this has nothing to do with dating, but it had be cracking up, so I thought I would share.

Why you shouldn't put a garlic clove up your vajayjay.

Yeah, I know... I'm astonished anyone thought this might not be the best idea too! Ha!

All "expensive" paid? Sure, just let me pack my bag!

I think this may be my favorite email that I've ever received from a complete nutjob stranger!


i like that u straight forward i'm ali i 'd love to meet u if u like to visit tampa al expensive paid for if interested hit me up bye

What do you think? Should I take him up on his offer???

Good Karma!

So, I didn't get a parking ticket today that I *totally* would have deserved (I forgot I parked my car at a meter and left it there the ENTIRE day... and they're strict about enforcement around here!) So, I['m chalking that up to good Karma for facing my avoidance issues...!

Atlas got in touch with me re: my note, and it went well, I think!

His response:


I've been going very slowly these past weeks, and can understand if it causes frustration. My default disposition in recent years is caution because I have had difficult experiences, but you've been exceptionally fair and very kind.*

I agree with you; Friday felt very awkward, which set me back a bit because we had fun on previous nights. It made me think over the situation these past few days. Early on, I felt that we had rapport and some commonalities. However, I feel it's not enough to go deeper than friends.

Regardless, I think we should still be friends and hang out if you're willing to do that. If not, I'll completely understand.

Thanks for getting in touch, and I'll talk to you later.

-Atlas

Situation resolved and everyone gets to feel good about it! Yippee!

So, any of you want his number?

(Of course the tragic part is that I've been getting no hits on my profiles recently, which means for a slow blog and an even slower love life!)


*Also, Do you think I can use " "exceptionally fair and kind"-Says Former Date! " as a testimonial in my profiles! Ha!

Avoidance

Avoidance is something I'm either really good at... or really bad at, depending on how you look at it.

Do I avoid doing unpleasant things? Of course... (Usually by diving into a tub of Ben & Jerry's, but that's a post for another day....)

So, it will come as no surprise to anyone that I have avoided talking to Atlas about my feelings. Npapaya all but called me a coward today (Or maybe she was out-and-out calling me a coward... I may have been distracted by chocolate...she's totally right! I own it!) for not addressing this issue.

My mom also told me I need to have a conversation with Atlas, but with my mother's advice you should usually do the exact opposite to end up on the plus side of the equation. (Sound harsh...? Ya, but then again, YOU haven't met her...)

It wasn't until a colleague pointed out the *real* issue at play though that I decided to do something. That issue? Avoidance.

Yeah, Atlas has his issues. But so do I. And one of my big ones? Is avoidance. I may not have a future with Atlas, but I won't have a future with anyone unless I deal with *MY* issues head on.

So I dealt with my avoidance tonight. (Albeit in a probably cowardly way... Via Email. Hey! In my defense, Atlas & I have never actually talked on the phone! All our communications have been via email! So I figured it was acceptable. Stop judging me!)

Give me props. I stopped avoiding my avoidance issues. For today at least.

I can't promise anything about tomorrow....

Memoirs Of A Dater: Let's Be Open About It!

Memoirs Of A Dater: Let's Be Open About It!

I discovered this blog from Npapaya... Amusing story! Check it out!

Karma!

NPapaya has just informed me that former major crush, IT guy- (background here) has been checking her out on match.com.

I am very amused given that IT guy threw me over to date some other girl, and did it in a kinda harsh way -(Actually telling me while leaning in for the kiss that he just wasn't that into me.)

So... Bwahahahahahaha!

Sure, I'm back on the interwebs looking for love too, but I somehow feel vindicated by this...

It's (nearly) official

I've been putting it off for awhile because 1) I genuinely like him, and 2) the pickings of nice guys around here are slim... but...

I'm going to have to break it off with Atlas.

I know, I know, I've been saying this for practically a month, hoping that I would develop stronger feelings for him, but last night it became quite clear to me.

So, I went over to his place where we were going to play video games (yes, I actually enjoy this!), and get take out (and hopefully make out.)

We went back and forth and he finally suggested that we get take out from a Japanese restaurant. I asked what he wanted, and he said he was up for anything and to surprise him.

Now, when you think Japanese restaurant, what do you think you're getting for dinner? Right. Me too. Sushi!

I get to his place and dole out the food, and we settle in front of the tv. He takes a bite of the sushi... and excuses himself.

He comes back and the conversation goes like this:

Him: "I'm sorry."
Me: What?
Him: "I thought I could but I can't"
Me: You don't like it?
Him: I don't like sushi.
Me: (confused!) But you suggested Japanese!
Him: I knew you liked it, I wanted to make you happy.
Me: (annoyed & confused) But... But... You suggested it! I would have been happy to get something else!
Him: Sorry. I tried to like it, really.
Me: And you didn't TELL me you don't like sushi! I could have gotten dumplings or something.
Him: I was afraid to tell you.
Me: (in my head- DUMBASS!) Why were you afraid to tell me? Do I make you nervous?
Him: No, why? Do I seem nervous?
Me: (Uh, yeah, duh!) Well, you said you were afraid to tell me. Why would you be afraid to tell me? It's not like I made it or anything.
Him: I know, I was trying to be adventurous. I've never liked it any other time I tried it, but I thought this time I could do it.
Me: (DUMBASS!) Why would you do that? It doesn't matter to me whether you like it or not!! But you told me to surprise you!
Him: I know. Sorry.

AAARRRGGGHHH!! Seriously! If he can't be truthful about something as minor as SUSHI!?!? There's really no hope. Ugh!

The evening was fine, but didn't really get better from there. While having dinner (He had the miso soup that came with the sushi, but wrinkled his nose at the 'weird smell') he sat next to me. When we started playing video games.... he moved to the floor.

Seriously? WTF? Kinda hard to make out with you, dude, if you're on the floor!

I waited around a couple hours to see if he would ever move back or try to make a move or anything but it was all earnest puppy-dog gazes from the floor and no action.

Finally I got fed up and I said I had to go.

He gave me a hesitant hug. Didn't even move in for a kiss.

If I'm not getting any action & there's not much personality there, what am I doing? (AND too "afraid" to tell me he didn't like SUSHI!?!? How is he ever going to tell me how he likes things in bed!? Or more importantly... LIFE. ugh.)

I haven't been in touch with him yet, but this is so over.

Remind me of that, will you? The next time he does something super sweet...? I'll need reminding.

You tell me what's wrong with this email!

hi-
After reading your profile, I think we may have alot in common and would like to get to know you.
What I have to offer is I am nice, handsome, happy, funny, trustworthy, kind, not-boring, not afraid of commitment, responsible but fun, and giving person. I am disease and drug free, and hold down a great job. I am looking for a NICE girl, and hopefully a future committment.
I hope to hear back from you, so we can start a great friendship.- randomguy

Now, I'm sure that this guy thinks this is a perfectly reasonable first email to send to someone. On the surface, there's not really anything that wrong with it... and yet... it kinda squicks you out, doesn't it?

Let's figure out why:

1) Listing of good attributes. This doesn't tell me what you're really like-- this tells me how you think about yourself. And this tells me you love yourself and AWFUL lot. Also? Telling me you're trustworthy doesn't make me trust you. In fact, it does the opposite. Trustworthy people don't go around telling everyone how much they should trust them. They kind of assume everyone is trustworthy until it's proven otherwise. That you feel the need to TELL me you're trustworthy pretty much tells me you're not.

2) You're doing what you're supposed to be doing!-- Which is- being drug & disease free, and holding down a job! Wow! you want a cookie? Congratulations. Similarly to above, people who have their shit together don't feel the need to point out they have their shit together.

3) Baggage! Saying you want a "NICE" girl (in all caps mind you!) screams "I have unresolved issues! I'm going to be mistrustful and take out my misplaced anger on you!" Sweet! Who doesn't want to sign up for that deal!

Any I missed...? I'm sure there are several. Seriously guys!? Why do you do this? Do you have NO social skills?

... sigh ...

Things could always be worse...

Yes, I've been missing in action for about a week... but that's because I was at the most amazing 3-day wedding extravaganza in San Francisco! So fun! So over-the-top magnificent!

The only damper on things came Wednesday morning when it became clear Proposition 8, an intolerant, discriminatory proposition preventing gays and lesbians to marry passed.

My lovely friends, who have been together 10+ years, got married the Saturday before the election, and now they're in limbo. It's a very sad outcome.

As my friend B. said-- Was there a memo that went out saying "Racism is so passe, everyone hop on the anti-gay train!" Discriminatory propositions also passed in Florida & Arkansas.

While America congratulates itself on electing Obama (Thus proving how we've "overcome" racism... NOT QUITE!), let us not forget there are a few things to be ashamed of as well.

No one is equal until ALL are treated equally.

....

And I'll step off my soapbox to submit a very amusing (though not for her! Sorry, NPapaya!) story!

Enjoy!

************************************

So, some of you know that recently the ex-fiance of a work acquaintance was in
touch with me on match.com. After a bit of debate I decided it was kosher for me
to go out with him at least once. I should mention I don't know why they called
off the engagement or what any of their issues may have been. Our date was
scheduled for tonight.

This morning I checked email and saw two messages from this person sent late
last night. (As an aside, no this is not some sort of Halloween prank).

The first email:
Subject line: Well, I am having a baby

Message
So Sorry, I had NO idea but guess she trapped me? Says she is thinking about
what to do. She never liked my family and to be honest never liked hers myself.
Well, I do wish we had met last year!

Good luck with [your job] and if you see the kid, let me know what he/she looks
like.


----
the second email :
Hi,

Just a follow up. Long night for me. Upon recent news I don't know if dinner is
a good idea tonight. I was looking forward to it but having not been together
with my ex for quite some time was taken aback. Scary for [the ex] too but I
thought to let you know the reason behind me canceling.

To be perfectly honest, I have a feeling it may not be true due to past events
but we will see. So I guess my Match days are over, at least for a while, until
everything figures itself out. Sorry again. I contacted you with honest
intentions but I guess life got in the way.


----

Of course, I have a lot of comments to make, but I'd just like to let the beauty
of these message stand as a testament to how shady and how poor the pickings are
in this area. Let this be a lesson to anyone who is thinking of ditching a nice
guy. Myself included as the perfectly nice, reasonable person I had coffee with
earlier this week has now been bumped up to a prime position as "not crazy."

Laughing in NH,
NPapaya

(Point taken, NPapaya! I'm going out with Atlas again this weekend. I'll keep you posted!)

A picture is worth a thousand words!

Really, you might say in your profile that you're single, and well-adjusted, and totally normal....

But if there's a girl in your picture, (Or worse, a girl cropped OUT of your picture!), I'm moving on!

Yes, that girl might be your sister, or cousin, or dog-groomer. But I have no way of knowing which one it is. And frankly, it makes you look like a douche who is trying to show me how popular you are with girls. Just don't.

And if you have so few good pictures that you have to crop a girl out of one to use it for your profile? I don't know that I want to meet you in person... who knows how you'll REALLY look in broad daylight!? (And, actually, it just makes you seem like you're NOT QUITE over that ex. Even if that is only your mama in the photo. That's the vibe you're giving off. And really, is that the vibe you WANT to be giving off?)

Just sayin'........

From NPapaya... Good times, good times... reminds me of some dates I had not too long ago...

(Also reminds me not to be so dismissive of Atlas. I'll admit that I'm gowning fonder of Atlas the more I think about him. Not ready to give up on him just yet.)



Recently someone looked at my online profile, but hadn't contacted me. This
happens a lot and to be honest, most of the time I am glad they just kept on
truckin'. But this one didn't look so bad and he lived nearby. The downside -
kind of old by my standards for dating :46 (I'm 33).Not being super picky these
days I email him and he responds immediately. We make a plan to meet for coffee.
The night before I take another look at his profile to remind myself what he
said about himself. I take note of his height which I apparently glossed over
before: 5'6". Huh. Missed that one. I'm not quite 5'5" and I prefer someone
tall, but as long as you're taller than me we're in good shape.

When he arrives for our coffee date I am thinking - he is short. I mean, I'm
wearing nearly flats and looking him in the eye. But he does look like his
profile which means he's not bad looking, but I'm not ready to suggest we get a
room.

Next thought: poor guy, he's got something stuck in his teeth. Bummer on a first
date. We sit and chat. He smiles a lot which is good and bad. Good because it
shows he has a cheery disposition. Bad because it is clear he does not have
something stuck in his teeth. He has rotting teeth. 4 words: Veneers are your
friend.

More chatting ensues and I am aware of doing my own song and dance routine with
little audience participation. Oh, he's answering questions beautifully with
some detail, a few stories. But he's not dishing it back. I am exhausted looking
at his bad teeth and trying to think of things to ask him. Then I notice 2 of
his fingers have some sort of nail fungus and are oddly short. The freak show
must end.

As we leave I notice he is not the same height as me with my shoes on. So, he's
probably closer to 5'4" than he wants to admit. A fairly nice man to be sure,
but this was too much even for me and my new "baseline" standards. I fled.

So nice it kills me!

Message I just got from Atlas:


Thanks for meeting up with me today. It was beautiful outside, and I had a fun time browsing the books and watching the movie. (stuff about the movie)

So, you're leaving on Wednesday, right? Do you need anyone to take care of the puppy while you are gone? Also, do you need a ride to the airport or anything?

Later,
Atlas

Omigawd... Super nice, right? I mean-- a driving to the airport offer is pretty awesome of him.

Seriously, I thought he was pretty bored today and was going to give me the brush off (which would have been a relief). But no, instead he goes and does something super sweet!

eeek! (I know, you're thinking-- problems? what problems?)-- But I do feel like I'm being very unfair to him! In continuing to go out with him am I implying that I like him more than I do? Probably. Do I hope I can like him more than I do? Yes.

NPapaya said she was rooting for Atlas. Me too!

(sigh)

I know. It's a non-problem kind of problem. But how long do I let this go on and just keep hoping my feelings for him will develop?

How many more dates do I sit through where I spend the time looking at my watch and waiting to leave?

(sigh)

Don Draper makes my heart beat faster

Obviously going nowhere...

I just wrapped up a date with Atlas, and it was perfectly fine... but sooooo boring! I think he sensed it too. Every minute I was with him I felt like-- "Ok, can I go yet? I'm so bored, and I have a million things to do!"

Terrible, terrible, I know! He's so sweet, and so nice... and I really like him... But I think I have to conclude- "Not in that way."

Which makes me very depressed given that I was just contacted by 4 other guys who are obvious NOs (Though not entertaining enough for this site!)

So, it's like-- why would I throw back a perfectly nice guy, when those are the other options out there?

I know, I'm trying too hard to make this work. It shouldn't be this hard I think.

God, he's so nice.... I hate myself for feeling -- well, nothing!

Do I keep going? Or break this off?

Frankly, I almost get the sense that this is reciprocal, that he thinks I'm perfectly nice, but hasn't found a reason to throw ME back yet! (Though reasons are aplenty, I assure you!) Maybe I should break the ice about this?

On the other hand, I'm leaving on a trip and I'll be gone most of this week and most of next, so perhaps absence will make the heart grow fonder. (Or, out of sight, out of mind!)

Actually, I think you might be better off meeting my friend...

...proper grammar!

hey i just want to say that ur sexy and pretty and i like the way u smile, i will really like to know u more better if you dont mind

Well I certainly know why YOU'RE single!

Received today... You might remember this guy! This is the same moron who wrote to ask me why I was looking for people across the state line!
Don't you think he should be grateful I didn't answer him the first time?

Do you think I should answer him after this missive...?

If someone takes the time to write maybe you should answer them. I don't care how much your bikini shots* get you mail--civility's for everybody.

Maybe to inform him what a douchebag he is? Anyone have some creative responses? Or do we give this exactly the response it deserves... which is nothing...

*There are no bikini shots in my profile. I don't even own a bikini. There's one of my face when I'm obviously at the beach.

If you have to ask....that's the answer...

Can I date ur mom? Ahh.. just kidding... Couldnt resist..wait.. Ive a personality disorder.. nevermind... here's a question.. how does a person know if they have a personality disorder?

If you were the bride, how would you react?

Worst Best Man Ever @ Yahoo! Video

I actually think I would laugh. But I'm weird that way.

I don't understand either! Your message that is...

Received today:
Subject Line: Sorry, I don't understand
Hi,
If you live on the other side of the border how you can you 'meet' all of the people from [other state]? Wouldn't that be somewhat arduous?



Really? Is this a hard concept to understand? It's called a car.

And no, I wasn't planning on meeting all the people from the other state. Just the ones who weren't morons.

Why we (by which I mean *I*) secretly love jerks...

The Don Draper Effect


To me this is the crux of the argument..."a person who has voluntarily put himself second... is, ironically, not erotic..."

This may be why I'm having trouble turning up the heat with Atlas.... We had a great conversation the other night-- he's certainly a feminist, doesn't believe in traditional gender roles, thinks it's A-ok if dads are stay-at-home parents... etc, etc...

Which is all I could ever ask for, right? It's certainly what I say I want... Is it perhaps not? I mean, logically I know that it is what I want, but at the same time I can't help wanting someone with a bit more edge.

Ro (& well, a multitude of others, but she said it first), says I need a guy like Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew-- that I need a guy who will push back, who will challenge me, who will push me to be better than I am. (But will still let me win at least 50% of the time....;-)

While being compared to a shrew is never a good image (though Ro insists she meant it in the nicest way possible,) I have to admit I recognize a grain of truth in what she says.

I want Don Draper. I want Petruchio. I want James Bond (the Casino Royale version.) In Theory

In the day to day living of things? I know those types of people would be pretty unbearable.

So... Could I get a reasonable mix? Say 80% nice guy, 20% jerk?

Thanks, Universe. That would be awesome!

***

You could certainly argue that in painting Don Draper as so complex, so tortured, so stealth-enlightened, so handsome, the Mad Men writers are doing women and men a disservice. They've endowed a definition of pre-feminist masculinity — a composite of all traditional manly virtues — with hints of modernity that make him appealing to women who can fancy he would have swept them off their feet while secretly supporting their dreams of equality. There's a sense on the show that his wife can't keep his interest purely because she's so docile and subservient; we could, we think. Who can compete with that?